Friday, December 20, 2013

ELECTRIC SLIDE by Kanta Colgin


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Santa, I just electrocuted myself with the stupid christmas lights on my house... the ones that are synchronized with music. Now every time Jingle Bells plays my heart and legs start to twitch to the beat. Do you think that I can finally be the best dancer at the christmas party this year ?

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Kanta: Oh my!!!!! Santa certainly doesn't like to hear things like this so close to the Holiday. You seem to be taking it well though. Might I suggest a few more options to you. People who dance at their Christmas parties more often than not make fools of them selves and wind up looking for other employment. Try renting yourself out to a used car lot or maybe Walmarts. That'd be a jolt to business for them 'eh?  Or maybe you could audition for, The Trans Siberian Orchestra and tour with them for the Holiday season! THAT would really be a jolt. If none of these ideas are appealing to you then well... hit the closest bar and just drink something nice until the effects of your shocking accident subside. "Now you're doing the Electric Slliiidddeee!" Merry Christmas. Turn off the lights now would ya' ? I need my rest.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS ... by Kanta Colgin


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Santa, I am missing my two front teeth and today at our second grade Christmas party all my classmates laughed at me and called me names. They wouldn't let me play in any games either. They hurt my feelings and now I'm sad. To make myself feel better I think I should give all my classmates a gift. Actually, two gifts a piece, can you please bring me a ball peen hammer and oh, say 40 front teeth?

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Kanta: Oh for pity's sakes! Herbie!!!!!!!! What part of the song didn't you get? I know if you've been bad or good so, c'mon. I know your goal is to be "a DENTIST". The entire world hears it every year when they watch "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer".  I miss Burl Ives, I wish he was here. He'd catch wind of your stunt with the hammer and well, he'd have slapped your teeth out. So lighten up would ya' ? You've got enough business dealing with those candy crazy, Baileys swilling, over zealous elves of mine. Can you believe some of them are over 100 years old!? I can't believe you would look in their mouths, Ick. I guess the moral of the story is this, there is no more co-pay for their office visits/exams/false extractions/etc. Take some of that coal I'm putting in your stocking this year and put that in the little, crazy people's mouths.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013



Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Santa, Can I have a new, snow shovel for Christmas? The one I have is old and bent and I can't have my lazy neighbor clearing my driveway with inferior equipment. He seems to like the big, plastic ones.

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Kanta: See now, these are the kinds of letters Santa loves to receive! I mean it. I love it when somebody asks for a present they intend to give to someone else. Wish granted . You're going to be excited too. The elves have built probably the greatest snow shovel of all time. This bad boy has AM/FM radio, GPS, Facebook access, and get this, a HEATED handle! Spiffy huh? There is a bit of a catch though. Your beloved neighbor asked for and he's going to be receiving an, "All Expenses Paid Trip " to southern Florida for the Winter! Poor guy never gets out of the house and well,,,,I'm sending him a really nice sand shovel and pail as well. He's promised to find Santa some shark teeth and make me a necklace for when I join him in early January. Looks like a "WIN" for everybody 'eh? When your new shovel arrives hit me up on Facebook and I'll "share" the photos. Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013



Dear StupidAss Questions & Kanta, I'm scared as h.e. double hockey sticks, I don't know if it is because I'm dyslexic, but I've been getting a lot of cards lately from people threatening me that I better watch out, I better not cry, I better not shout... Satan is watching me. What do you think, is Satan watching me?

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Kanta: "h.e. double hockey sticks?!" Seriously grandma? Why is it every time I get to be on StupidAss Questions you somehow get your question at the front of the line?(I'll deal with the owners of this site later on this one). Ughhh,,,, first off no you aren't dyslexic. If you were you'd have spelled it cixelsyd. My gut reaction to the cards you've been receiving is they're not from Satan but your daughter. (She ain't Satan but she's close. I know.) I love my mother but she's just trying to scare you  and yes, she's watching you. She wants to know when you leave the house so she can come on in and "package  peek!" She does it with me too. Relax and remember, the Christmas nut never falls far from the old tree. (I'm watching too!)

Monday, December 16, 2013

WHAT'S A NOG? by Santa Kenny Colgin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Santa, I was wondering if there were any other types of Nog, or is there only Egg Nog? What is a nog anyway? Also, what do you think about making some Jello shooters with Egg Nog... we could call them Jellogs?

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Santa (Kenny): Ho, ho, ho, and what?! Oh my. Seems we have another escaped elf on our hands. "Hiccupp", get back to work!  Seriously buddy. You're beginning to bathe your day in this stuff. I'm being honest here. Get back to work!!!!!!!! Leave the "nog" on Big daddy's desk. (This is the new batch isn't it?) Uggghhhhh, right. Ain't it wonderful to be me?! It's a, "Wonderful life." (Jimmy Stewart was at one time an elf. He was real young though. Lost. Listlessly adrift off the bridge of life.) "Hiccupp", is the one who actually saved him.

Friday, December 6, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Santa, How do they get the reindeer to cross at the “Deer Crossing” signs?
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Leah: There are stiff penalties for not adhering to all signs along the Christmas route.  Reindeer in general make about half as much as their human counterparts.  It’s a glass ceiling that isn’t fair and I don’t have the time to get into it here.  Those poor reindeer cannot afford to waste any more coin on traffic tickets.  Not when they’re blowing most of it at the reindeer lodge on booze and does. 

Thursday, December 5, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My children have begun asking me if Santa is real. I don’t like to lie to them but I enjoy the excited look they get on Christmas morning when they see what Santa left them. My husband thinks they are getting of the age where they should be told the truth. He says that 13 and 15 is way to long to keep up the sham. How did you handle telling your children?
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Leah: Well, clearly you are home schooling your kids which is way weirder than a 15 year old believing in Santa.  Think about prom.  But as far as breaking bad news to children goes…I think it’s best to pair it with something more terrible that isn’t true.  It makes the truth sting less.  “We’ve legally changed your name to Santa.  There’s no such thing as Santa.  Santa’s dead.”  

Wednesday, December 4, 2013


Dear Santa, I noticed this year that the government buildings in my area added Kwanza decorations. I celebrate Festivus and was wondering if you think they'd add a Festivus pole as well. They could use a broom handle to save on the cost of a real Festivus pole. AND the best part, NO decorations needed. Thus very cost effective.

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Joel: You should probably use the advice: Pick and choose your battles. If not having a pole up is the worst of your worries, you're doing just fine. Nothing's stopping you from hanging one in your home. Just don't bother the rest of us with your Festivus comeback!

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

ELF ON A SHELF by Kenny Colgin

I think my husband is cheating on me. We have the Elf on a Shelf watching our kids to find out if they are naughty or nice to report back to Santa. Do you think if I put the elf in our bedroom he would report back to me on my husbands infidelity?

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SANTA: Oh my dear!!!!! This is not a pretty picture that Santa is seeing here at all. Ho, ho, ho, I mean,,,, no, no, no! Infidelity at Christmas? EGAD!! First off, let's make sure you're clear on a few facts. I AM SANTA CLAUS! I see you when you're sleeping, (or sleeping around for that matter), I know if you or anybody else has been bad or good, etc., etc. I don't need an elf on the shelf, (around the work shop we call him "Rat boy"), to help me do my job OK? (I secretly believe Mrs. Claus came up with the idea to spy on me!). But that is another story for another season. Now, back to you. I am pleased to tell you your beloved husband isn't being unfaithful with another woman. Nope. He is however a cheater. Why do you think you haven't beaten him in a game of gin rummy, backgammon, or jenga in over 10 years? What do you think he's been doing when you leave the room to go to the toilet or kitchen? Uh huh, you guessed it. Perhaps you should consider taking the card table or game board with you the next time you two are playing something and you have to leave the room. Either that or start cheating yourself. (Santa has a great book of card tricks that would help you immensely). So, buck up and enjoy the Yule Tide Season my friend and get that elf on the shelf out of there! Merry Christmas and my work is done here in the bathroom so I need to get the cards back to the table before Mrs. Claus returns with the cocoa! Ho, ho, ho.

Monday, December 2, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I bought my cat his christmas presents and would like to display them under the tree. But, I'm afraid he'll open them before it's time. Should I take them to my friends house until Christmas or hid them in the hall closet?

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SAQ Staff: Our first question to you is... do you realize he’s a CAT? But more important than that, does he still believe in Santa? If you answer yes to either of these 2 questions then we say take the gifts to your friends. If you answer no to the first but yes to the 2nd... seek therapy. Should you answer yes to the first and no to the 2nd... then why bother hiding them. Sit down with you cat and tell him that it’s fun to look at the gifts under the tree and leave them the hell alone and let you enjoy at least ONE thing in your life.

Friday, November 29, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, My family is dysfunctional. I usually have to keep sharp instruments away from them when we all eat dinner together at my house. Is it okay if I sprinkle a little Prozac in the Thanksgiving stuffing this year?

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Rose: OMG! Between that and the tryptophan in the turkey and amino acids in all the side dishes, your dinner guests will evolve from having to avoid the “No Hazmat” lane driving to your house for dinner to having to stay overnight. Zombies? My dear, it will kill you!  Trust me, your demeanor and brains will be on the serving dish. No, a better idea is to instigate a knock-down drag-out fight that overflows onto your patio. Turn them into a pack of ravenous flesh-eaters that remember everything anyone ever said about them or did to them for the last 40 years. They had to give my Aunt Clara distemper shot after one of those Hatfield/McCoy dinners at Aunt Thelma’s house once. Thelma caught Aunt Clara in the master bathroom taking pictures with her cell phone of everything in the linen closet and medicine cabinet, so Clara bit her. Apparently, Thelma went over to Clara’s house the month before and did the same thing. Thelma posted a picture of one of Clara’s dry-rotted diaphragms (circa 1975) that she found in the back of the closet and posted it on Pinterest with a caption “Sculpture by Clara Tawes after Andy Warhol.” Boy was Clara mad! So, she tried to even the score.
Of course, in order to successfully pull this off, you will have to hide all your breakable valuables, but look at the bright side, they will all obligingly leave early and your family will have more left-overs to nibble on during the night and you won’t have to go to your neighbor’s house to steal food.
Enjoy yourself!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

BITCHGIVING by Rose A. Valenta

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, My best friend asked me for my famous “Secret Sweet Potato Casserole” recipe to serve her guests this Thanksgiving. It’s so delicious & I just know she won’t give me the credit for it. She’s such a selfish bitch like that. What should I do?

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Rose: If you are not invited, leave out a crucial ingredient. If you are invited, insist that you make the casserole and bring it with you (also bring a container of dust bunnies to inconspicuously scatter about the house when she isn’t looking). Throughout the meal, entertain her guests with stories about how well liked your recipe is and elaborate on all the exciting dinners that you have shared it with friends. Also, walk into her kitchen behind her back and remove all the self-love post-notes she has on the refrigerator; especially the one that reads “You are so gifted as a hostess, Martha should be jealous.” You know she has that one, the selfish bitch. If she has a powder room near the kitchen, hide all her scented candles and carefully sneak in there and take a dump – don’t flush.  Make sure that you put at least one dust bunny at the bottom of her candlesticks.
That should get her, the selfish bitch!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

MCTURKEY? by Rose A. Valenta

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, I don’t feel like cooking a turkey this year as it’s too much work. Do you think they would be ok with some double cheeseburgers from McDonalds even though I promised them a gourmet 7 course Thanksgiving meal? I'll get fries for everyone.

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Rose: Tacky, tacky, tacky! You simply have to send out for Burger King Turkey Burgers and fries; plus a large container of coleslaw from the deli. Then, kick it up a notch with soup appetizer and awesome sides. Ground beef must absolutely take a back seat to big bird meat on turkey day.
You can accomplish the entire feast effortlessly in Dutch ovens on the range in less than 20 minutes. Each Dutch oven will hold 6 cans. All you need to do is put 2 quarts of water in the pots and place the opened cans in them. Wear thermal gloves to remove the hot cans.
If your in-laws are coming, put caution tape across the entrance to your kitchen and tell them you are getting work done and they must not go in there, as your homeowners/rental liability insurance has expired along with Obamacare. After all, you don’t want to give away your culinary secrets.
In the first Dutch oven, set 5 or 6 (depending on the number of guests) opened cans of your favorite Chunky soup right in the water and bring to a boil. Turn off the burner. Leave the cans in there until you are ready to serve. They will be piping hot.
In the second pot, put 5 cans of your favorite veggies, plus a can of yams for your more traditional guests, who like sweet potatoes with turkey meat. Bring the water to a boil and turn off the burner. Notice, this is an energy saver too.
Open the store bought coleslaw and pour it into a family heirloom serving bowl. Place each of the turkey burgers on a holiday serving dish.
With your best china, pour the soup into the bowls right out of the hot cans.
After that, drain the veggies from the cans and pour them onto heirloom plates.  I think you are giving your guests about 14 courses already!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, I forgot to un-thaw the turkey for Thanksgiving dinner and we are eating in 4 hours. I was thinking of a blow torch, any other ideas?

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Rose: You are in luck! Home Depot is having a one-day-only sale on Cement Circular Saws and blades. You will need all the proper tools to pull this off:

1 cement saw
1 circular cement blade
2 plastic saw horses
1 3’ x 3’ piece of plywood
4 clamps
1 metal stake
1 blow torch
2 Reynolds Oven Roaster bags
Your recipe for stuffing
2 glass casserole pans
1 First-aid kit (just in case)
1 bottle of mighty fine wine
1 coupon for a family size package of pork chops (the other white meat)

Set up the saw horses in your back yard and clamp the plywood to them. Get the frozen turkey and run a stake through its little heart into the plywood, so that it doesn’t feel anything. Drink 8 ounces of wine. Insert the saw blade into the saw. Turn on the saw and cut the thing lengthwise down the center so that you have two open cavities each with a wing and leg. Drink more wine. Hit it with the blow torch – 6 minutes on each side. Stuff both cavities with your filling. Drink more wine. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Put a half-bird in each of the oven roaster bags along with the rest of the wine, if any. Poke three small holes in each bag. Put each bag in a pan and roast in the oven for 2 hours and 30 minutes. Whew!

If all fails, you are too drunk to go to the supermarket for the pork chops, so send a guest. By all means, reuse the turkey stuffing with the chops - don’t drink and drive.   Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 25, 2013

UNIVITED GUESTS by Rose A. Valenta

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, My family and I love Thanksgiving leftovers but because there are 12 of us we don't usually have any. I know my neighbor does so do you think we could knock on her door and act like she had invited us?

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Rose: Before you do anything, turn off your cell phones and pagers out of respect. Please dress appropriately by wearing something on your feet. 
Now, this is where "love thy neighbor" can withstand the ultimate test, especially on Thanksgiving. You know they love you and your two hound dogs, so feel free to mosey on over there at 2:00 am, when you normally get up to raid the refrigerator and make her food your own.  Be considerate, don’t wake her up. Bring some hot sauce for the turkey tail, if it is still left over, but don't fight over it, or you will interrupt her REM sleep and ruin the ultimate test. 

Train your hounds to sound like they are starving (in case you get caught); you know, that low monotone maudlin sounding death-groan like the one Old Yeller let out before he passed on. Desserts don't keep well in the refrigerator, so make sure to scoff down all the pumpkin and coconut custard pie, and give the mince meat to Old Blue. Make Blue lick all the plates clean, so your neighbor won’t have to wash the dishes.

If all goes well, be neighborly and leave a few Chinese Fortune Cookies behind on the kitchen table. At least one of the fortunes should read "People in your surroundings will be more cooperative than usual, this includes the Bumpuses."

Friday, November 22, 2013

DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN.... did ya? by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joseph, I’m addicted to all things psychic. Ya know, psychic hot lines, psychic fairs, psychic books. Its gotten costly and at times I can’t feed my kids. Are there rehabs for people like me or should I open my own psychic hotline to pay for my habit. Sometimes I know things so maybe I AM psychic.

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Joseph: Then you already know what I'm gonna say about rehabs for you... but what you may not have known was orange laser-tag Neil Armstrong Tasmanian devil Voltron! Ha! Didn't see that coming did you!  Seriously get help, you have kids whats wrong with you, your true priority should be THUNDERCATS! Ha, didn't see that one coming either did you!  If you did, call me now.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

DRESS FOR SUCCESS by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m on unemployment and in order to get my check I have to go down to the unemployment office & apply for jobs or they stop sending my check. Should I dress for success or walk in with my burlap sack?

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner: 
Always dress for success. Always. Fool them into believing that the only thing you want in this world is successfully being employed. Then, when they are at their highest expectations of you and have their guard lowered by your appearance thats when you fail them miserably. No matter how hard they try to get you employed, screw it up. They'll blame themselves out of pure sympathy for your lethargy masquerading as occupational retardation and continue sending you your check so you don't have to wear that burlap sack.
You're Welcome.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joseph, Do you think it's possible to give a dog an eating disorder?

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,
Now, what could you possibly want to give a dog an eating disorder for? No, seriously it totally matters what the occasion is - is it the dogs birthday, is it for Christmas or what? Because if it's for it's birthday and you want to get the dog a cake but you don't want the dog to get fat from said cake then you're gonna have to go for doggie bulimia, which whether you like it or not is going to require you to stick a couple of fingers down that dogs throat (they don't have fingers of their own, mind you) and logically, depending on the breed of dog this could prove to be very hazardous for your hand. If its the dogs birthday, I would just go with heavy verbal guilt about the dogs weight until it doesn't even look at that cake. Best bet. 
Now if it's for a holiday such as Christmas well the best way to give it an eating disorder is let it eat like a pig, then only give it coal as a gift so it gets the point that nobody loves a four legged fatty. This is the same result you'd be aiming for with the verbal birthday cake abuse - anorexia, which is a totally legitimate eating disorder...for dogs.
It's all about the context of your goals because anything is possible if you try hard enough. 

You're Welcome. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

FOOD CHAIN by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joseph, Do you think skinny people are dumb? Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' NOW, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have NEVER forgotten to eat. Do you have to be a special kind of dumb to forget to eat?

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,
Congratulations  you've come to the right person with this inquiry as I posses a Masters Degree in First World Problems. The intelligence quotient of a human being is directly proportionate to their weight which is why smart people in the First World live in places where there is fast food. This is why it is particularly insulting to our intelligence when one of our own has an eating habit of someone who lives in a part of the world where they are still a part of the food chain. How could any civilized human being living in the First World ever forget to eat, unless of course they remember but have no ability to and then well, they're special kind of dumb for being skinny too now aren't they? 

Monday, November 18, 2013

LANE GIANT by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joseph,  So I want to be a model. I asked my family what they thought about it & they laughed, OUT LOUD in front of me. They said, “oh you mean for Lane Giant”? What do you think they were trying to say?

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner I do believe they are trying to mock your dreams of becoming a model by calling you too large via a clever play on the name Lane Bryant. I would count my blessings that they at least had the decency to say it out loud in front of you rather than mumbling it behind your back like horrible people. You have a damn good family kid, don't screw it up by embarrassing them by pursuing what is clearly a fool hearted dream of becoming something you're clearly  not.  Stick to standing in the back of family photos where you belong...Lane Giant...hahahahahaha...what a great family!

Friday, November 15, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Dan, I recently took the civil service exam to become a postal carrier. I passed and have been delivering mail for about a month now. Almost every day someone says to me, " How's the weather outside?" I usual say, “Hot, cold, rainy or overcast with a chance of rain. They always seem to appreciate it because at christmas time I get gifts in the mail. Should I quit my job and become a weatherman? I make a lot of money especially during the holiday season.
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DAN: I don't remember who said it, but a wise person once told me "as you think, so you are." If you think you can be a weatherman, then by gosh, go for it! But one word of advice: keep your day job. Civil service is a sweet deal for people with mediocre skills. I'm not saying you have mediocre skills, but you did admit to being a postal carrier.  The good news is you can do both! I've watched local news. The weather only takes five minutes, ten minutes tops if it's storming. Adjust your delivery route, making the news station that hires you the last stop. While the anchors talk about the latest celebrity haircut, deliver the last of the mail to the mailroom, change into weatherman clothes, and get ready for show time! (don't overdo the jazz hands).  I know well-behaved weather can be boring, so it's up to you to make it interesting. I suggest adding a sidekick(s). People like cute animals and I'm sure you see plenty of them while delivering the mail. Keep an eye out for a charismatic critter that you can kidnap and use to draw an audience. If you ask me (and I think you did), I'd say take a lesson from Bob Ross get a squirrel. Bob Ross was an unknown starving artist until he started painting in the company of squirrels. People would tune into his program every week, watching the playful scamps poke their head out of Bob's bushy hair every few seconds, then suddenly retreat back to the safety of his scalp. All the while, Bob would continue painting, talking about happy little trees and acting like it wasn't unusual to have a fro full of squirrels.
If you can't grow a fro, a wig would be a wise investment.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

SHOUT OUT by Dan Burt

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Dan,  I don’t have a computer so I don’t have followers but I don’t want to be out of the loop. Would it be the same if I purchased a megaphone and every so often shout out what I’m doing?  I could yell out stuff like, “Taking a crap,  Just had coffee with cream and sugar at Starbucks, or Having affair with my neighbors wife”. Ya know, stuff like that.

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DAN: The megaphone is one of the earliest tools in history used for social media. Many showmen, entrepreneurs, and prophets such as P.T. Barnum, Henry Ford, and Charles Manson got their start using this simple, but effective instrument. Nowadays, megaphones are mostly used for shouting instructions to the panicked masses after disasters, warning crowds about impending calamities, or asking people to come out with their hands up. But using a megaphone to draw attention and followers instead of a computer is a brave, retro move that places you in good company among the most beloved citizens of modern society--the hipsters.
If you want to attract a lot of sycophantic followers, I recommend yelling stuff that's a bit more entertaining (though the salacious information about your affair with the neighbor's wife may pique some interest, especially from your neighbor). Here's some things you could shout:
-I frightened off one of the woolly mammoths that keeps ransacking my vegetable patch.
-Pink just arrived at my cabin for the video shoot tomorrow at the lake.
-I'm in trouble, y'all! My lucrative business may lose its non-profit status if I don't get rid of all this money. Can you help a brother, out?

The key to public yelling to build a following is to be entertaining and interesting and not let the truth (or the cops) distract you. So grab your horn and claim your corn(-er).

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I just took my omega 3-6-9 complex with coffee instead of food as directed. That's probably ok because coffee does come from beans and beans are food right?

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DAN: Coffee, like pudding and mac and cheese, is most definitely a food! The caffeine gives the omega 3-6-9 complex a bit of a boost, especially the 9 part.
Not only is coffee a food, but it has magical healing properties as well, healing properties not found anywhere else in nature. For instance, both 
Dr. Gupta (CNN) and Dr. Oz (Oprah) have both touted the benefits of coffee enemas. According to a New England Journal of Medicine study, people who received regular coffee enemas experienced:
-less road rage.
-increased poetry comprehension.
-being asked by strangers if they had just left a Starbucks.
Note: some people receiving coffee enemas complained about colon chatter, whimsical sphincter, and camel toe cramps, but so far tests to confirm a link to these symptoms have proven inconclusive.

So coffee is great for both ends. Let's see waffles and pudding do that! (They can't; I tried).

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

CRY BABY by Dan Burt

Dear Stupid Ass Questions,  I'm babysitting and the baby keeps crying. Would it be a bad thing if I put the dogs bark collar on the baby?

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DAN: There is only one word to describe your solution of placing a bark collar on a crying baby--genius! Your innovation and creativity are the only reasons I maintain faith in the future of the human race. The good thing about babies is that most of them are fast learners. The bark collar will help them quickly focus on effectively shutting their cry hole.
Though only a minor concern, you may want to consider (briefly) why the baby is crying. Based on my experience, here is a handy list of causes to look for:

1. The baby is hungry. Remedy: feed the baby lots and lots of pudding (alternative: feed the baby lots and lots of mac and cheese).

2. The baby is in pain. Look for these signs:
-thorn in the baby's paw
-claw marks from a jealous pet
-singed tongue from licking electrical outlets
-one or more mousetraps snapped shut on one or more appendages
-burnt baby hands from touching the stove you forgot to turn off after making pudding and/or mac and cheese

3. The baby is sick and spewing pudding. Check to see if the baby has a fever. To do this, put on oven mitts and place the baby in a tub of water. If the water boils, remove the baby before poaching occurs.
Note: In cases where the baby will not shut up because of pain and/or sickness, and there is no sound-proof closet available, it is acceptable as a last resort to seek medical help (a small-animal veterinarian or local zookeeper are viable options).

4. The baby is a brat (the reason for 95% of crying baby cases). Remedy: time to strap on the bark collar. For slow learners, loudly play the soundtrack to my musical "Dingo Serenade" (contact me for special offers on the soundtrack and/or permission to perform the play "Dingo Serenade" at your local community theater).

Remember, the children are our future. Teach them well with bark collars so the next generation doesn't grow up to be a bunch of crybabies.

Monday, November 11, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I've heard that as you think, so you are. Does that mean I'm a pig? I've been thinking about bacon for a week now.

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DAN: Don't go rooting around in the slop bucket just yet. I think you are confusing "as you think, so you are" with the scientifically proven adage "you are what you eat." While the former is more of a philosophy, the latter is a fact. Thinking about food will not turn you into the source of that food, but eating pounds and pounds of bacon in a week will most assuredly eventually lead to a porcine appearance. To put it another way, you can think about dessert all you want, even while standing on your head on a plate in a corner, but that won't make you a pineapple upside down cake. Eat a cake a day, though, and you will develop a serious case of Bundt butt. 
As a philosophy, "as you think, so you are" has helped many people throughout history. Andrew Carnegie, who started the modern positive thinking movement, knew the power of the mind. Positive thinking helped him build successful businesses and wealth before he squandered his fortune after contracting philanthropy.

Today, positive thinking has been repackaged as The Secret (endorsed by Oprah). I've had mixed results using the techniques. Once, I wished for a hundred million dollars for a couple of weeks and won two small lotteries for a grand total of only nine hundred thousand dollars. That's not even one percent of what I was wishing for! Needless to say, I was disappointed. I ended up buying a couple of yachts which were hijacked by pirates. On a positive (thinking) note, I'm thrilled that authorities have not suspected me of the many neighborhood shed break-ins that have been occurring lately.