Thursday, January 22, 2015

REST STOP by Caryn Ruby

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, Every time I exert myself in any way I wet myself so, I started wearing toddler pull-ups. I love them cuz if I don’t want to take the time to go to the bathroom I can just go in my toddlers. I do however experience a little problem. When I walk you can hear a whooshing sound which makes people stare. Any ideas?

Caryn: Great question. First of all, kudos to you for taking charge of your own life! Why should you be burdened by spending time to find a restroom when there's usually a huge line, no toilet paper, or worse, it won’t flush! Just do what our ancestors did, naturally, anywhere they pleased. They enjoyed the freedom now reserved only for horses and dogs. What a shame.

Anyway, here are a few ideas right off the top of my head:
1) wear noisy shoes, like wooden flip flops or tap shoes to cover the sound;
2) pretend your talking on your phone to someone who is losing their hearing. I SAID PRETEND YOU ARE TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO IS LOOOSINNNG THEIR HEARRINNNG!!!! and they’ll cover THEIR ears; or

3) get a water bra and tell everyone about it, you’ll distract them both visually and aurally.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

IT'S A COVER UP by Caryn Ruby

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, Why do they call them "man-hole covers", when really they're covers for holes in the street?

Caryn: True story. My grandfather, Norman Ruby, was walking on Maxwell Street in Chicago courting my grandmother when all of a sudden, he disappeared. Turns out, he had fallen into a hole in the street and my grandmother helped pull him out. Later, Norman went to court and demanded they cover those man-holes! He explained women would never be so stupid as to fall into a hole in the ground. The judge agreed and the rest is history.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

WORK IT OUT by Caryn Ruby

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I’m a doctor but I’ve decided to go back to school to become a gym teacher. My family thinks I’m nuts but I love the comfy clothes I will get to wear all day AND I'll be able to eat all sorts of junk food while I watch students work out. Am I wrong?

Caryn: Screw your family, you've got the right idea! Sweats are WAY more laid back than scrubs, plus you can sleep in them and wear them again the next day. Besides, you ALMOST NEVER get to eat during surgery!
Nothing beats sitting on your ass and watching everyone else do the work for a change. Shorter hours, barking orders, talk about living the dream! Make those kids do whatever you want, and if they don’t listen, kick ‘em out (to the principal)! Think about the power you’ll finally have!

Another huge benefit I'll bet you didn't even think about - from now on, your job can’t force you to wash your hands anymore! BONUS!!

The only drawback I can see is the gigantic pay cut, but I wouldn't worry about it for too long, just let your family pick up the slack; it's their turn anyway.

Monday, January 19, 2015


Dear Stupid Ass Questions, Do you happen to know if they have an unusually large number of toilets per capita in Flushing, NY?

Caryn: The simple answer is yes. The more complicated answer is maybe? You see, before toilets everyone had outhouses, and Flushing, NY was named Outhouse, NY.
Henry Robert Flushing, who was born in Ithaka, NY and had extremely overactive bowels, moved with his family to Outhouse, NY after they suffered a devastating loss from the extreme winter of 1846. (Their dog had gone missing and Henry was so distraught, he had “accidents” all over their furniture and house, deeming it “uninhabitable”) Because of Henry's overly sensitive large intestine, he found he needed to relieve himself multiple times in succession but he did not enjoy his own....scent shall we say? So he devised a way to remove the contents from the bowl and essentially start anew. He named this new system "Flushing" after himself. Of course, once word spread and everyone enjoyed flushing, they threw a parade and re-named the town after him.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015


Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I think I'm adopted but my parents adamantly deny it. Is it possible for two whities to have a black child?

As-salamu alaykum!
You will be relieved to know that yes it is possible for two white people to give birth to a black child.  While it is rare, it does happen.  And it makes sense that it happens.  Two blonde people can have a child with brown hair.  To tall people can have a short baby.  Two living people can give birth to a baby who isn’t even alive at all.  

There is no rhyme or reason to genetics.  If parents could control variables about their baby like color or gender the rivers in China would be a lot more fun to swim in.  Every person is unique.  No two people are alike.  We are all like snowflakes.  Sometimes two snowflakes can produce a darker snowflake.  It is perfectly natural.  I can tell you an annicdote from my own life.

My neighbors are a lovely couple let’s call them Mike and Patty.  Mike and Patty are as white as an unblemished credit report.  Mike and Patty met when they both became teachers at a local community college.  Mike teaches drama, choreography, and costume design.  Mike is a great guy.  When he is not teaching he is active in the church and often stages his own interpretive dance productions at a local coffee shop.  I like Mike.  Patty is completely different then Mike.  Boy is she.  Where Mike is artistic Patty is athletic.  Patty teaches African studies during the school day and is the boys basketball coach.  Having Patty coach the boys basketball program has been great.    Although there have been more then one occasion when the coach was mistaken for a cheerleader.  

Patty is a very dedicated coach.  She works her boys hard but she cares for them with every bit as much passion as she coaches them.  Patty is ready and willing to roll up her sleeves and get messy when she needs to.  The school doesn’t have a big budget for their athletes.  So patty voluntarily gives many of her athletes private physical therapy and personal massages whenever she can.  Mike, by the way is always willing to help rub down any athletes that Patty can’t get to.  Mike and Patty seem to have very separate lives.  As they say opposites do attract.  Their marriage seems to be a happy one and just last year they welcomed their first child.  When Mike Jr. was born people were all so surprised to see that he was blacker then the bottom of a coal mine at midnight.   I wasn’t of course.  I understand what a roll of the dice genetics can be.  

Mike and Patty love that baby and are going to be great parents.  So I can tell you from personal experience that I have seen two very lovely, very white people have a son born who is much darker then either of them.  
So no you are not adopted.  You are not a freak. You are a scientific anomaly.  Just like a red head.


Monday, January 12, 2015

SELF STARTER by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I got an email the other day about earning thousands of dollars by working from home? It sounds so great & I’d love to get back to work again after having not worked for a year. All I have to do to get started is send them a one-time fee of a thousand dollars & they’ll send me information on how to do it. My question is, should I send a check, use my credit card, or send a money order? I can’t understand why more people don’t do this.

Dear Motivated Self Starter,
Welcome back to the work force.  We have missed you.  In this economy getting and keeping a job is supremely difficult.  Life in general is difficult.  It is full of trials and tribulations.  I don’t need to tell you that.  I shudder just thinking of all the hard luck stories you must have witnessed by watching Maury Povich every afternoon.   But you are obviously smarter then the average bear.  While all the dummies out there were killing themselves by constantly writing out resumes and going on interviews you took a nap.  Brilliant!  You waited for a job to come to you.   Some work harder, you my friend, work smarter.  Well, you do work smarter if you work at all.  

When it comes to not working at all, nothing beats working from home.  I work from home.  That is where I am right now.  In the time since I sat down to answer your letter I have paused to make a cup of tea, play with my cats,  surf the internet, playe with myself, take a nap and think about doing a load of laundry.  Oh the freedom that comes with working from home. 

Don’t let others judge you to harshly for working from home either.  They are just jealous.  Some of the most influential and powerful people throughout history have worked from home.  The President and the Pope work from home, don’t they?  I rest my case.

So tell me about this big money making, work from home opportunity.   Will you be entering the exciting world of envelope stuffing?  Will you get to answer countless surveys online?  Is it a bit risqué?   Is a webcam involved?  You know what?  Whatever it is it doesn’t matter.  I am sure that it will be satisfying and will make you rich.  Your question after all, was about  payment method to start.  When it comes to paying your $1000 to get started the only way to go is on a credit card.  Don’t send a check, that takes too long.  If you send a check it will take at least a week for the check to get there in the mail and then be cashed.  You need to start making money today.  So put it on the card.  Then as the $1000 debt sits in your account accruing 29% interest you can pretend that those are union dues.  
Thank you for you letter.  You are a hero.