Monday, October 31, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I notice a lot of those tank tops for sale. You know, the ones with the built in bra that make you look like you are sportin a uniboob? Is this look suppose to be attractive? Couldn’t I just wrap myself in duct tape and get the same effect? A whole roll of duct tape is only a dollar at the dollar store unless you go to the Dollar General. Then it could be a dollar or more.
BOB: Chicks in Duct Tape bras are pretty hot even if you’re not a redneck hillbilly. Enough Said!!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thank you Jordan for being our guest this week on StupidAssQuestions.com. We have had many requests for your future services. Guess you must have helped a few people out there with your good advice and all. If any of you have missed Jordan you can visit StupidAssQuestions.com to catch up. When Jordan isn't helping us you can find out where he is performing at Fried Nothing.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: As a doctor I find people always asking for free advice and it's really making me mad. Should I give them the wrong advice to teach them a lesson?
JORDAN: From what I understand, you are wanting to give people fake advice to teach them a lesson? If you are reading, have read, or are planning on reading any advice I have given to people on StupidAssQuestions, you will learn that fake advice is the best advice. My suggestion? Trick it up a little. Give them a recipe for parmesan-crusted tilapia or teach them how to change a spark plug. When they look back at you with a blank stare, just tell them you learned it from a drunken squirrel wearing pajama jeans and eat a banana with your ear. Then maybe they’ll stop asking your advice.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Michelle Obama just called me on the phone. She asked me for my credit card information. It seemed fishy, I mean it just didn’t sound like her and I said I didn’t believe it was her. That is until her husband, Barack got on the phone. He assured me it was her and, that I could give her my information with confidence. He said they were becoming a more hands on administration. Well, after he asked me how things were going he handed me over to Michelle to complete everything. The only thing is, she asked me to send a signed blank check so she could verify my identity to Pakistan. Are they on vacation AGAIN?
JORDAN: What are you, un-American? Of COURSE you should give the Obamas all of your credit card information. While you’re at it, give them your social security number, your bank account numbers, your cell phone contacts, your mother’s maiden name, where you went to elementary school, what your top score on Angry Birds is, what you thought of the ending of “Lost”, how many olives you can put on your fingertips and how many times you watched “Jersey Shore” and thought “Man, if those drunken idiots can get on TV, why can’t I!?” But that’s it. Don’t give them any more information or you might get bamboozled. To quote Mr. President-Pants: “Yes we can… take all yo’ money, sucka”!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Question: I saw on the news the other day an elephant that painted and they were selling his paintings for thousands of dollars. Do you think I could splash paint around and say my cat did it? I bet I could make a killing on ebay! Maybe paintings would go for more money if I stick a paint brush in my nose like those people with no arms. I could be the world’s first Rhino artist. I could call myself Pinocchio. Or is that already taken? It sounds vaguely familiar.
JORDAN: I’m going to let you in on a little secret… that elephant? It’s me. All me. I came up with the idea in 1994 and since then I have sold 142 paintings under the guise of a big, stinky, wrinkly elephant. And don’t tell me you seen a video of this elephant in action. Bear in mind that you can do a lot with CGI effects these days and I’m formally trained in the ancient art of B.S. In fact, that’s where all my painting money goes. To pay back the student loans I incurred at the National Institute of B.S. So before you go all willy-nilly and decide to steal my thunder, remember this: an elephant never forgets. The… advice he’s giving… to… people. Put THAT on your canvas and smoke it. Ha! But you can be a rhino if you want. I don’t care. Halloween is close.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love the shows where they do home makeovers. I bet you can earn sweet money doing that, but it seems like something anyone could do. Would it fly if I make a resume for myself and say I worked on “Extreme Make Over Home Edition” and start charging for my services? And do you think it matters if I’m colorblind? Well, actually I’m blind. But I could feel my way around the room and I am good at telling different colors apart if someone tells me what they are. My seeing-eye dog could help me move things around. He does great doggie tricks too.
JORDAN: May I remind you of a little someone named Stevie Ray Charles? That guy was completely blind and managed to fool the whole entire world into thinking he was actually two different people. He even fooled Michael Jackson, the greatest trickster of them all. So who is to say you can’t live your dream even though you can’t see it? However, instead of using “Extreme Make Over Home Edition” you might be better off putting a show like “Hoarders” on your resume. The more crap you can fill a room with, the less the person you’re designing for will be concerned about the little things like color or smell. I have 20 five foot tall stacks of newspapers from the early 1980’s in my apartment – they go GREAT with my armoire. I say go ahead and become an interior designer. As for your dog… get a cat.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I went on a blind date last night and got trashed. It was so bad that when I talked I couldn't form words properly. I'm upset cuz I'd like to go out with him again. Do you think he’d believe me if I call and say that I was speaking German all night in preparation for an exam the next day?
JORDAN: First off, it’s common practice to get absolutely blitzed on a first date. Alcohol brings out the very best in people – don’t be afraid to show your true drunken colors! I recommend a healthy dose of Petron with a Pabst Blue Ribbon chaser (in some countries that’s known as a “brain enema”). If you are that concerned about your slurred speech, perhaps you should get trashed every time you see this guy so that way he thinks you have a speech impediment. Practice makes perfect. You might even be able to park in handicapped parking. In the off-chance this guy actually speaks German, just remember a little Deutsch saying: “Wo ist meine hose? Gleich um die ecke!” and you will have a partner for life. FOR LIFE!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Yah, Hi.... Ummmm Could you tell me what street Canada is on?
BARB: Uh, Ummm, Yo. I get that question all the time. And I will not blow you off by telling you “Google it, dude.” Canada is on the UN sunny side of the street under mile-high snowdrifts and ice mounds. BTW, the only one who has actually seen Canada is a polar bear named Monty. He took this photo:
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I went to Yellowstone Park’s website to check things out before I take my whole family. You know, to be prepared. Anyway after viewing everything I got quite worried. On their map they have all the entrances marked with signs, but they have no exit signs. How will we get out?
BARB: Simple. When you’re ready to leave the park, flag down one of Yellowstone’s many ravenous Grizzlies or resident serial killers - they’ll “direct” you! Congratulations, nothing says “I love my family” like dying a gory death in the Godforsaken wilderness. Camping is not for the faint of heart, the flimsy of spine, or the meek of stomach. An alternative to Yellowstone: Pitch an AeroBed on the balcony of a five star hotel, pop a bottle of bubbly, and pig out on Smores ‘til the cows come home. BTW: For me, a weekend away from L.A. or NYC. is camping.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Question: Why does Walmart have like 20 checkouts but only 2 lanes that are open? Isn't this false advertisement? Doesn't it give the shopper a false sense of get out fast security? Should I call my congressman and report them?
BARB: Yes, by all means call your congressman and bitch a blue streak. Your guy in D.C. told me just yesterday that he doesn’t chew the fat enough with scintillating constituents like you. BTW, if he sounds like he’s distracted while you’re bending his ear, he’s probably just multitasking – you know - taking screenshots of his itsy bitsy teenie weenie private parts so he can sext them to horny Cub Scouts and slutty interns on his Twitter list.
BTW NEWS FLASH: WalMart is not exactly known as the Nascar of tacky discount stores. You want customer service? Try Saks Fifth Avenue.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently while on Facebook a "friend" said to me, "Next time I go to the lake I'll take you". It's been a month now and he hasn't called. Should I just show up at his house with my family? Do you think I should bring food or will he have everything prepared? And does it matter that I really don’t know him?
BARB: Sure, honey. Knock yourself out all day in the hot kitchen. Spare no expense. I would also invite ALL your FB friends and their families, too. While you’re at it, add your other social network pals to the guest list. The more the merrier!
BTW, “he” isn’t your friend. He doesn’t have a cool house on the lake. He probably isn’t even a “he.” Geez, it used to be that only clinically lonely kids and certified psychotics had imaginary friends. Now every sad goofball on Facebook has a bevy of BFFs. “Harvey” ring a bell?
Monday, October 17, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My best friend let me use her car. Well, after being out at my local bar I accidentally hit a phone pole. She would be so mad if she knew I went out that night and got drunk without her. Would it be ok if I ditched it somewhere and said it was stolen?
BARB: Great question. Ditch the crappy car in your local junkyard, then dump your dopey friend. She says you can’t drink and drive without her? Who does she think she is - Lindsay Lo? Sounds way too clingy! You may be cultivating a stalker in that sicko relationship. BTW, aren’t you thrilled you’re not a celebrity and didn’t get your very stupid ass arrested and your skeezy mug shot splashed all over TMZ for the entire world to enjoy? Friends don’t let friends be stupid asses – unless, of course, they are, too.
For your amusement, watch “Smile!” and weep!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I entered an art show last night and they haven’t called me yet to tell me if I made it in or not. Should I sit on their doorstep and say I’m here to find out if I made it? Or should I break in the museum and sit there till they open up and give me an answer? Would a bag of chips ahoy help them decide? Or is it better to do homemade? I could get my neighbor to make them. She’s fat so she must know how to bake goodies. I really don’t want to spend too much time on this so would a bag of doggie treats work just as well? I saw that Milk Bone is on sale right now so I could put together a big platter. The museum curator is an old lady and probably eats cat food so she won’t know the difference. Do you think I made it?
DAN: Most of the famous artists I've known used food to get into their first art show. Picasso used French tarragon chicken, while De Kooning offered cheese-stuffed manicotti. Jackson Pollock just got drunk and threatened to beat the crap out of the gallery owner with a turkey leg.
Then there was Andy Warhol, who said to me my first day at The Factory, "Help! I've been shot!" My first day happened to be the day Valerie Solanas dropped by so Andy could "say hello to her little friend" (sorry, I'm not good with accents). When she opened fire, I courageously bolted into action by racing across the room and wrestling the window open, then dashing down the fire escape into the relative safety of the bustling New York City crowd. I found out later Andy was rushed to the hospital where doctors attempted an emergency hair transplant, but it didn't take, leaving him with a disfigured coiffure. My point being, I bet Warhol used food, too, probably soup. If I had to guess, I'd say Progresso.
You seem like a person in a hurry to launch an art career, a person who wants to get stuff done no matter how ill-informed and useless your methods are. Let me recommend a book I've found helpful in my own life: Common Sense, Patience, and Other Rare Qualities by Barney Ouchmoody. This precious jewel has provided me with pertinent wisdom during my impatient, dumb times. Unfortunately, the author won't be offering any more advice because this book was published posthumously after he died in an automobile accident attempting to pass a slow driver around a blind curve.
Stop worrying about whether or not you’re in the art show. You should be working on your backup plan, such as procuring a booth at a flea market. May I suggest Flea Market Montgomery, a first-class business establishment where I sell my popular edible glues behind the building out of the back of my van next to the dumpster.
For More..... StupidAssQuestions.com
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’ve begun drinking more water at my doctor’s suggestion. Problem is that it makes me have to visit the bathroom MUCH more than I care to. I’m elderly so sometimes I almost don’t make it. Adult diapers are far too costly for my budget. Should I buy some ShamWows and sit on them?
DAN: Just like my regular doctor, yours sounds like a quack. My doctor’s known as a quack because he only accepts payment in ducks. He is very affordable. My annual physical (including prostate exam and scrotum adjustment) only costs me three ducks. My doctor is kind and caring, too. Not only does he feed the ducks during my examination, he lets them watch.
He inspired me to dream of becoming a country doctor myself, but only if the country were Third World and did not check medical training credentials.
I think you got your duck’s worth when your doctor suggested you drink more water, even if you have to pay extra for the bottled variety. I’ve read that bottled water is not any better than the water you find in your toilet, and may even have a comparable taste. Before testing this out, however, make sure you flush.
Regarding your “leaky” situation, I have a product that will plug your holes. While marketed as an edible glue, I discovered the concoction works just as effectively as a natural body dam (one of the recurring side effects). Just squeeze a tube in whatever water you’re drinking, be it bottled or bowl, and forget about urinating for a few weeks. Eventually, the “plugs” work themselves free with little pain, similar to passing kidney stones.
Be careful with the ShamWows! Sitting on them too long will lead to extreme dehydration, causing you to develop a look and texture of beef jerky.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Question: I was asked recently to do temporary work. When I inquired as to what they would be paying they looked at me like I just fell off a turnip truck and said you start Monday. What’s a turnip truck?
DAN: One thing you must remember about jobs: though some jobs may not pay in folding money, all jobs pay in experience. Today, I still use the experience I gained from my days as a grout taster (mainly, don’t taste everything you’re asked to).
You didn’t mention what kind of work you will be performing, but if you’re being hired to fall off a turnip truck, you may have “fallen” into the perfect career. I mean, you could be hired to fall off of worse things, like a huge ball of used dental floss or a pile of dead penguins.
Turnip trucks are modern day mechanical wonders:
Rumor has it that the first turnip truck was reverse engineered from alien technology at Area 51.
Not only have I driven a precision built turnip truck, I lived in one for several years after my common law wife kicked me out of the townhouse when her cat died from eating a batch of my homemade edible glue I left on the vanity in the guest bathroom.
Good luck! Maybe the temporary position will become permanent.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Dan, I recently lost a friend over a joke I told about them at one of my recent stand up comedy routines. I don't get it. Should I have maybe left their name out of the joke?
Size DOES matter so click picture to enlargeDAN: If a “friend” gets upset just because of your incredibly insensitive joke, they were not a friend to begin with. You need only be concerned with one thing: did the joke get a laugh? If so, keep it in the routine. If not, get rid of it like it got rid of that fake friend of yours. Either way, that joke’s serving a purpose.
One lesson I’ve learned in life is that people are fickle. I’m estranged from many friends, family members, patients, and pets because I’ve posted stories using details from their personal lives on my blog. Apparently, these thin-skinned technophobes don’t understand how blogs work, how blogs need entertaining, salacious gossip to increase Internet traffic and “buzz” in order to get a book deal.
I do know what it’s like not to be forgiven because of a joke, though. I once recounted an especially graphic rendition of “The Aristocrats” joke in front of a captive audience and was immediately asked to leave the room. And to this day, I have not been asked back to teach another Sunday school class.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am trying desperately to lose weight for an upcoming reunion. You know how those can be. So I was wondering.... do you think it would be safe to super glue my lips together? Or is Monkey glue best. I'll leave a tiny hole open in middle for a straw. Oh and how do I get it apart once I've lost all my weight?
DAN: Let me commend you for choosing starvation as a weight-loss method. Research has shown—and I’ m talking research conducted by real scientists and supermodels—that starvation is very effective for losing weight, as effective as abstinence is in preventing pregnancy. Just by tweaking your lifestyle to eliminate food and sex, you could attain the two most desirable attributes sought after at a reunion: skinny and childless. You want further proof of effectiveness? Starvation was the method of choice used by Oprah when she lost all that weight back in 1988, allowing her to fit into her skinny jeans for eight minutes and thirty-seven seconds that year.
Regarding starvation methods: You’re in luck! I’ve developed an edible glue that is just perfect for your situation. The patent is pending and the glue is not yet FDA approved, but I only have to finish documenting side effects (such as teeth and denture disintegration), submit the patent applications, and pay filing fees. I can send you a few tubes for free; you just pay two small shipping and handling fees of $34.27 and I’ll even throw in a special pair of gloves that you can wear when applying the glue (believe me, you’re going to need those gloves). Make sure you sign, notarize, and return the waiver release forms with your payment (cash money is fine). Your glue will be shipped and delivered to your door immediately if it is not confiscated by the post office as a hazardous substance. The edible glue comes in several strengths and flavors, from post-it note pineapple (bonding strength effective for one day) to lip-ripping lemon (bonding strength effective for several months).
Along with using a straw for your recommended daily two-liter Diet Coke, I suggest you also keep hydrated using a neti pot. Don’t forget the absorption properties of the eyeballs.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a like page on Facebook as well as my regular Facebook page. My mother said that I need to hit the LIKE button on it. I think it’s stupid to like myself on Facebook. Won’t people think that I’m being vain? My mother said that if you don’t like yourself no one else will. Would it be a good idea to start another Facebook page under a FAKE name, then friend the REAL me. The REAL me would except my FAKE friendship and then the FAKE me could like the REAL me page. I could actually create many FAKE me pages and all the FAKE me could like the REAL me page. That way none of my friends would know that the FAKE me is liking the REAL me and they would think that the REAL me was popular.
STACEY: I wanted to first congratulate you on creating a LIKE page, just by doing that you are saying you LIKE yourself and least subconsciously. I agree with mom, mom always knows best! Of course you should hit the LIKE button. If you were so worried about being vain you shouldn’t of created the LIKE page in the first place silly. You think Kim Kardashian or even the ugly sister would be afraid to hit the LIKE button on their LIKE page? I don’t think so ! And there is no ugly Kardashian sister I was just testing you. That being said, I think you should definitely create FAKE friends to LIKE you. As I always say to if your FAKE friends don’t LIKE you than who will. Now those FAKE friends should not just be regular folk, they should interesting, crazy and exciting people like criminals on death row, celebrities from celebrity Rehab, dead presidents, Bjork. You should also consider using Photoshop and superimpose your picture next to them in fun places and post it on your wall. You should create a whole society of FAKE profiles and interact with all of them everyday all day. I don’t care if you have quit your job, quit school, or quit your out patient program. You main objective is to just create profiles “LIKE” your life depended on it. Remember your main goal is to be the most popular. The possibilities are endless. Your FAKE friends will talk to each other about how amazing you are, you can argue with them; have them argue with each other. You could block them and than unblock them just for fun Heck you should even make LIKE pages for them too and make up even more FAKE friends for your FAKE friends but remember make sure you have most FAKE friends of all. Maybe you could even have a FAKE frienemy and Fake “ stalker”. Stalkers are always fun! Your “real” friends if you still have any left would think you are the coolest most amazing person in the world and maybe you will the find love or at least the “LIKE” you where looking for. After all isn’t that what this is all about. One more thing make sure to rent the movie “Cat Fish”.