Thursday, September 29, 2011

FARMVILLE, by Gisele Noel

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I don’t have a job but I’m really moving up a lot of levels in Farmville. Could this be a sign that I should be a farmer? Maybe I should buy a cow and a few chickens and start selling milk and eggs. Do you know anyone who could lend me some money? Just until I make it big?

Dear Mel Gibson, 
I’m glad to hear you’ve been keeping busy with something other than rage.  But let’s face it, you’ve already had your time. Still, I might be able to connect you with a phone sex operator willing to donate to your cause on the down low. I’ll make some calls because I suspect even your ex-agency & ex-wife would support you in returning to the land . . . except they probably prefer you do it in a pine box.  Either way, someone is getting a write-off.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sex, Lies & Christian Woman by Gisele Noel

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love talking on the phone and getting to know new people. So while I’m at work I call sex lines. I’m a Christian so I try to find out why these people do this stuff. One lady I talked with said its cuz it’s good money. Do you think a Christian woman such as myself should give it a try? After all, who would know and like she said, it’s good money. I could tithe 10% to the church and that would make it ok. 

Dear Toddlers & Tiaras Mom,  I applaud your innovation on the disturbing ways to feel good about yourself.  But I’ve watched enough forensic files to know that if you donate to charity, the IRS will shut you down.  If you want to look noble while getting paid on the down-low for screwing people, then  you need to run for office.  After all, why re-invent the wheel?  Everyone knows hypocrisy pays best when you print the money. Best of Luck.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Toddlers & Tiaras by Gisele Noel

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My paycheck isn’t going very far lately with the rise in prices and all. Do you think I could rob a liquor store? Like, isn’t alcohol the devils work anyway? It would be my contribution to mankind.

Dear Mrs. Duggar, Inflation will never be as high as the headcount that’s been in your uterus.  So even if you stole all the liquor in the world, you could never drown out the pain that Kate has to audition for Sister Wives just to compete with you in sheer volume of kids.  There’s only 1 way to make enough money & stretch your resources while doing the devil’s work and that’s to audition for Toddlers & Tiaras. God speed.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Would I get away with writing my own ransom note and not show up to work for a while? I don’t feel like working anymore and maybe my boss would wire the money and then I could just quit. From what I can figure out I’m worth at least 2 thousand.

Dear Kate,  It’s good you don’t want to work anymore since you were already finally fired by the ratings. While someone may be willing to pay $2k to keep you off the air, that won’t even pay for your next round of Botox. There’s only 1 way a mother of 8 can go on without working and that’s to audition for Sister Wives. Break a leg.

Friday, September 23, 2011

President Obama by Tony Moschetto

TONY: Dear President Obama, 
You are so welcome. It is our pleasure indeed, sir. You have asked and we answered, that's what we do.You asked how much meat is too much to eat in one sitting and we answered. (7 lbs). You asked what to get Michelle for your anniversary. We answered. By the way, have you maxed out that Victoria Secret credit card yet?  But most importantly, you asked many questions regarding American policies and we answered. It has been our honor to assist you in setting National Policy. 
It's good to know that you know comedians are the life blood of America. Keep the questions coming sir and we will answer them the best and funniest we can. Thank you and god bless the United States of America.
Tony Moschetto- Comedian of the Week & registered Democrat.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

High Speed Internet by Tony Moschetto

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My high speed Internet was down and I called the ISP. The weenie at the no help desk said "You can check the network status on our website!" I told him if I was able to do that I would not be on the phone with him! 
TONY: What did he say after you said that? Did he chuckle? Yeah, I  bet he did because it's a hilarious clever quip. The hint of sarcasm you're reading is real. Maybe...because my girlfriend is an IT person, or because my teammate on my men's hockey team is also an IT person or most important of all, my dear friend Timmy is an IT person/customer service rep for a very reputable local internet company. These “weenies” as you call them are under a great deal of stress. Believe me, I know first hand.

To make matters worse, Timmy is in the hospital at this moment. How do you feel now? The stress, well, it's not work related stress, it's actually his gallbladder. He needs it removed. But, I think if people were a little more nicer to him, as in not calling him a weenie, he'd be a little more eager about getting back to work. He'd be flying out of that bed and back to his cubicle in order to serve us and keep our high speed internet up and running. Get well soon, Timmy! Your operator style headset is hanging on the corner of you computer monitor where you left it!  Heal, heal fast so my friend here can update his Facebook status and blog about his ironic life. My internet is running a little slow but at least it's running and I can check out my network status.
Also, not to make you sound like a dick, but did you know that in some countries they don't have high speed internet? Cuba, yeah the country of Cuba, just recently installed high speed internet in their country. They're connected now from an undersea cable laid from Venezuela. Venezuela isn't aware of this yet, unfortunately, so don't say anything. Cuba knows it is too far away to steal their wireless signal so they stole Venezuela's actual cable instead. Do you see my point here? You have high speed internet. What, it  would kill you to go down to your local library and check the network status on one of their computers? Pretty easy if you ask me. I  mean, imagine what the average Cuban citizen goes through on a daily basis. If their high speed internet goes down they're screwed! Have you ever tried to get customer service in a Communist country? You know Castro won't allow them to call Venezuela, heck, Castro doesn't even have a facebook profile. I  personally  think that sometimes the customer should be a little more forgiving and a lot more pro-active. Think of Timmy for Christ's sake. If not, move to Cuba. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Fashion Mavin, Tony Moschetto tightens the slack on pants.

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I was watching the stars arrive at the Golden Globes Awards and one of the announcers commented that a male star was wearing tight slacks. How the hell can they be tight and slack at the same time? There can be no such thing as “TIGHT SLACKS”.

TONY: Philosophically, you are right.  That is, if you're looking at it in a purely oxymoronic way. Slacks, to some, are a way of life. Nietzsche referred to his slacks as his happy place. Evidenced by his quote, “All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking”. Do you think he would've thought this if he were wearing tight slacks? No.
Greek philosophers didn't wear pants. They wore togas or robes of some sort. Philosophers in general wear loose clothing. So, if I wear loose slacks does that make me a philosopher? Perhaps. I have a very low threshold when it comes to the tightness of my pants. I like my slacks to be ultra slack. Some people have a high threshold when it comes to tightness. I don't.
The real question, does everyone have their own definition of “slack”? Just like the meaning for many words in our vocabulary have changed over the years, so has the  meaning for slacks.  It's really a matter of semantics. Slacks are just a cool way of saying pants now.  
Here's the reason for the confusion. Before there were “slacks” fellows wore “trousers”. Men donned them with pride, usually held up with a nice set of spiffy suspenders. They wore them to the hardware store; to the ballpark or for a stroll with their best gal. Trousers were made from cotton and came in three colors in those days, tan, black or gray. They were practical. They were pleated. They were baggy. They were indeed, slack.  Under no circumstances was the rear end defined in them. Nobody had an ass in these things.  But something happened. Its name, polyester.  
All of a sudden it was cool to wear tight apparel. Men and women wore their pants the same and with pride. Instead of wearing them to the hardware store or ballgame, they wore them to the discotheque or to a funky wedding. They didn't stroll either, the cruised in them. The mere purpose for this lack for slack was to show off the tush or the package. This type of trouser were called slacks. Tight in the tuchus, slack only below the knee.
In reality, slacks were meant to  be tight. Saying “tight slacks” is like saying “free gift” or “she's a little pregnant”, it's the same. It's what they were designed for. Just somewhere along the way the trouser turned into the slack. Sadly, the new fangled slack also ushered in the era of the camel toe. It's sad but true.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Why Am I Fat? by Tony Moschetto

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I eat my weight in candy and popcorn at every movie & I go to at least 4 a week. I eat butter and sugar sandwiches on white wonder bread or else mayonnaise sandwiches. I drink kool-aid & cokes, lots of them. But, I walk everywhere I go to work it all off. So, why am I  fat?

TONY: Hopefully, you'll read through this answer before putting on the feed bag. Now, I  know that may have sounded mean but don't consider it that way. Look at it more like tough love. What I'm about to tell you might seem like pie in the sky but if you listen, it'll be a piece of cake. My method works, the proof is in the pudding...and no you can't have any. But seriously, let's get to the meat of the issue. Did you read the question you wrote?! “I eat my weight in candy and popcorn...butter and sugar sandwiches...or else mayonnaise sandwiches...I drink kool-aid & cokes, lots of them.” You might as well have asked, “Geez, if I jump out of an airplane at 20,000 feet without a parachute would I die?” Yeah, you'll end up as flat as a pancake. Wonder why you're fat?

But you walk to and fro everywhere you go, good start. You also go to the movies, that's good, means you're no couch potato. What do you do for work, you know, how do you bring home the bacon? At work, are you the big enchilada? The big cheese? Hopefully, you're on the gravy train, paid well and all. Just wondering. Also, I was wondering, how many miles do you walk in a week? If it isn't at least 3,000miles you may want to think about it.
Anyway, I apologize again for sounding so mean but here's some food for thought...not real food, just words. I understand dieting is tough, it's  not worth getting into a stew about it. Just try and choose the right one, the best one, the cream of the crop diet. Stay positive. You're a good egg. You're the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's hard, especially with the daily grind of life. You may feel like you have too much on your plate, like you have your finger in too many pies, but don't despair, don't give up. As Forest Gump put it, life is, like a box of chocolates. And, if a diet doesn't work or this answer has made you hungry in any way, you should contemplate getting cast on NBC's The Biggest Loser or gastrointestinal surgery.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Diabeeetus, a Sexual Turn On by Tony Moschetto

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Do People Get Diabetes By Eating Too Much Sugar?
TONY: Diabetes is a serious condition. According to the American Diabetes Association, 25.8 million children and adults in the United States, or 8.3% of the population have diabetes.  Anyway, nowhere on their website did it say anything about getting diabetes from eating too much sugar. Nor did it say anything about Wilfred Brimley's pronunciation of the word. He pronounces it, “diabeetus”. The ADA must not mind because they gave him a lifetime of service award in 2008.

Here's what I know...several years ago I went out with a gal that had diabetes. She had to inject herself with insulin a few times a day. At first, she was very sensitive about having to inject herself in front of me. After awhile she felt comfortable and started to. She was surprised by my calmness and willingness to watch as others in the past usually turned away. I told her I didn't mind at all. In fact, I said it kind of turned me on a bit. She asked why. I told her it was because of my fantasy of dating a heroin addict. The feeling of being with some strung out dope fiend aroused me, I told her. It was the best of both worlds, I would get the sensation of living dangerously as I watched her “shoot up” , so to speak, and derive all the pleasure without the fear of contracting some horrid disease or getting hooked on the stuff myself. 

She stopped returning my phone calls shortly thereafter. 
I discovered a lot about myself while dating this gal. Like my secret desire to role play and act out all the forbidden hidden fantasies that lay deep within my psyche.
It also taught me a lot about diabetes. So, to answer your, you can't get diabetes from eating too much sugar.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Cleaning Wench by Thomas Bellezza


Do you have what it takes to....."

Listen in every  Tuesday @ 7pm till 10pm with your host Thomas J Bellezza... for music, comedy and actors as our guests. Plus we talk about the business entertainment world, and make fun of a few things going on in the news.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Cats in the Mayo with a Silver Spoon... by Thomas Bellezza


Do you have what it takes to....."

Listen in every  Tuesday @ 7pm till 10pm with your host Thomas J Bellezza... for music, comedy and actors as our guests. Plus we talk about the business entertainment world, and make fun of a few things going on in the news.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What Does Grammar & Xmas Have in Common? by Thomas Bellezza


Listen in every  Tuesday @ 7pm till 10pm with your host Thomas J Bellezza... for music, comedy and actors as our guests. Plus we talk about the business entertainment world, and make fun of a few things going on in the news on......  MakeaRightLeftHere

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Abstain From Procreating. by Thomas Bellezza

Do you have what it takes to....."

Listen in every  Tuesday @ 7pm till 10pm with your host Thomas J Bellezza... for music, comedy and actors as our guests. Plus we talk about the business entertainment world, and make fun of a few things going on in the news. Tonight Actor Alexander Larkin, Comedian Michael Sandora, Musician James Corallo and a special guest appearance from Mister Leigh West all tonight on MAKE A RIGHT LEFT HERE TV!!!!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Is Showering Outside Good For The Eco-System? by Thomas Bellezza


Do you have what it takes to....."

Listen in every  Tuesday @ 7pm till 10pm with your host Thomas J Bellezza... for music, comedy and actors as our guests. Plus we talk about the business entertainment world, and make fun of a few things going on in the news.

Friday, September 9, 2011

YES, You CAN Take it With You by Andy Gold


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: While I’m at work I think up all sorts of get rich schemes and then make phone calls to unsuspecting old people to bilk them out of their retirement money. Is this bad. I figure they’ll be dead soon and as they say, “You can’t take it with you”. So actually it’s NOT a bad thing is it? Never mind I think I just answered my own stupid ass question right?
ANDY: No! You did not answer your own question! It's a good thing you came to me. You see what you said about "You can't take it with you" is not always true. You see in ancient Egypt the people did take their treasures with them, and if somebody stole from them, then that somebody would have a curse put on them that would involve man-eating bugs, dust storms, monsters that are made of snot and buggers and other unpleasant encounters. This is also true with people living today that have even a drop of Egyptian blood so, you must be careful not to rip off any Egyptians. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Paul Newman Fan by Andy Gold

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am a BIG Paul Newman fan. In fact I’ve seen everyone of his movies so many times that I feel like family. Do you think I could stop by and visit with Joanne? 

ANDY: I think you should go visit Paul's wife Joanne for 2 reasons. The first is that you're already on a first name basis with her (Super!) The second is a little more complex. You see, what a lot of people don't know is that Paul Newman had an affinity for urinating on dead animals. He first peed on a dead animal in 1967 on the set of "Cool Hand Luke" (or whatever year that movie was made) Between shooting scenes there was a dead raccoon on the side of the road. Paul thought to himself "Pee on it Paul." Then he thought "No Paul, that's morbid what's wrong with you?" Finally he thought "Well, why not? How many people can say they've peed on a dead raccoon?" So, Paul went ahead and peed on that dead raccoon. And you know what? He was glad he did. Paul sadly became hopelessly addicted to peeing on dead things. (the addiction is second only to heroin) Paul kept it a secret from Joanne for many years until one day, Joanne came home to find Paul peeing on the family dog. Paul couldn't find any road kill, became desperate and killed the family dog so, he could pee on it. Paul, to redeem himself started making delicious charitable jelly. Now that Paul is dead, Joanne is unsure that she can save the jelly. I insist you visit her and talk her into saving that delicious jelly.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Baby Chicks, the Other White Meat by Andy Gold

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love chickpeas and put them on everything. My sister said that I have to stop eating them because I’m a vegetarian and they are made from baby chicks. Is that true?

ANDY: No that is not true. You are not a vegetarian. It is true that Chickpeas are baby chicks, but seeing as how you are not a vegetarian, you can eat them. I am surprised that your sister knows so little about you. I think you should consider asking if she's your real sister (I doubt it) I'll bet it's a man who's dressed like you're sister that is a blood-thirsty baby chicken craving maniac that has eaten all of his baby chickens and now he wants yours. The same thing happened to my cousin Steve.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Free Ice Cream for Life by Andy Gold

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: A local ice cream parlor had a coupon for a free 3 scoop ice cream AND their big man’s hot chocolate and bananas sundae. So of course I went because I love ice cream. Later that night I threw up and had a bad stomachache. Should I tell them their ice cream made me sick? They might give me free ice cream for life.

ANDY: Yes, you should absolutely complain and get free ice cream because they were in the wrong!  Everybody knows that a big man should never make a hot chocolate! Hot chocolate is a delicate drink that should only be made by a woman. You see when a John Goodman like big brute makes you a hot chocolate he'll get saw dust or whiskers in it which will make you sick; also when combined with ice cream and bananas (2 other feminine foods) it only compounds and gets worse. I say they give you free ice cream for life or you sue them and take their wives, houses, kids, pets and cars, Then make you're own kids with their wives. These hooligans need to made examples of. You don't put big lumberjacks in charge of that kind of food.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Witch Craft-E-Ness by Andy Gold


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: How come women are way more clever than men? 

ANDY: Great question! Woman are way more clever than men out of necessity. You see woman possess no real praiseworthy attributes and have had to develop the trait of being clever. Woman for centuries and centuries could only hope to get by on their looks to be an acceptable part of society. Sadly many woman were born ugly and had to move to the countryside and become witches. This helped to pass the boredom, but was an inconvenient lifestyle as they were often burned to death.  It wasn't until the the last 100 years or so, that woman developed a mental capacity that was equal to men. However this was not enough to get equal rights so, woman developed the trait of being clever. Much more clever than men. Because of this development we have seen woman like Roseanne and many other ugly woman achieve success. However attractive woman are still, usually very stupid. Occasionally however, because of a mutation in the woman's chromosome there is a woman who is attractive and smart. And that's the story of the prenuptial agreement. Thanks a lot and I hope I was helpful!

Friday, September 2, 2011

THANKS ROSE! by Stupid Ass Questions

Rose has had a busy summer. She was elected to the Board of Directors of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists (NSNC) on June 26th at the “Rebound in Motown” Conference in Detroit. AND most importantly, she was this weeks guest comedian at Stupidassquestions . We loved having her. THANK YOU Rose for your great advice. 

Rose would like all of her writer friends to join the NSNC via its website They are embarking on an exciting year. The organization is open to authors, freelance columnists (newspapers and magazines) and bloggers. Membership will benefit your writing career.

Recently, she teamed up with Giovanni "G-MAN" Gelati of BlogTalkRadio and produced a digital short story for you. It is a face-off in a fictitious Philadelphia comedy club titled "Dueling Microphones." He will be interviewing several NSNC members during the next few months about their new books in the GZONE.

Rose states, "We had a great time writing "Dueling Microphones" and promoting it on all the social networking sites, and I will be performing one of the sets live at The Helium Comedy Club, 2031 Sansom St., Philadelphia soon. It would have been last Saturday, but Irene upstaged my act. I will have something up on YouTube for you".

Check out Rose's website f0r her books and humor, humor, humor.
(Re-printed with permission by Rose A. Valenta)

Get Your Priorities Straight by Rose A. Valenta

Dear StupidAssQuestions: I've been distressed over the sinking economy, political dysfunction, global chaos, the Arab spring, nuclear winter, famine in Africa, Al Gore's angst, and my inability to tame that pesky cowlick terrorizing my cool new celebrity hairstyle. Do you think I should just say no to cable TV (except for my faves "The Kardashians" and "New Jersey Housewives" ) and stop worrying my pointy head over the stupid newsy things?

ROSE: Most of the things you watch on cable news have little or no direct impact on your personal life, nor will they cure the cowlick. So what if Judge Jeanine likes to apply nail polish while interviewing Mark Fuhrman about his expert opinion regarding lying under oath during a criminal trial; and so what if Nancy Grace was once considered for the role of Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback during auditions for a Harry Potter movie. Your cowlick is more important, right? Stop worrying.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Where's the Poke Button on Linkedin? by Rose A. Valenta

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just joined another social network on the internet, Linkedin, but I can’t seem to find the poke thing on here. Do you know how to poke someone on Linkedin?

ROSE: Yes, you steal a Forbes Billionaire’s resume and beef up your own listing with it. That should poke everybody. You will be the most popular poke on Linkedin. You might even get a better paying job. It’s like when you go to a job interview and they ask you how much you are making now, so they can offer you the standard 10% more.