Thursday, May 31, 2012



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I went to an all you can eat buffet and brought a cooler to put in my left over food. I was told this is not appropriate to do. Don't they expect people to do that or why else would it be all you can eat? There is no sign saying, "All you can eat right here".

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MARV: That was MOST unwholesome of them! How dare they!? I say legislature needs to be passed allowing us to bring coolers-- no wait, mini fridges-- no wait-- Ice boxes into all you can eat buffets and run them all out of business! They you and I can embark on my most brilliant entrepreneurial endeavor ever-- a nationwide chain of, wait for it, wait for it--- DELIVERY BUFFETS!!!!! This has never been tried before believe it or not! We will corner the market and make delivery buffets a true American tradition!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

IT'S THE LAW by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I recently moved to America and find they have all kinds of rules like... changing your smoke alarm batteries when day light savings time hits. I think this is dumb because I just put batteries in my smoke alarm but I don't want to be arrested. Do you think I could take batteries out of the pack in the store and put my old ones in the package? The batteries are still good.

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MARV: Welcome to America! I hope you didn't come from Mexico for a job, as we just shipped all of ours there. As to the legality of being arrested for smoke alarm batteries, I did some checking. According to U.S. penal statute 1w3r563.997LoL69, paragraph 419, subsection J, amendment C, which referred me to page 3394 of the UCMJ, paragraph 9, sentence 5, which referred me to-- something else, I just gave up and went next door to ask my police officer neighbor about it, to which I got the reply "We couldn't give a rat's a$$ about your batteries! We've got rapists and pedophiles and murderers!". And, I noted, people that drive too fast, don't use their turn signals, and bump into other cars. God they are sticklers for that! Anyhow, don't get your panties in a wad about the batteries, you're safe! Rip the tag off your mattress however, and you will face the needle!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

SLACKER by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I haven't gotten a thing done at work all day and its already 12:30. Should I try to get stuff done or just chalk it up as a loss and go home?

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MARV: Not getting anything done at work by 12:30 pm is an accomplishment! Either course of action you suggested would be a severe breach of etiquette! You are going for the gold my friend! You are going to stick it out, on the clock, till 5 pm when that whistle blows, collecting a paycheck while getting ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DONE! I believe in you,  I am rooting for you, I'm living vicariously through you, as I work a job that requires daily production to collect a paycheck for some reason :( . So go forth unto the rest of your day, busily shuffling papers with no writing on them, staring thoughtfully into space as you tap your pencil on your desk, putting calls on hold that you could easily take, sending e-mails about TPS report changes then sending e-mails reversing those changes-- and know that I, Marv Ellis-- wait with breathless anticipation of the success of your endeavor to complete your day of non-productiveness in pursuit of an unearned income! Namaste my friend, namaste--

Monday, May 28, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why am I so beautiful? I've googled it, gone to Wikipedia. I've even almost asked Jeeves. I don't really trust him so I won't ask him again. Do you trust Jeeves? Like what would he know anyway. Isn't he just a butler?

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MARV: I checked with my friend at the secret government DNA lab and he informed me that you are so beautiful because you were inadvertantly infused with the DC8, DQ1, SI7, FV3, XT2 DNA sequence that is more commonly referred to as the "Not beaten by the ugly stick" strand. You were supposed to be injected with the Rosie O'Donnell strand instead, so please expect to be abducted by aliens soon to correct the mistake. Until then, go get "some action" as much as possible, as after the correction-- you'll be lucky to get spit on by bums. My address is 111 main street, Collinsville IL. I just got a fresh supply of Viagra and my mom is out of town, so there's plenty of action to be had here! Thank you all again for another great week of stupid ass questions! Look me up on Facebook at Marv Ellis, in Collinsville IL for more humor and quibs about my daily life! 

Friday, May 25, 2012

WHO DA DADDY by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I'm expecting my first child!!! My husband is beyond thrilled. My African American lover is pretty excited too. Should I wait until delivery to find out who's grandmother to name the baby after?

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Joseph: Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, First off, congratulations on becoming a Drama Momma as our country certainly doesn’t have enough of those nowadays! Now as for the name of your ticket onto the Maury Show, I personally think it’s very progressive of you to consider both of their Grandmother’s equally and not only should you wait until you birth this bundle of someone’s joy, but you should also start taking bets as well. 
This way BOTH fathers will feel that have a chance to not only win over your womb but also cash to pay for the baby he just won as well.  If there is one thing that can bring Black and White together it’s the color of Money.  Plus all women of grandmother age love to piss their social security away on random acts of gambling so I’m sure either one, if still alive, will be pleased with this approach to your dilemma.  Just as a suggestion, if you can find a way to reveal the paternity of the father in a method similar to a Scratch Off Instant Lottery Ticket, even better! The old ladies will lose their minds…if they already hadn’t via dementia or Alzheimer’s.  By the way, you may want to contact MTV as this is exactly the kind of pitch for a show that they are fond of…also, try having the baby in a NJ tanning salon and you are golden sister! 
You’re Welcome!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

O-BAM-A- CARE by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: "If restaurant employees must wash their hands before returning to work how come you never see that sign at the doctor's office?"

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Joseph: Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, Glad You asked! It’s all a matter of the fact that Doctors wear gloves. You see, this is a matter that’s at the very core of the fight for Obamacare.  Once Doctors take off their gloves they shouldn’t be held legally accountable for any “accidental” malpractice suits because technically it wasn’t them touching you it was the gloves and once the gloves are off – they are off! People sue, lawyers tie up the court system and this costs the average Tax payer a lot of money on top of already paying for people without insurance getting mistreated for ailments they didn’t pay in advance for…its all very technical, but Obamacare simplifies it with a tax called Obamacare that forces tax payers to buy insurance or face a fine, thus having you already pay for the malpractice suit. Then the employees who serve you food and don’t wash their hands get you sick, then the cycle repeats itself. The other reason could be that Doctors don’t serve you food, but that makes way too much sense.
 You’re Welcome

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

KISSIN' COUSINS by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: "How come you can use a potato peeler on carrots but you can't date your first cousin?"

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Joseph: Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, I agree.  Not being able to date your cousin above the Mason Dixon Line makes absolutely no sense what so ever! If it’s good enough for the Appalachian population it’s good enough for city folk like you and me.  And let’s be honest people – we’ve all been at that family reunion and had a first cousin that was just bangin, right? I mean, bangin. And it’s not like you’re a pervert or anything because you’re trying to do the right thing and date her first.  You are not only being a decent suitor, but at the same time you’re looking out for your cousin’s well being. It just makes not a lick of sense why it ain’t approved of though…it’s fine by me as long as you’re cousin ain’t a boy too. On the other hand, people who use potato peelers on carrots are clearly morons because it says potato right in the name, duh. 

You’re Welcome

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

WINE & COKE DIET by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just read an article that red wine can help you lose weight. Apparently it interferes in the fat cell growth. It says the more you drink, the more you could lose. Heroin also helps to lose weight. Should I combine the 2 and speed up the process?

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JOSEPH CONKLIN: Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, Your first mistake was reading an article. Who reads articles anymore - Seriously, have you never heard of Youtube?? Your Second mistake is that its Zinfandel out of a box, not Red Wine that has an effect on lazy weight.  And for the record, it doesn’t actually have any effect on the growth of a Fat Cell as much as it gets the cell drunk and thinking it looks better than it actually does. Heroin on the other hand has a much different effect on fat cells; giving them dope will just make your cells write really really great music…but only as long as they are not compromised by any vaginal cells who will without doubt talk them out of their habit and then next thing you know your fat cells will be doing Burger King commercials, which is exactly the kind of thing that got you in this situation in the first place. Now, combining Zinfandel and Heroin is only going to cause your fat cells to die tragically at the age of 27 and to be honest, that’s getting really old ya know? Crystal Meth is a way more proven solution in a situation such as yours in which there seems to be no reasonably available approach to getting your fat cells off the couch such as employment or outside the trailer activities.  Zinfandel and Crystal Meth is your only way to lose weight and not miss the daytime talk shows, plus I’m sure it will also end up being way more socially acceptable in your mobile neighborhood – where red wine swilling heroin based hipsters are never welcome.   
You’re Welcome tho…

Monday, May 21, 2012

DOCTOR'S VISIT by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I recently had a complete check-up at the Dr’s office as I was having problems that I wanted checked out. They found nothing wrong with me at all. Do you think I should go back and complain? I mean I spent a lot of money on x-rays and all so you'd think they could come up with something... right?

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JOSEPH CONKLIN:  Dear Stupid Ass Questioner:  Physically going back to your Doctor’s office and complaining about what I believe to be very valid concerns is an outdated and highly ineffective approach to the matter.  In order to complain about something in the year 2012 you can do one of two acceptable things, the first being to create a fake facebook and/or Twitter account in your Doctors name and then proceed to use clever MeMes mocking his/her personal choices in life and post them up for everyone on the social network to see, thus creating an online environment that tears at the credibility of their real world accomplishments.  Also, send as many Farmville requests to said Doctors friends as humanly possible.  Your Doctor will give in to your online bullying and find something terribly wrong with you in order to regain social acceptance online or they will be driven to jump off a bridge, in which case the Media will then step in and fulfill your wish for you as they are masters at finding hypothetical wrongs in everyone. 
Now, the second approach you can take to this situation is to simply set up a tent outside your Doctors office and bang on a drum all day for weeks until they stop ignoring your cause and give you exactly what you never managed to earn on your own – something wrong with you. Good Luck on Modernizing your insecurities…oh and if you get to choose your ailment, pick Hypochondria…it’s hip. 
You're Welcome. 

Friday, May 18, 2012

PIZZA.... by Ben Sang

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I received an email from Papa John’s Pizza stating that they would deliver pizza to my door. I called up and ordered a large pizza with soda and wings. When I gave them my address they said they don’t deliver in my area. Could I sue them for false advertisement? I’ll settle outta court if they give me pizza for life. Hey should I call them back and tell them that?

Ben: I am actually writing the answer to your question, as I wait for my free Papa John’s Rewards Pizza and Cinnapie. Yes, I am a frequent customer and have no regard for my health.  That being said, I understand your disappointment in not being able to get your Papa John’s fix.  However, I doubt you have a case.  What kind of damages are you going to claim?  The extra minute it took you to call Domino’s?  Also, I don’t recommend calling them back to complain…unless you want some extra ‘creamy dipping’ sauce for your extra ‘crusty’ crust.  If you really want a Papa John’s pizza, get your big lazy arse in your car to get some or move out of your po-dunk neighborhood.  Anyways, my pizza just got here!  Mmmmm…free pizza and dessert…

Thursday, May 17, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just learned that our president is going to start taking half my money and sharing it with others like those who slack off. Would it be wrong of me if I stopped working and let others share their money with me? I figure why work so hard if someone else can do it.

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Ben: From your mouth to Robin Hood’s…errr…I mean Obama’s ears.  Why work hard to increase your wealth, when you can just beggar thy neighbor and take their money?  However, there is a major fallacy in this logic.  When the government takes/taxes your income, most of it actually never makes it to the poor.  Some of the taxes are used to pay for the air travel, security, TV airtime, congressional salaries, etc. it costs to campaign for/against the new tax legislation.  Let’s also not forget about the new tax breaks that are handed out to supporters of the political winners.  Then, there is also the cost of the administration of the new tax funds.  Thus, there’s nothing wrong with quitting your job, but be ready to downsize your home to a Maytag box and start looking for choice garbage cans for your next meal.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My car broke down last week and I can’t afford to buy a new one. I use it for everything most importantly, I live in it. I see benefits being held to help people in need. I’m in need so do you think I could hold a benefit that will benefit me? I could say it’s to raise money for the homeless. It’s kind of true.

Ben: And where would you get the funds to host a benefit?  It takes money to beg for money, my friend.  Clearly, life has kicked you to the curb, literally and figuratively.  Thus, I’m assuming you don’t have the funds nor the credit to reserve banquet hall space, to buy television air time, or even to purchase a phone to answer calls for donations.  Begging is like any other job.  You need to start from the bottom and work your way up.  I suggest you start with pan handling on the subway and eventually promote yourself to giving hand jobs in dark allies.  With a little hard work, you’ll move into that refrigerator box you’ve always wanted. Then, after you’ve treated your new carpel tunnel condition, you should have enough to host that benefit to buy a new car.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: A few weeks ago I joined weight watchers to lose a few extra lbs, but find I’m gaining. They say eating eggs is good so everyday I eat 3 eggs for breakfast and 1 for a bedtime snack. This week when I went to get weighed I had gained another 5lbs. Do you think I should switch from the chocolate Cadbury egg to the Carmel?  

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Ben: Obesity is a real problem in America. Some blame it on an increasingly sedentary lifestyle and others blame it on unhealthy eating habits (i.e. fast foods, gluten, white rice, white bread, and other non-tree hugging foods, etc.).  However, in your case, your ‘fat ass-edness’ is caused by your ‘Stupid Ass-edness’.  Natural selection IS a beautiful thing.  Sometimes in order to thin the herd, you have to fatten them up first. Now if only we could require an IQ test before dispensing Lipitor, we can help speed up the process.  That being said, my advice is to double your intake of Cadbury eggs and go with BOTH the chocolate and caramel eggs (or ‘Carmel’ as you put it).  Keep on this regimen until you start feeling sudden acute chest pains.  Then, just follow the light…

Monday, May 14, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: While in my back yard the other day I noticed that the wheels of my wheelchair made interesting circles. Very similar to those that look like crop circles. Do you think I could create a crop circle in my yard and charge admission to see it? I mean who would suspect a wheelchair bound person to fake a crop circle and I’m English.

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Benson: Way to take advantage of your unfortunate circumstances!  Not only are you wheelchair stricken, but you’re an Englishman, as well.  Despite your undoubtedly crooked teeth and taste for bland food and chubby women, you have decided to embrace the most American of vices - Capitalism.  As your neighbor from ‘across the pond’, I applaud your attempt at bamboozling those even dumber than yourself.  After all, that is how wealth, and the banking system was created in ‘The Colonies’.  So by all means, do keep travelling in those ‘Stupid Ass’ crop circles and feel free to charge admission to those more ‘Stupid Assed’ than yourself.  

Friday, May 11, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recent survey’s insist that Obamacare isn't the only thing that concerns seniors. Many want to know the long-term affects of ingesting Polygrip... like does it enable you to have a more cohesive relationship with your budgie? 

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Alexandra: Polygrip is a compound high in protein, so I can see why it  interests seniors. It's also more palatable for consumption than cat food HOWEVER, don't be silly. Seniors ingesting Polygrip will never result in a more cohesive relationship with their budgie. Every ornithologist knows it's the budgie that needs to ingest the Polygrip.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: If a tree falls in the forest... and no one is there to hear... is the price of tea in China relevant?

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Alexandra: The price of tea in China is ALWAYS relevant. Why people have been saying that for the past one hundred years. And all leading economists know that the price of tea in China is now holding steady at 11,000 yen.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

FOOD FOR THOUGHT by Alexandra Rosas

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Hello there! A very close friend who has hit on hard times, and now at age 52 has to apply for food stamps and welfare, has been procrastinating now for a week, and has not bathed or shaved due to his shame. Question: Do I tell them: Pick yourself up, wash, and shave. OR Do I tell them to "work the disheveled look?"

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Alexandra: You say this is your very close friend?? Sorry about all the double question marks, but "work the disheveled look?"  Work the disheveled look has never worked for anybody. Are you sure you don't want to keep your friend in this financially needy state? I think you like him in these hard times. Maybe he's more available to you now. Maybe he's more humble. Somehow you are getting some kind of needs met by his current state if  you're even thinking of suggesting he keep the Nick Nolte mug shot look. With advice like this, who needs enemies. Tell him to not listen to you. Obviously, his best interest is not on your agenda. You want him to keep looking like District 12 for your own sick need of company. Let him shower up and power suit up and find his life again. As for you, get busy volunteering at a homeless shelter. Plenty of potential friends there for you that are just "your type."

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

WHAT'S IN A NAME? by Alexandra Rosas

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: A friend of mine, who doesn't want to loose his benefits, wants to finally pursue his long abandoned dream to be a Drag Star and appear on RuPaul's "Drag Race" appearing on the LOGo ChAnnEl...I told him: "Most Drag Queens work off the books, so it's a good career move." He thinks his drag name should reflect his personality. Question: Should he spell his new drag name: Ima Lotta Wurk, or Alotta Werq?

Alexandra: If I close my eyes to decide what sounds better for your friend's new Drag Queen name, I'd have to say Alotta conjures up a more sensual presence. Lotta sounds like she's/he's a lotta something. Alotta, on the other hand, sounds kind of mail order brideish. I like it. 

Monday, May 7, 2012

SKINNY WEINER by Alexandra Rosas

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I recently took my dachsund, Pete Ragú, to The Vet for a checkup, and he said that little Pete was overweight & needed to go on a diet.  Only 4 pounds, but that is 18% of his total weight. Having this dog has been my every thought since.  I bought special diet food, no more treats before dinner, and, there has been lots of exercise instead of watching his favorite show "The Dog Whisperer" Do you think it's possible to give a dog an eating disorder?

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Alexandra: Pete's Owner: Reading a question like this brings out the Wisconsin in me. Which is to say, I have to echo your question back before I can answer it. Can you give your dog an eating disorder? Well, Little Pete's owner, it's my thought that you can't, air quotes give your dog an eating disorder, but you are in charge of his environment. I mean, he's not opening up the doggie snack cabinet on his own, right? Yes, you are responsible for his 18 percent overweightness and his lack of exercise. You've started on the right track: special diet food, no treats before dinner, and exercise. Dogs are smaller than people, the weight will come off slowly. Picture Little Pete as a 300 pound man who has to lose 60 pounds. No small feat. But I can feel your love for this soon to be doggie that will live up to his name, and you and Little Pete will do all right. 

Friday, May 4, 2012

MILK, IT DOES A BODY GOOD! by Kenny Colgin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I read that due to all the hormones in milk, children are developing breasts at a much younger age. My breasts are pretty small so do you think if I drank a gallon or two a day that my breasts would go from an A cup to a C?

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Kenny: Holy Victoria's Secret!!!! You actually read my article on milk, hormones,and breast size??!!! Golly, you've got to be one of the first.I've spent the last 5 years of my life engaged in that study. It's been a lot of work. Lots of lab testing and tons of, "hands on", research if you take my meaning. Anyway, thanks for reading my paper but I feel your excitement over the possibility of increased cup size caused you to miss some of the finer points of the paper. Yeah, I'm afraid there are some side effects. Let me explain. While it is most assuredly true that breast size can be increased with ingestion of mass quantities of milk (here at the lab we jokingly refer to that as, empty the jugs to fill the other ones), there is one oddity to the application. In order for the milk to be effective you have to drink it while standing on your head. It's a gravity thing. The problem is it doesn't work the same for all. It appears that some gals breast cavities don't absorb the enlarging hormones and it all goes straight to their heads! We were never able to determine which gals were predisposed to enjoy the benefits of the process. So you have to decide before you start your milk imbibing regimen, do I want to risk having my coveted C cup vs. walking around the rest of my life with a head that looks like a, BIG OLD, MILK DUD? Therein lies the rub. Good luck and I hope it all works out for the best. In closing, If you know anyone who might be interested, we're conducting a new study on the effects of men and the ingestion of mass quantities of italian sausage. Wait til you read the side effects from this one!!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

WAHHHHHHHHHHH! by Kenny Colgin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: When I babysit my sisters baby I find the things my sister does with him aren't right. Like, feeding him when he cries. Would it be ok if I let him cry for an hour before I feed him? I dont want him to grow up thinking that crying equates to food.

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Kenny: Man, this reminds me exactly how my two sisters behaved when the first one had her baby and the other one would babysit. Pffft, please tell me you aren't like those two were and are angry you couldn't be the, "first baby factory ", between the two of you. Seriously, if you're all bent out of shape because,"she's 13 and I'm 14, and, blah, blah, blah,". Well, the important focus right now is the nourishment and nurture of this aforementioned child. Listen, these babies aren't born with, THE ABILITY TO SPEAK! Crying is really all they've got. That's how they communicate. WAH!!!!, (I need to eat), WAH (Oops, I just pooped) WAH (Turn it to Nickleodeon), catch my drift? Settle down, you'll be fine, as will the child. Presuming you don't extend the intervals between feedings. Ending on a Happy Meal note though. Crying most certainly does equate with food. Wait til you start running around with this, food inhaling monster, yeah, if that child don't get food you better believe there will be crying! God, that's all these kids want to do is eat! They'll started eating the roof off the house! And on and on it goes. Enjoy the next 18 years.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Dear Stupid As Questions: My computer desk is right in front of my bay window & I can see everything my neighbors are doing. Yesterday I saw one of my neighbors throw trash on the ground. So I called the police. That night I saw another neighbor key someones car. Again, called the police. I think I might be onto something here. Should I offer my services to the police? Oh and what should I charge them. I'll need to charge something cuz I'll need to buy different disguises.

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Kenny: Now here's a question that both intrigued and at the same time scared me a little. There are lots of legal ramifications to this bad boy. So I hope you don't mind but I got our specialized, legal team (The Three Wise Men), involved in this one. Truth to tell, we only have one lawyer on staff but I promise you his brain is as big as a planet so it's like having three attorneys at once. Anyway, you do have options, and here are a few that I'm certain will work. First off, lose the calling the cops all the time practice. You never want to be to chummy with those folks, my lord, you may want to commit some type of crime yourself one day. Yeah, familiarity on that level could lead to your speedy arrest and incarceration! The thing you want to accomplish here is,,,,, not have these hooligan neighbors of yours one day turn their attentions to you. First, make them think you're crazy. This is a cheap one to pull off too. Before you leave your home pour a glass of tap water in your lap and then stroll on out into the yard when you know they'll see you. Strike up a conversation if possible. Next, pick yourself up an, Eleanor Roosevelt mask, and wear that around while gardening, etc. That'll scare 'em. Eleanor scared everybody. ICCKKK,,,,,OK? Make them think your nuts and scare 'em. I promise, they'll think twice about messing with, "that kook across the street". Works every time. Should you need acting, legal counsel however,, just give us a call. The Three Wise Men are always at hand.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was watching a movie in which a man turned into a wolf when a full moon was in the sky. He then roamed about looking for an unsuspecting person walking around alone. If I go out should I use a wheelchair?

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Kenny: Well now, there's a question we can certainly sink our teeth into. I mean, "relax, relax, you've come to the right place". We do occassionally get questions of this nature and are fortunate to have a crack team of experts at our disposal for these chance queries. I spoke first with my friend, The Boogie Man(he plays a mean sax down at the Spooky Oboe), and he referred me to Count Smirnof. Which was a total waste of time since he sleeps all day and he's never home at night. So I then went to the authority of authorities on these monster/walking dead/dismemberment issues. Yep, I ran straight home to my Mummy! She informs me that using the wheel chair or any other walking device will make no difference to the monster or his appetite. She also reported that the ONLY thing that will keep the beasts at bay is ,,, get this, if they have braces on their teeth! Apparently these animals don't like getting entrails and the like stuck in their expensive dental work. Who'd of guessed? The best way to remain safe on a full moon is to stay inside and for heaven's sake stop watching those ghastly films. Try some Bugs Bunny or perhaps a Streisand flick. Even with that being said I'd still keep the doors and windows locked, wear some garlic, and of course look under your bed before you climb in it! Hope that helped and dismember, 'er I mean remember you can call us anytime you're frightened. You big 'fraidy cat, neener, neener, neener...