Friday, November 15, 2013
UNCIVIL SERVICE... by Dan Burt
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Dan, I recently took the civil service exam to become a postal carrier. I passed and have been delivering mail for about a month now. Almost every day someone says to me, " How's the weather outside?" I usual say, “Hot, cold, rainy or overcast with a chance of rain. They always seem to appreciate it because at christmas time I get gifts in the mail. Should I quit my job and become a weatherman? I make a lot of money especially during the holiday season.
DAN: I don't remember who said it, but a wise person once told me "as you think, so you are." If you think you can be a weatherman, then by gosh, go for it! But one word of advice: keep your day job. Civil service is a sweet deal for people with mediocre skills. I'm not saying you have mediocre skills, but you did admit to being a postal carrier. The good news is you can do both! I've watched local news. The weather only takes five minutes, ten minutes tops if it's storming. Adjust your delivery route, making the news station that hires you the last stop. While the anchors talk about the latest celebrity haircut, deliver the last of the mail to the mailroom, change into weatherman clothes, and get ready for show time! (don't overdo the jazz hands). I know well-behaved weather can be boring, so it's up to you to make it interesting. I suggest adding a sidekick(s). People like cute animals and I'm sure you see plenty of them while delivering the mail. Keep an eye out for a charismatic critter that you can kidnap and use to draw an audience. If you ask me (and I think you did), I'd say take a lesson from Bob Ross
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98yVU8w0tyc) and get a squirrel. Bob Ross was an unknown starving artist until he started painting in the company of squirrels. People would tune into his program every week, watching the playful scamps poke their head out of Bob's bushy hair every few seconds, then suddenly retreat back to the safety of his scalp. All the while, Bob would continue painting, talking about happy little trees and acting like it wasn't unusual to have a fro full of squirrels.
If you can't grow a fro, a wig would be a wise investment.