Friday, November 29, 2013
FUNCTIONALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL by Rose A. Valenta
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, My family is dysfunctional. I usually have to keep sharp instruments away from them when we all eat dinner together at my house. Is it okay if I sprinkle a little Prozac in the Thanksgiving stuffing this year?
Rose: OMG! Between that and the tryptophan in the turkey and amino acids in all the side dishes, your dinner guests will evolve from having to avoid the “No Hazmat” lane driving to your house for dinner to having to stay overnight. Zombies? My dear, it will kill you! Trust me, your demeanor and brains will be on the serving dish. No, a better idea is to instigate a knock-down drag-out fight that overflows onto your patio. Turn them into a pack of ravenous flesh-eaters that remember everything anyone ever said about them or did to them for the last 40 years. They had to give my Aunt Clara distemper shot after one of those Hatfield/McCoy dinners at Aunt Thelma’s house once. Thelma caught Aunt Clara in the master bathroom taking pictures with her cell phone of everything in the linen closet and medicine cabinet, so Clara bit her. Apparently, Thelma went over to Clara’s house the month before and did the same thing. Thelma posted a picture of one of Clara’s dry-rotted diaphragms (circa 1975) that she found in the back of the closet and posted it on Pinterest with a caption “Sculpture by Clara Tawes after Andy Warhol.” Boy was Clara mad! So, she tried to even the score.
Of course, in order to successfully pull this off, you will have to hide all your breakable valuables, but look at the bright side, they will all obligingly leave early and your family will have more left-overs to nibble on during the night and you won’t have to go to your neighbor’s house to steal food.