Tuesday, November 12, 2013

CRY BABY by Dan Burt

Dear Stupid Ass Questions,  I'm babysitting and the baby keeps crying. Would it be a bad thing if I put the dogs bark collar on the baby?

Size DOES matter so click picture to enlarge

DAN: There is only one word to describe your solution of placing a bark collar on a crying baby--genius! Your innovation and creativity are the only reasons I maintain faith in the future of the human race. The good thing about babies is that most of them are fast learners. The bark collar will help them quickly focus on effectively shutting their cry hole.
Though only a minor concern, you may want to consider (briefly) why the baby is crying. Based on my experience, here is a handy list of causes to look for:

1. The baby is hungry. Remedy: feed the baby lots and lots of pudding (alternative: feed the baby lots and lots of mac and cheese).

2. The baby is in pain. Look for these signs:
-thorn in the baby's paw
-claw marks from a jealous pet
-singed tongue from licking electrical outlets
-one or more mousetraps snapped shut on one or more appendages
-burnt baby hands from touching the stove you forgot to turn off after making pudding and/or mac and cheese

3. The baby is sick and spewing pudding. Check to see if the baby has a fever. To do this, put on oven mitts and place the baby in a tub of water. If the water boils, remove the baby before poaching occurs.
Note: In cases where the baby will not shut up because of pain and/or sickness, and there is no sound-proof closet available, it is acceptable as a last resort to seek medical help (a small-animal veterinarian or local zookeeper are viable options).

4. The baby is a brat (the reason for 95% of crying baby cases). Remedy: time to strap on the bark collar. For slow learners, loudly play the soundtrack to my musical "Dingo Serenade" (contact me for special offers on the soundtrack and/or permission to perform the play "Dingo Serenade" at your local community theater).

Remember, the children are our future. Teach them well with bark collars so the next generation doesn't grow up to be a bunch of crybabies.

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