Thursday, November 14, 2013
SHOUT OUT by Dan Burt
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Dan, I don’t have a computer so I don’t have followers but I don’t want to be out of the loop. Would it be the same if I purchased a megaphone and every so often shout out what I’m doing? I could yell out stuff like, “Taking a crap, Just had coffee with cream and sugar at Starbucks, or Having affair with my neighbors wife”. Ya know, stuff like that.
DAN: The megaphone is one of the earliest tools in history used for social media. Many showmen, entrepreneurs, and prophets such as P.T. Barnum, Henry Ford, and Charles Manson got their start using this simple, but effective instrument. Nowadays, megaphones are mostly used for shouting instructions to the panicked masses after disasters, warning crowds about impending calamities, or asking people to come out with their hands up. But using a megaphone to draw attention and followers instead of a computer is a brave, retro move that places you in good company among the most beloved citizens of modern society--the hipsters.
If you want to attract a lot of sycophantic followers, I recommend yelling stuff that's a bit more entertaining (though the salacious information about your affair with the neighbor's wife may pique some interest, especially from your neighbor). Here's some things you could shout:
-I frightened off one of the woolly mammoths that keeps ransacking my vegetable patch.
-Pink just arrived at my cabin for the video shoot tomorrow at the lake.
-I'm in trouble, y'all! My lucrative business may lose its non-profit status if I don't get rid of all this money. Can you help a brother, out?
The key to public yelling to build a following is to be entertaining and interesting and not let the truth (or the cops) distract you. So grab your horn and claim your corn(-er).