Friday, February 17, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was wondering, if people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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MARV: That's actually a good question, as it stumped even me! So I contacted my friend Dick Johnson at the Museum of World History that no one gives a rat's a$$ about. It's in Peroria. Look it up. Dick caught me up to speed on the "Dutch Riots of 1684". You see, he explained (as I turned my tape recorder on and fell asleep on the john) that at one time there WAS an attempt to call people from Holland "Holes". The problem was the old Dutch story of the little Dutch boy that stuck his thumb in a hole and saved his town. So when foreigners yelled out "HOLES!", the men of Holland went NUTS and began plugging any worrisome hole they could find! Now remember, this was in the days before bi-focals, and many men with poor eyesight began plugging some holes they shoulda stayed away from! Though some close, personal relationships were formed, the overall widespread violence led to a world wide referendum vowing to NEVER call them "Holes" again!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

MOB MONEY by Marv Ellis

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MARV: Now THAT is a stupid ass question! My God-- charge it then claim bankruptcy!? They'll reposess the piano AND your credit score will suck! But you're on the right track! Here's what you REALLY should do: Borrow the money for the piano from the mob! Ya know, your friendly neighborhood loan shark! Don't tell him what it's for (so he won't know what to repose) and then don't pay HIM back! I've found they only report to Transperian anyway (like anyone listens to them!) so your credit score won't be effected. Of course, when you don't repay him, he's going to come over and break your fingers-- meaning you'll save all that money on those pesky piano lessons too!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


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MARV:  I’m thinking YES!! You should stop!! See, there’s two types of people, those that see the glass half empty, and those that see the glass half full. With all those Dis’s and De’s, I peg you as a glass half empty kinda guy. You should, in turn, switch to the more positive, glass half full pre-whatcha-ma-jigger “RE”. Like when I got divorced, I didn’t become a “DE-vorcee”, I became a “RE-Bachelor”! I had a Re-Bachelor party, got a Re-Bachelor pad, and RE-discovered the casual encounters section of Are you feeling the happiness? I RE-turned the wardrobe my ex-wife bought me out of the “Make My Husband Look as Gay and Unattractive to Other Women as Possible” catalogue and RE-claimed my manhood. As I no longer had a control freak monitoring my diet, I got to Re-eat things I enjoy, like Pop Tarts, and um, became Re-Tarted. I became RE-aquainted with sports, smokes, and alcohol, making me a RE-drunken douche bag. K, that was a stretch.
All and all my friend— I hope my words of wisdom have lifted you out of your dreary life and into a new realm of possibilities of positivity! Or is it “Re-positivity”?? Am I right? Am I right?

Monday, February 13, 2012


Dear StupidAssQuestions: I just went for my yearly pap smear and was in such a rush to get back to work that I left wearing the paper gown. Do you think if I put a belt around it anyone will notice?
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MARV:  No one ever notices when I wear mine, but I am a resident at my local mental health facility. Have been for a while now. It's nice in here. I have lots of friends-- even a few that other people can see too. We have applesauce hour every day at 3 pm, followed with arts and crafts. That's mostly just finger painting seeing as we're not allowed anything sharp to paint with. I like paint, it tastes good! Wish they still had the lead based kind-- it had a sweet after-taste to it. Guess I can mix it with my applesauce!! I'm always thinking! We play lots of games in here like "What kind of shoes would I be wearing if I were allowed to wear shoes?" and "What did your daddy's biker gang do to you?" and "Tic-tac,toe with paint" cuz we're not allowed anything sharp to write with. We're not allowed anything sharp at all really, just those sporks you get at KFC. The prongs aren't long enough to cause any serious injuries they tell us. 
So gosh! You get to wear a belt!?!?!? Oh how I envy you!

Friday, February 10, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I really like pizzelle cookies so much so that I looked for the machine to make them at home. Unfortunately, it is too expensive. I did notice however that they call it an iron.  So do you think I could just iron an eggo waffle… they kind of look the same?
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SEAN: For sure, I see no reason why not. Pretending to make rational choices is fun. Also If you're looking to see a major concert like the Rolling Stones this summer may i suggest heading down to your local bar and just throwing a few dollars in the jute box then hold your lighter at bay and start screaming "BROWN SUGAR" over and over until the (or the county mental health board) forces you to leave. Another great suggestion would be if you've always wanted to drive a BMW but don't have the funds. To make this dream materialize I suggest you approach a gang member at night in the seediest part of the city and ask to purchase the good ornaments they're sporting around their neck. In order to cross the language barrier you might want to use terms such as cronic, hip-hop or third time offender. Finally only approach gang members with teardrops tattooed to their faces. This ensures you have picked out not only a member of a nationally known crime organization but also a certified murderer.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

SCRABBLE by Sean Cirone

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: When I play scrabble I just make up words but crazy as it sounds, I keep winning! Do you think I should write a dictionary?

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SEAN: Yes indeed, the English language can always use some more words. Also you could even start inventing some new letters to go with your new dictionary while you're at it. May I suggest a well placed trapezoid with a feather symbol or maybe an octagon somehow interviewed with a Matchbox race car track. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why do people say Hold On, when they are talking on the phone? Hold on to what?
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Sean: This term dates back to the early prohibition era. A lot of times while a local grocer or merchant was being beaten down for failing to pay a street tax Al Capone being not only a workaholic but also a perfectionist would often remark "Hold on, he still has some teeth left." prompting his henchmen to step up their game and finish the tax evaders dental plan off by bashing him repeatedly in the face with a ten pound rotary dial phone. Rumors of this practice soon started to circulate and were soon embraced by the general public. Ike Turner was a long time advocate of this saying.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

FREE STUFF by Sean Cirone

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I can’t pass up anything that is free. Recently, a friend gave me her Marijuana stash as she decided not to do drugs anymore. Personally I am against drugs but I hate to just throw it out. It seems so wasteful. Should I smoke it to get rid of it? I mean it was free so…
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Sean: Get rid of it immediately! Enclosed is my mailing address. 

Monday, February 6, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friend and I are always doing things at the same time. We seem so very in sync. We jokingly refer to ourselves as twins separated at birth even though we are many years apart in age. Lately I’ve started to wonder though if we really are. Should I start looking around my house for adoption papers? We both have brown hair.

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Sean: If  I were placed in your predicament I can only see myself making one decision. I would invite my other half to a state park and push them off of the highest cliff I could find. Then if we were truly twins I could utilize the psychic powers the psychic powers that bond us together and levitate him to a safe landing.

Friday, February 3, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  My best friend just gave her 7 year old daughter a gift certificate for liposuction for her birthday. My daughters 7th birthday is coming up and I want to get her something comparable. Would labeoplasty be appropriate?

Diane: It’s not only appropriate, it’s a definite must-do if you want your little precious to be popular on the playground.  Having her hoo-ha professionally shaped is the perfect way to ensure a nice view for the little boys when she crosses the monkey bars in her mini skirt and Prada pumps.  What’s more, when the kids play “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” she’ll be proud of her offering.  She could even display her new parts at “show and tell” time for a certain A-p.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

WHATS IN A NAME by Diane Kelly

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I just read that some guy from Madison Wisconsin changed his name from Jeffrey Drew to, "Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop". I've never liked mine and would like to do the same. How does Do wop do wop ditty ditty do wop sound? Or should I drop one 

Diane: Hmm, given that “wop” can be taken as a slur on Italians, I’d advise that you drop all “wop” references lest you piss off the mafia and end up with a severed horse’s head in your bed.  What about something from the song “We Go Together” from the final scene in the movie “Grease?” There’s several lines to choose from:
Rama Lama Lama 
Ding a de Dinga a Dong
Shoo bop shoo wadda wadda Yipitty boom de boom
Dip di-dip di-dip Doo-bop a doo-bee doo
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy Boog-e-dy 
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang Shoo-bop
The great thing about choosing from among these options is that nobody will ever forget your name.  Once they hear it, the song – and your new cool name - will be stuck in their head!  
Go, Rydell High!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

DIRTY DIAPERS by Diane Kelly

Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I have to watch my sister’s baby while she and her husband spend a night away. I can’t stand changing baby diapers so could I just throw a new one on over the old when she needs changing?

Diane: What a perfect idea!  Just be sure that you have boxes of progressively bigger sizes to accommodate the growing bulk.  You’ll have to switch to adult-size diapers once you’ve got several layers in place.  If the baby is particularly productive, you’ll need something even bigger than adult diapers.  Might I suggest a garbage bag filled with cotton balls or Styrofoam peanuts?