Monday, April 30, 2012

DIETS, DIETS, DIETS by Kenny Colgin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I read that to lose weight you should eat 6 small meals a day. I would like to lose faster so should I double my efforts and eat 12?

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Kenny: Excellent question and with so many kooks running around passing out diet advice it's encouraging to see you've done a little research and have come to us. Believe me, I've done ALL of the diets out there. The Atkins, Weight Watchers, I even bought Kevorkian's book on the subject but never got past the intro thankfully. Now listen, it's not the number of meals or frequency that matters when it comes to quick, transformative weight loss. No, it is the amount of exercise. Before you go, "ughhh, not this again", hear me out. If you exercise all the time you can eat all the time. For instance, at a baseball game, commit yourself to doing the wave for all nine innings. Hotdogs, nachos and cheese, your favorite beverage aren't out of bounds. Riding your bike, well, try a double dip ice cream cone as you pedal. Raquetball, I hear tell Campbell's has come up with a new pizza in a cup designed specifically for this activity. See what I mean? Exercise and food. All at once! What could be better I ask you? Feel free to throw your two cents in on the subject. How else can you expect change?

Friday, April 27, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love the new social network, Pinterest. All the pictures of beautiful homes and furnishings…. Makes me want to burn my house down for the insurance money and……. Never mind.

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Dear Future Arson,
I say. “Go for it!” Burn the house down! Who cares? What’s the worst that can happen, you burn it down, the insurance company catches you and you go to jail for ten years??? Either way you’ll either have a new house to decorate or a bare jail cell that’s just screaming for some pretty gingham print curtains and a fancy cashmere throw rug. 
P.S. Use premium grade gasoline when you do it (it burns faster).

Thursday, April 26, 2012

A SIGN FROM JESUS by Jen Remauro

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was going to call a friend of mine and just as I picked up the phone a bag of chips fell off my counter on their own. I took this as a sign from Jesus that I needed to eat them. So, I ate the whole bag. I never got around to calling my friend and now she’s mad at me for not calling. Should I tell her Jesus called me instead and that I was tied up eating his holy chips? Maybe I should say they were holy wafers… she’s catholic so maybe she’ll believe that.

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Dear Chip Eating Jesus Lover,
I didn’t even know people called each other anymore!! What happened to texting? Are you and your friend trying to keep it retro? WOW! With that being said, you’re friend sounds like a real needy jerk. She’s mad because you forgot to call her back? So what! Tell her to get over it and to find a hobby that doesn’t consist of her sitting by the phone, waiting for you to call. It’s people like your “friend” that make me dislike the Catholic Church.
P.S. I don’t think Jesus would have knocked over a bag of chips because he wanted you to eat them. I hear Jesus is very much into healthy eating now due to the obesity issues facing our country. If an apple fell off your counter I would MAYBE think it was Jesus but since it was chips, I think it was probably just Patrick Swayze practicing to move things with his mind from the “other side.”

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: When I hold my baby she drools all over my clothes and sometimes she’ll throw up without warning. I’m really getting tired of washing my clothes and I don’t find bibs sufficient. Would putting a bag over her head when I hold her work or would it be safer for me to cut a hole in a garbage bag and wear it as a makeshift poncho?

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Dear Parent of a Drooler,
I don’t suggest putting anything over your baby’s head because she can suffocate and that would be horrible. It’s obvious that what you have here is an extremely selfish baby that has no regard for you or your clothing. If her throwing up on you and her constant drooling is getting out of hand and you find yourself getting more and more frustrated just pack up her stuff and drop her off at a local church or firehouse until she’s old enough to stop being so selfish. By law if you feel like you’ve had it and you may harm your child (or put a bag over their head) you are allowed to drop them off at a church or firehouse with no questions asked. It’s a parenting tool that most parents never know about or utilize. Only good can come out of it. You’ll be able to clear your head and she’ll learn all about God or how to put out a five alarm fire. It’s a win-win situation. If you don’t feel comfortable with that, there’s always adoption.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

INDENTURED by Jen Remauro

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: The other day at the gym my teeth accidentally flew outta my mouth while I was bench pressing a buncha weights. They landed at this young chick’s feet. She looks down and says, “Are THOSE yours”? I lied and said no. Dentures are expensive so do you think I could find new ones at the Salvation Army or should I steal my grandfather’s? He always gets compliments on his smile.

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Dear Toothless in Seattle,
Wait a second! Your grandfather is still alive and you’re wearing dentures already? How old are you? Does bad dental hygiene run in your family? Why do you have fake teeth?! Did you eat a lot of candy as a kid? Did you drink a lot of soda? Were you born without enamel on your teeth? This is too weird. I have so many questions to ask. Let’s do lunch and discuss your teeth problems. Oh wait, you can’t eat, you lost your teeth. Have you checked Ebay? I once bought a prosthetic leg on there so that I could draw a tattoo on it to see how it would look before having it permanently inked on my skin. I beat out an amputee for that leg. You should check it out and see what you can find.

Monday, April 23, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: When I was baby sitting my 3 month old niece today she started making these strange gutural sounds. Almost like she is possessed. I’m a Christian and read this kinda stuff in the Bible all the time. Do you think she’s possessed? Should I perform an exorcism?

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Dear Babysitter of the Year,
First off, why are you speaking Spanish to me? I had to Google “gutural” which is actually spelled “guttural” just to see what you were talking about. I discovered that it means “coming from the throat” in Spanish. Thanks a lot for confusing me and wasting five minutes of my time that I will never get back! Secondly, I have run into this issue before but it hasn’t been with a baby, it’s been with my boyfriend. He makes these oddly loud and questionable sounds while he is asleep. Usually I will flick him in his throat to make him stop but I’m not sure if doing that to a 3 month old baby would be wise. You can try it once and see how it goes. If that doesn’t work just smash up some garlic, mix it with a tablespoon of baby oil, add a pinch of talcum powder and rub it all over your niece’s head until it is absorbed into her scalp. If there are any demons hiding inside her that will be sure to rid her of them while making her smell like an old Italian man at the same time.

Friday, April 13, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I preach the Bible to all my friends, but then go home, drink a quart of vodka, and watch internet porn while my wife is working at one of her 3 jobs. People say I’m a hypocrite, but I think I’m least I tell other’s what’s right, right?

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Eric: Listen, you’re going straight to hell when you die. Especially if you believe in all that mumbo jumbo. Why don’t you just create your own philosophies about life instead of using some manual that was written 2,000 years ago when people were super stupid.

Thursday, April 12, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Question: I have been on the Atkins diet for about 2 months now and have gained 40 pounds. The diet says I can eat all the bacon & cheese I want. I’ve only been doing what I’m told. What do you think the problem is? Do you think I should switch to a different brand of bacon? I’ve been eating 1 lb. of Oscar Meyer a day.... maybe I should find a different brand and switch it up to 2 lbs.

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Eric: Atkins is the least healthiest diet in the world. Put down the bacon and hit the treadmill. Diet and exercise are the only healthy way to lose weight. But since you already gained 40 lbs, I say just keep going and see if you can gain 100 lbs.... just to challenge yourself.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Question: All through school I worked as hard as possible on my grades. It’s my senior year and there is only a few weeks left. I started slacking off and got a 3 out of 100 on a test which now ruins my average so I can’t graduate Valedictorian. Should I hack into the school’s computer system an change my grade higher?

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Eric: Totally! What is this the 90’s? You can still hack into your computer’s school system? I thought you couldn’t do that shit anymore. Listen, do whatever you want to do, existence is meaningless. Nothing matters when you’re dead. And we’re all gonna die one day. So I say live life dangerously. But watch out for the lunch lady. I hear she uses her armpits to press burgers.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

ADOPTED by Eric Andre

Dear Stupid Ass Question: I never knew my grandparents since they died before I was born. Do you think I could ask my friends gramma who I’ve not yet met to adopt me? She buys my friend a lot of stuff and I want stuff too. PS: I’m over 40 and my friends think I’m weird for wanting to ask... is that weird?

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Eric: Listen, you are super weird. It’s ok... just don’t try to make out with your friend’s gramma. That’s a new level of weird you can never return from.

Monday, April 9, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My best friend is having a garage sale and I noticed that a bunch of stuff that I loaned to her is for sale. I feel funny asking for them back because she is trying to make money so she can keep her house. But at the same time I want my stuff back. Should I tell her that I’ll watch the table for her when she gets lunch. Then , put the stuff in my trunk and pay for it or should I call her out on her shady behavior?

Eric: You gonna take that from her? Why are you being so passive? You have to stick up for yourself! YOU ARE THE GENERAL, SHE IS THE ENEMY! TAKE YOUR CRAP AND RUN! Then call the IRS on her about her unreported garage sale income.