Tuesday, November 26, 2013
HOME DEPOT DOES THANKSGIVING by Rose A. Valenta
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, I forgot to un-thaw the turkey for Thanksgiving dinner and we are eating in 4 hours. I was thinking of a blow torch, any other ideas?
Rose: You are in luck! Home Depot is having a one-day-only sale on Cement Circular Saws and blades. You will need all the proper tools to pull this off:
1 cement saw
1 circular cement blade
2 plastic saw horses
1 3’ x 3’ piece of plywood
1 metal stake
1 blow torch
2 Reynolds Oven Roaster bags
Your recipe for stuffing
2 glass casserole pans
1 First-aid kit (just in case)
1 bottle of mighty fine wine
1 coupon for a family size package of pork chops (the other white meat)
Set up the saw horses in your back yard and clamp the plywood to them. Get the frozen turkey and run a stake through its little heart into the plywood, so that it doesn’t feel anything. Drink 8 ounces of wine. Insert the saw blade into the saw. Turn on the saw and cut the thing lengthwise down the center so that you have two open cavities each with a wing and leg. Drink more wine. Hit it with the blow torch – 6 minutes on each side. Stuff both cavities with your filling. Drink more wine. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Put a half-bird in each of the oven roaster bags along with the rest of the wine, if any. Poke three small holes in each bag. Put each bag in a pan and roast in the oven for 2 hours and 30 minutes. Whew!
If all fails, you are too drunk to go to the supermarket for the pork chops, so send a guest. By all means, reuse the turkey stuffing with the chops - don’t drink and drive. Happy Thanksgiving!