Thursday, December 5, 2013
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My children have begun asking me if Santa is real. I don’t like to lie to them but I enjoy the excited look they get on Christmas morning when they see what Santa left them. My husband thinks they are getting of the age where they should be told the truth. He says that 13 and 15 is way to long to keep up the sham. How did you handle telling your children?
Leah: Well, clearly you are home schooling your kids which is way weirder than a 15 year old believing in Santa. Think about prom. But as far as breaking bad news to children goes…I think it’s best to pair it with something more terrible that isn’t true. It makes the truth sting less. “We’ve legally changed your name to Santa. There’s no such thing as Santa. Santa’s dead.”
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Dear Santa, I noticed this year that the government buildings in my area added Kwanza decorations. I celebrate Festivus and was wondering if you think they'd add a Festivus pole as well. They could use a broom handle to save on the cost of a real Festivus pole. AND the best part, NO decorations needed. Thus very cost effective.
Size DOES matter so click picture to enlarge
Joel: You should probably use the advice: Pick and choose your battles. If not having a pole up is the worst of your worries, you're doing just fine. Nothing's stopping you from hanging one in your home. Just don't bother the rest of us with your Festivus comeback!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
I think my husband is cheating on me. We have the Elf on a Shelf watching our kids to find out if they are naughty or nice to report back to Santa. Do you think if I put the elf in our bedroom he would report back to me on my husbands infidelity?
Size DOES matter so click picture to enlarge
Monday, December 2, 2013
Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I bought my cat his christmas presents and would like to display them under the tree. But, I'm afraid he'll open them before it's time. Should I take them to my friends house until Christmas or hid them in the hall closet?
Friday, November 29, 2013
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, My family is dysfunctional. I usually have to keep sharp instruments away from them when we all eat dinner together at my house. Is it okay if I sprinkle a little Prozac in the Thanksgiving stuffing this year?
Rose: OMG! Between that and the tryptophan in the turkey and amino acids in all the side dishes, your dinner guests will evolve from having to avoid the “No Hazmat” lane driving to your house for dinner to having to stay overnight. Zombies? My dear, it will kill you! Trust me, your demeanor and brains will be on the serving dish. No, a better idea is to instigate a knock-down drag-out fight that overflows onto your patio. Turn them into a pack of ravenous flesh-eaters that remember everything anyone ever said about them or did to them for the last 40 years. They had to give my Aunt Clara distemper shot after one of those Hatfield/McCoy dinners at Aunt Thelma’s house once. Thelma caught Aunt Clara in the master bathroom taking pictures with her cell phone of everything in the linen closet and medicine cabinet, so Clara bit her. Apparently, Thelma went over to Clara’s house the month before and did the same thing. Thelma posted a picture of one of Clara’s dry-rotted diaphragms (circa 1975) that she found in the back of the closet and posted it on Pinterest with a caption “Sculpture by Clara Tawes after Andy Warhol.” Boy was Clara mad! So, she tried to even the score.
Of course, in order to successfully pull this off, you will have to hide all your breakable valuables, but look at the bright side, they will all obligingly leave early and your family will have more left-overs to nibble on during the night and you won’t have to go to your neighbor’s house to steal food.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, My best friend asked me for my famous “Secret Sweet Potato Casserole” recipe to serve her guests this Thanksgiving. It’s so delicious & I just know she won’t give me the credit for it. She’s such a selﬁsh bitch like that. What should I do?
Rose: If you are not invited, leave out a crucial ingredient. If you are invited, insist that you make the casserole and bring it with you (also bring a container of dust bunnies to inconspicuously scatter about the house when she isn’t looking). Throughout the meal, entertain her guests with stories about how well liked your recipe is and elaborate on all the exciting dinners that you have shared it with friends. Also, walk into her kitchen behind her back and remove all the self-love post-notes she has on the refrigerator; especially the one that reads “You are so gifted as a hostess, Martha should be jealous.” You know she has that one, the selfish bitch. If she has a powder room near the kitchen, hide all her scented candles and carefully sneak in there and take a dump – don’t flush. Make sure that you put at least one dust bunny at the bottom of her candlesticks.That should get her, the selfish bitch!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Rose, I don’t feel like cooking a turkey this year as it’s too much work. Do you think they would be ok with some double cheeseburgers from McDonalds even though I promised them a gourmet 7 course Thanksgiving meal? I'll get fries for everyone.
Rose: Tacky, tacky, tacky! You simply have to send out for Burger King Turkey Burgers and fries; plus a large container of coleslaw from the deli. Then, kick it up a notch with soup appetizer and awesome sides. Ground beef must absolutely take a back seat to big bird meat on turkey day.
You can accomplish the entire feast effortlessly in Dutch ovens on the range in less than 20 minutes. Each Dutch oven will hold 6 cans. All you need to do is put 2 quarts of water in the pots and place the opened cans in them. Wear thermal gloves to remove the hot cans.
If your in-laws are coming, put caution tape across the entrance to your kitchen and tell them you are getting work done and they must not go in there, as your homeowners/rental liability insurance has expired along with Obamacare. After all, you don’t want to give away your culinary secrets.
In the first Dutch oven, set 5 or 6 (depending on the number of guests) opened cans of your favorite Chunky soup right in the water and bring to a boil. Turn off the burner. Leave the cans in there until you are ready to serve. They will be piping hot.
In the second pot, put 5 cans of your favorite veggies, plus a can of yams for your more traditional guests, who like sweet potatoes with turkey meat. Bring the water to a boil and turn off the burner. Notice, this is an energy saver too.
Open the store bought coleslaw and pour it into a family heirloom serving bowl. Place each of the turkey burgers on a holiday serving dish.
With your best china, pour the soup into the bowls right out of the hot cans.
After that, drain the veggies from the cans and pour them onto heirloom plates. I think you are giving your guests about 14 courses already!