TOILET PAPER ORIGAMI by Elaine Ballace

ELAINE BALLACE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: So when you're in somebody's home and in the restroom and folding the toilet paper into little origami things is that weird? What about the airport? (Look at that little bird. It's such a cute little thing). Please advise.

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Elaine: My advice is DO NOT let anyone know of this great talent, for then they might take advantage of it and you will be spending all of your time in bathrooms.

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CRIMMINAL INTENT by Elaine Ballace

ELAINE BALLACE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I love peanut butter and while shopping recently I noticed that there are so many new kinds. Do you think it would be ok to take a spoon to the store to find out which ones I like best?

Size DOES matter so click picture to enlarge

Elaine: NEVER, EVER BE CAUGHT WITH PROPS IN A STORE, WHILE COMMITTING A CRIME! THAT IS WHY GROCERCY STORES CARRY CELERY...YOU TEST THE PRODUCT & EAT THE EVIDENCE! ENJOY!

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GATEWAY DRUGS by Elaine Ballace

ELAINE BALLACE

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it true that Thursday is actually a safe, gateway drug to Friday? I'm confused, I don't want to do drugs but I really want to do Friday.

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Elaine: "I'M CONFUSED???"  DO YOU SPEAK BLONDE?  NO WORRIES, FOR THURSDAY IS REALLY THE "OVER THE HUMP DAY," SO YOU CAN DO FRIDAY, WITH NO PROBLEM!

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SWEET ADVICE by Elizabeth Church

ELIZABETH CHURCH

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I’m addicted to chocolate. Should I call Dr. Drew? 

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Elizabeth: Well if your level of addiction gets to the point that if you are without chocolate for a day or two, and you find yourself in the fetal position naked with the shakes Then yes I would recommend that you call right away.  Also I’m wondering maybe it’s not the chocolate that you are addicted too, but if it is the aphrodisiac in the chocolate that you are craving? Maybe you are not getting enough ‘special cuddle time? So if you are going to call I recommend Dr. Drew’s loveline.

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BORN IN A MANGER by Elizabeth Church

ELIZABETH CHURCH

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, My mother is always saying to me, "Were you brought up in a barn?" Wouldn't she know?

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Elizabeth: So if you were raised in a barn does this mean that you were born in a manger? This is kind of embarrassing but I have a little crush on you, the whole turning water into whine thing very nice! Ok to answer the second part of your question,  Isn’t it funny when parents are trying to insult you yet they end up awkwardly doing it to themselves  Kind of like when I call my own kids SOB’s I’m joking.

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VACATION by Elizabeth Church

ELIZABETH CHURCH

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I've got one more week until my vacation and I was wondering.... do you think it would be proper to loaf all week and let the younger people do all the work even though they're all not as gifted as I am in the work place?

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Elizabeth: I don’t think trusting anyone to do your work for you is a good idea especially younger less gifted people. They will never measure up to your standards and expectations and you may find your vacation to be a permanent one.

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IT DOES A BODY GOOD by Elizabeth Church

ELIZABETH CHURCH

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I was reading an article in which the person writing said. "I laughed my ass off". Does that really work?

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Elizabeth, Well that would really depend on the size of your ass and the amount of laughing you will be doing. Since laughing actually burns 1.3 calories per minute I suggest hanging out with more comedians. Depending on how funny the person is they could possibly double as a fitness guru?! Laughter does the body good.

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