Friday, December 7, 2012

SCORING WITH THE MOTHER-IN-LAW TO BE by Anthony Solimini

ANTHONY SOLIMINI


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I will be meeting my fiancé’s mother for the first time tonight. She’s in a wheelchair so should I talk real loud and mime my conversation with her so she can understand me? I want to make a good first impression.


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Ahh, a medical question. I like these. First of all she is not in a wheelchair. She is in a disabled transportator. Let’s please be politically correct. And people don’t talk loud. They are just French! And we don’t use the word mime anymore. We use irritating entertainers. Now that that’s cleared up, let me address your question.
She is in a wheelchair, not deaf and not stupid. And she does not want to be treated differently just because she can’t run, walk, dance, hike, sail, play tennis, catch a Frisbee, or other things requiring the use of your legs. NO! Treat her as if she is not in a wheelchair. For example, when  you come to a hill, don’t hold her. Let her roll down at a high speed and crash in to oncoming traffic! This is what she would want and you will look like a real politically correct daughter-in-law! Happy rolling!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

REALITY SHOW MARATHON by Anthony Solimini



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: There is going to be a 2 day marathon of my favorite reality show with no commercial interruptions. I don't want to miss a thing so I moved the TV into the kitchen and brought in a change of clothes.  Do you think it would be crazy of me to buy depends so I don't have to get up to go to the bathroom? A lot could happen while I’d be gone.


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ANTHONY: I can’t believe you would ask this question!!! Are you an American? Do you know our constitution? Do you have the union Jack on your front porch or painted on the hood of your car?
This is ‘Merica… Land of the fat, home of the lazy! We are not like other countries. We are first class couch potatoes with a need for excess in everything we do. For example, last year there was a 5 day marathon of The Golden Girls!!! My wife and I cut a hole in our bed and put garbage  bags in the holes. For three days we didn’t move from the bed! We watched five days straight. We ordered food and had the delivery guy a key so he could come in and drop it off outside the door. Awesome!
So, don’t buy depends. No, my American fired food, McRib eating slob! Put a toilet in the kitchen. I am not even sure why you don’t already have this, but I will leave that for another day! And remember, if its yellow let it mellow. If it’s brown flush it down!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

THY SINS ARE FORGIVEN by Anthony Solimini


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it wrong for me to steal vegetables from the Amish farm up the street? They are really good and I'm sure the Amish won't care... aren't they supposed to be forgiving?

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ANTHONY: I really love this question! Why? Because anytime anyone can take advantage of those hat wearing, bible preaching, no electricity using, horse riding idiots I get a little tear in my eye from excitement!
See, God put these people on earth for a reason! So people who actually have a full set of teeth and an education can take advantage of them. It’s a perfect plan. When the world is in the state it is right now, we all need to laugh a little. And nothing makes me happier than seeing them watch you as you run away and they can’t do anything because they have no phone, no car and are all married to their sisters! Keep the faith and the carrots! They will forgive you!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

LIKE-A-HOLIC by Anthony Solimini



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have been diagnosed,(here on Bookface), as a serial LIKER. I LIKE everything! Are there meetings I can go to, say, Likers Anonymous, or something like that where people of like afflictions can support one another?

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Dear Like-aholic, I feel your pain! I really like, feel your pain. And yes there is a support group for idiots, I mean people, like you that like everything like all the time.
It is called a SOCIAL LIFE. Here is how it works. You call a friend or 2, if you have any, and GO OUT. Eat. Drink. Laugh. Talk. Discuss. Anything that doesn’t involve a piece of technology. I know, it sounds absurd. Not being able to like a friend’s picture of their cat, or the bagel they just ate, or the tumor that was just remover from their stomach. But, believe it or not, you can do it. You may even try dating a human being. Now, it will probably be difficult for you to find someone since you are probably extremely annoying, but like what have you got to like lose! Good luck!

Monday, December 3, 2012

BLACK TO SCHOOL by Anthony Solimini



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just read that they are now offering $10,000 for black moms to go to school. I'm not black but could use that money. Do you think if I painted my face black and borrowed my neighbor’s kid I’d qualify? Should I change my name to, Suzqwan?

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Dear Sad Lonely Girl, since Obama just won the election I too will be painting my face and changing my name to Vashon Metta World Peace. No, I will not get any money for this but I will be “keepin’ it real” since the USA is now officially “gangsta”…
As for you, well I say go for it. After all, America was built on lies, cheating, stealing and deception. Why should you, as a white woman, have to go to work and be responsible for yourself? NO! Take freebies. Live off the government. Take advantage of diversity based social welfare programs. And as for the kid; to have some real fun, borrow a white child. Keep the government workers guessing whose child it really is. See, we have so many rights in our country that they cannot take a DNA test! They will have to fork over the cha ching! But, you have to study! Remember they are paying for the education. However, my advice is to just sit next to a Chinese student and cheat! Ahhhhh. America!

Friday, November 30, 2012

INVENTIONS by Darryl Littleton


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My uncle is making me crazy. He's running around all over the place telling people he invented the,,,,, apostrophe! He said he’s got tons of other things he’s invented like, the question mark and, the foot long hot dog. I think he picked the notion up from a movie or television show he watched. I’m concerned he'll go around telling people he’s related to me. How should I break the news to him that he's just a misguided dreamer? 

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DARRYL: Let him go on thinking he invented those things.  How can it hurt?  Al Gore thought he invented the Internet and he became Vice-President and got an Oscar. 

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

WHAT IT IS by Darryl Littleton


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I'm in a quandry. I've reached the point in my life where I really want to know what it's all about. My friends say it's the hokie pokie. I think we should ask Alfie but I don’t know how to get in touch with Dionne Warwick. Can you help?

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DARRYL:  Yes.  When we last left Dionne Warwick she was on the psychic hotline.  So she’s probably hanging out with Miss Cleo and the rest of them.   I suggest a trip to the garment district or possibly Skid Row.  

Friday, November 9, 2012

15 ITEMS OR LESS by Steph Inglesfield


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I fear I've made a big mistake. Yesterday at the super market, I ditched a nun in the 15 items or less check out lane. That's not what's bothering me. The thing that's got me scared is I (knowingly) had 18 items! Am I in trouble with the man upstairs now? Please help,,,, I'm afraid to un-bag (paper not plastic) any of my food and I'm starving.

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STEPH: Frankly, I think God has better things to do than to follow you grocery shopping. The queuing nun was for sure the fruit of your imagination, probably that Habit fixation of yours. And now, you are begging to be castigated! I go grocery shopping everyday, and never do I have Sado-maso fantasies! You are one sick puppy. Starve!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

STALKED by Steph Inglesfield



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I keep calling a friend of mine but all I get is her answering machine. I leave messages but I get no return call. I know she’s home because I’ve seen her through the window watching tv. Should I keep calling till she answers..... maybe she stepped into the shower.


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STEPHANIE: Boring! Lamely easy question! I despair of people like you. You are a waste of space, of my talent, and of the readers'time. So, anyway, since I have to, here it comes: you sad, unimaginative, thick cow, you want that woman's attention? Then 1st, get her husband's: call him repetitively and preferably at night, text him, bake for him, Facebook tag him... She'll answer your next call, on the 1st ring-guaranteed.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY by Steph Inglesfield



Dear Stupid Ass Question: Recently I read that parents are outraged at the Tide company for making laundering easier. Apparently they have combined fabric softener and laundry soap in one easy to use packet. Parents are calling for the company to mark the container as well as the packets with the following..... FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY, DO NOT EAT. I guess children were consuming these colorful packets while mom and dad were on the computer watching Porn. Does this mean I have to stop watching porn?

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STEPHANIE: Porn is always the answer. Like Bouncy Billy says in the classic Three Men in a Goat, "Let me demonstrate": what you watch is between you and your computer, and since that mouse cannot talk, all the better. You make it click, it returns you the favour. Your problem is not laundry detergent, not your kids' diet. It is that you have already too many children, too many filthy clothes and not enough cookies on your internet history. Your hard drive should be... Just that, a hard drive, baby! So, keep watching adult channels all by yourself: it is healthy, the only truly safe sex option, the only truly natural contraceptive. No more brats is what you are about! And one last observation, you porn pig: anything that warns "FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY, DO NOT EAT" is obviously not for you.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

DEATH BY UTENSILS by Steph Inglesfield



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Last night I had a dream I killed someone with a wooden spoon. Do you think that it was a psychic dream? Should I lock up my baking supplies? 


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STEPHANIE: No, I think it was just a dream. You want to lock up your wooden spoon? let us meet and explore alternatives instead...  I have a few ideas for your utensil.

Monday, November 5, 2012

SICK, THE NEW WEIGHT LOSS by Steph Inglesfield


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have been so sick that I haven't eaten for 2 days. I’ve noticed that I lost 4 pounds. Should I make myself sick again so I lose more weight or should I become anorexic?

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Yes, being sick is God's gift to weight loss.  Nothing like the runs to make me feel beautiful! Or, as you puke your guts out and feel the weight come off, it's just like cheating, like it is too easy: you feel so light, your tummy so flat, your cheeks flushed and rosy like peaches, aaaaw the bliss! You just want to giggle! What a strike of luck!    And all it takes, is one dodgy little shrimp, one piece of undercooked chicken, and, voila! And when you think of those healthy eating freaks, those sad idiots on dreary diets, those gastric band mavericks and even worse, these gym martyrs, ha! ha, I repeat! What a bunch of morons! Just remember, a rotten apple a day keeps the dietician away. Girls, girls, girls, diamonds are for ever, and the perfect figure only an old sushi away!

Friday, November 2, 2012

BIBLES OR BROCCOLI by Kevin Bartini



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I refuse to be a party to children going down an evil pathway to hell by celebrating Halloween. So this year I am trying to decide between giving out Bibles or Broccoli. Which do you think they would enjoy more?


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KEVIN: Dear Wet Blanket,
Thanks so much for your question. I agree with you completely. Halloween is an evil pathway to hell. Halloween is the combination of the three great evils in this world. The devil, the candy industry and the people who make cheap plastic masks. Oh that President Obama could turn the sites of a few drones at those people and their evil evil ways.
As to your question as to what would make a better gift fr the children a bible or some broccoli I believe that the answer is simple. The bible would be much better For one thing a child could take a piece of broccoli and dip it into some melted chocolate or caramel. This is something that they couldn’t do with a bible.
The bible is a great gift for any occasion. It is full of morality tales, it is full of the word of god and it is free with every hotel rental. I am sure to take my free bible from every hotel I stay at. After a week on the road I have secured enough bibles to have a gift for everyone in my sewing circle.
Let’s face it kids can be real pricks. If you give them something for Halloween that they are not happy with they will egg your house. Broccoli is a definite path to an egging. A bible on the other hand? I have never met a child who wasn’t thrilled to receive another copy of the good book.
So enjoy the holiday and remember that once Halloween ends the Christmas season begins. Two full months where we as a society do nothing but praise the baby Jesus. Does it get any better?

Thursday, November 1, 2012

AN APPLE A DAY by Kenny Colgin

  • KENNY COLGIN

    Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I went trick or treating with my kids and I found a few apples with pins in them. Should I let them eat them, aren't the pins a joke decoration?

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    KENNY: Spooktacular question, may I say, and let me assure you, you've come to the right place my friend.I was puzzled initially by your question so I took it to our crack team of experts on these matters. (13th floor,,,, ugh I hate going to the 13th floor.). Seriously,,,, every time you go on their floor they look at you like they could just bite your head off! (What a bunch of ghouls.) Anyway, they informed me that the chance of you getting your kids to even eat an apple these days are slim. My word,,,,, look at those little biggers,,,'er I meant buggers! Their entire generation is on their way to being the most obese, (Floor 13 calls them succulent.), generation in the history of the world! Their eating habits are terrible and that suits our monsters,,,,'er I meant associates, just fine. My Lord!!!!!!! You'd think our flesh eating,,,,, I meant esteemed colleagues, were buttering these kids up for something. Soooo, they probably won't eat those apples since they prefer sugar and all the non-healthful stuff. But on the outside chance they do want to eat one of those tainted apples,,,, let them. The way these kids are running around these days piercing and tattooing themselves,,,,, if the needles do poke them chances are it's a hole they were going to have punched in their chubby, little bodies anyway. Thanks for stopping by and we hope you have a less stressful Halloween. P.S., our monsters, no I meant, engagingly productive and useful office mates want your address. (I think they'd like to drop by for lunch sometime).

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

CASPER, THE NOT SO FRIENDLY GHOST by Joanne Filan


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a neighbor that I find very annoying. I figure that Halloween is the perfect time to get back at him for all the annoying things he does. Should I dress up as Casper the Ghost and when he opens the door just punch him in the face and steal the bowl of candy? Everyone knows Casper was always getting in trouble.


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Dear Casper, Well you're certainly on the right track. But perhaps you should step it up a notch. Try ringing his doorbell and when he answers, punch him in the face with a knife instead. Then lay your Casper costume over his dead body and the cops will just figure Casper was "getting into trouble" again as you said. Or they may just blame it on "those meddling kids" from Scooby Doo. Either way you're in the clear to enjoy your bowl of candy! 
Happy Halloween!
Your spiritual guide,
Joanne

Monday, October 29, 2012

EAT YOUR VEGGIES by Steph Inglesfield



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a stomach ache and I just can't understand why. Do you think that eating 2 lbs. of candy corn cold have anything to do with it? I thought that since it was made from a vegetable it would be ok, right?


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With all these ghoulies, eyeballs, gut jellies, zombie feasts... You think your stomach ache is due to Candy Corn! You fool! I say, eat Candy Corn till you puke, it's only Halloween once a year, right?
Now, I had to look up Candy Corn on Wikipedia since you insular passportless Americans just assumed that me, a sophisticated, Chanel perfumed French lady would know such a tasteless, palate insulting little treat. The wee suppository shaped sweet in question is made mostly of wax. Considering its body friendly shape, I can only imagine it is earwax we are dealing with here. You transatlantic folks are gross.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

IF IT'S ON SESAME STREET THEN.....by Jeffrey Jena



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was watching Sesame Street with my child the other day and they were showing a woman breastfeeding her baby. Now, my child is constantly pulling open my shirt while saying, “Milk, milk, milk”. I never breast fed my baby and actually have felt guilty that I didn’t. I don’t want my child to blame me later in life for their oral fixation with things. Do you think I should start now or is it too late?

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Jeffrey:
Dear Lactose Intolerant,
You neglect to tell us two important facts that we need before we can give you an answer. First, are you a woman or a man? Second, how old is your child? If you are a man and your child is now 25 your problems are now beyond my help. If you are a woman and your child is under the age of two, give it a shot! No pun intended! However, remember if you are going to breastfeed in public you should bring enough for everyone! 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

ICE CREAM, THE OTHER WHITE MEAT by Jeffrey Jena


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Is it so wrong that all I want to do is eat ice cream all day long? My wife seems to think so but I don’t see the problem. After all, doesn’t everyone eat ice cream?

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Dear Butterfat,
The only reason your wife has an objection to your constant clogging of your coronary arteries is that you are the main breadwinner. She fears watching you keel over and becoming a single mom with no future. Buy a nice twenty five year term life policy with a 2 million dollar payout and soon she’ll be serving up endless bowls of Haagen-Dazs with a side of lard! Bon Appetit! 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I'M FULL by Jeffrey Jena



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I made cookies today for my children to have after school. However, I ate all except for a few crumbs and burnt ones. Should I save that for them or throw them out…… I'm full.

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Dear Crumbsucker,
Your first mistake was having kids, but since we’re way past there let’s talk about cookies. If you leave the burnt cookies out on a plate your kids will turn up their nose. Make them eat the burned cookies. NO MILK! Repeat this scenario for several weeks. Soon your kids will be asking for carrot sticks and that healthy crap they are being brainwashed with at the government school down on the corner. Soon you are munching down trays of Fudge Stripes while they are anorexic teens counting the calories in a Wheat Thin. Thank you Dr. Pavlov. 

Friday, October 5, 2012

DUMB ASS QUESTION by Joseph Conklin


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I know you are busy, but let me run this one by you. If it's called corn on the cob, why then, does everyone insist I eat my, corn on the curb?


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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,

  I am very busy and I am a little worried how you knew that, however since this seems incredibly important to you so I will take time out of my way more important life to address your corn based dilemma in which you are wondering exactly why you’ve been directed by everyone else in your life to consume your corn on the cob, on the curb and point out to you that the answer is quite obvious…

No one likes you because you bother them with dim-witted questions about things like where to eat corn.  Now go sit on the curb, I have better things to do.

Your Friend and Mine,