Friday, June 28, 2013

PASSION FRUIT by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I've heard tell that "passion" fruit is good for your,,, well it's kind of embarrassing, but it's supposed to improve your sex life. I heard the same thing about oysters too. I could never keep them tied on long enough to see a difference. Does "passion" fruit come with little strings and perhaps instructions for proper use?

Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, No, Passion Fruit does not come with strings or instructions for proper use and…and I’m going to say this the nicest way I possibly can – please do not mate. The human race is in enough trouble as it is genetically speaking and it certainly does not need a whole generation of offspring who need instructions on the proper use of fruit (it’s been hard enough to get the current one just to pull up its pants, we really don’t need to go down the same path with fruits). Everyone of legitimate intelligence knows damn well that the only way you can get any improvement in your sexual life using passion fruit is to take it as a suppository. I suggest you try this method immediately and then and only then will you realize that I am 100% right in the fact that you should not be mating. Just be sure to wash the fruit off first, most certainly afterwards and please look into sterilization – it’s what’s best for your sex life, trust me.

You’re Welcome!
Joseph Conklin

Thursday, June 27, 2013

DRUGS AND FRIENDS by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, My best friend quit doing drugs. I’m proud of him for doing this, but is it wrong to not hang out with him anymore? I could tell him I moved.

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, Listen, I don’t blame you because as you know – nobody likes a quitter, so no it is not wrong for not wanting to hang out with someone who wants to better their life by being no fun what-so-ever. However, you cannot be an enabler by being proud of him because that will only fuel him to do more lame things like get a job, move out of his parents basement and perhaps even find happiness. So it is in your best interest as well as his to cease and desist all contact immediately. My advice on how to do this is not to be so short sighted and claim you moved because clearly you cannot simply up and move yourself, you would need to find a whole new dealer for yourself and honestly, that’d just be a waste of good “high time.”
Here’s what you should do – convert to an annoying in your face cult like religion and start preaching to him all the benefits of giving his life over to your deity would have for him, all he has to do is snort massive amounts of cocaine off of an under aged handicapped sex slave’s bum (but make sure to call her a “sacrifice” to really sell the point). This will do one of two things: either he will stay away from you on his own in order to avoid relapsing into drugs and spiraling further down a path of degradation or he will call the police on you.  Choosing the former is his most likely choice because as you stated, he’s moved on to Squareville with his life and that’s what squares do, they call the cops. However, in the case that he chooses the latter, no worries because you are faking all that craziness and therefore won’t be arrested (note: hide the cocaine though). He will never come around you again and you won’t have to worry about running into him in a group of your friends for they too will alienate him because let’s be honest, nobody likes a Narc.
In the future, try not to be so proud of people making better life choices than you, it’ll only backfire in your face and make you look worse than you already do.

You’re Welcome!
 Joseph Conklin

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I was going to go on a picnic today because the weather man said it was going to be sunny and 77. I bought lots of food and a beautiful new blanket. Also, I purchased a few toys for the kids to play with, BUT it’s raining. Is he a liar or just dumb? I think I've lost all faith... I mean if you can’t trust the weather man who can you trust.... the pope?

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, Allow me to start this off by saying that no matter how devout a Catholic you may be, you simply cannot rely on the Pope for accurate weather predictions, it’s just not his thing. As for the weatherman, he is actually a genius because he gets paid to GUESS and when he is wrong with his guesses he gets to blame things you never knew even knew existed in terms that you don’t understand AND he makes more money than the two of us combined doing so.  That’s pretty brilliant, no? And he is most certainly not a liar because that would imply he actually knew what he was talking about in the first place, which he does not. He is just the anthropomorphic televised version of the groundhog seeing or not seeing his shadow. Now, in your list of things you did to prepare for a day of picnicking why did it never occur to you to purchase an umbrella? And it’s only rain anyway! Why are you afraid of a little water, what are you the Wicked Witch of the West?? Go on your picnic, tell your kids it’s a rainforest adventure and stop blaming people on television for your lazy, hydrophobic parenting!

You’re Welcome!
Joseph Conklin  

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I just got a call from a window and home siding company wanting to put their sign in my yard in exchange for lower cost siding and new windows. I don’t own the house I was just here babysitting while the parents are on vacation. I really think their house could use a makeover so I said sure come on over. I think they'll thank me when they get home but my question is, should I have picked a different color of siding than purple, I’m not sure if it’ll go with the orange shutters.

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, I wouldn’t worry about them being upset when they get home as they are clearly people with poor judgment in character and therefore any color of siding is ipso facto their fault, whether they like it or not.  Perhaps if they had thought ahead and simply took their child on vacation with them like most decent parents would do, they wouldn’t come home to a purple house with orange shutters.  This argument by the way will certainly hold up in any court of law because Judges tend to be the type of people who were left at home with an idiot babysitter while their parents were out gallivanting (which is why they enjoy judging people so much, it’s in their nature) and will most likely force the parents to keep the color of their house purple for a certain period of time in order to punish them for his own Daddy issues.  However, just in case I’m wrong and the parents are actually CIA agents and the “vacation” was just a cover while they assassinated political figures in South America, I would just put a note on the kid that reads “I did this” and then seek political asylum in a country like Poland, who according to the jokes my Father told me growing up are going to be way more accepting of your choices in life.
Best of Luck!

You’re Welcome!
Joseph Conklin  

Monday, June 24, 2013

WEDDING BELL BLUES by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I'm getting married next year and I'm looking for a place to have my wedding. Do you think Facebook would be a good venue?

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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, First off congratulations on your engagement – if this were on Facebook I would certainly click Like!  Now speaking of Facebook, I do not think you should go ahead with your plan to hold your wedding on the social media site because let’s be honest, Facebook is so passé at this point it might as well be an AOL chat room (which is more suited to men posing as sexy women for cybersex and/or people who steal children and sell them to Malaysian factories where they will end up working 20 hour shifts making Nikes or your wedding dress). Also, having a Facebook wedding is just asking for all sorts of unwanted guests showing up and ruining your special day like Grumpy Cat or even worse, 2nd Amendment Memes (unless of course this is a shotgun wedding, then very very appropriate!) My advice to you is to look into unique and unexpected website venues to host your wedding…such as! Then when you read your vows and the Priest asks “Do you take this Man…till death do you part?” You can get a WAY better answer than simply “I Do” at your Stupid Ass Wedding!

You’re Welcome!
Joseph Conklin

Friday, June 21, 2013

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME..... by Sean Cirone

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Sean, I want to give my son a biblical name like Abraham or James or even Ishmiel. Would it be wrong to name him Satan?

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SEAN: No not at all, Why Satan was a prominent figure in both testaments. However, do not stop there; why not go with one of Satan’s more popular names such as Azazel, Beelzebub or Donald Trump. You’ve got to admit though, Beelzebub Smith has a nicer ring to it. Also with a title like that, I don’t think your son will have much trouble when it comes to the bullying department.

PATRIOTIC by Sean Cirone

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Sean, I know this might sound silly, but I am very patriotic and want people to know. Should I wear red, white and blue to do my laundry on the 4th of July?

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SEAN: Why yes that sounds like a most splendid idea since most of your clothes will be made in china and what is more patriotic than that? Also for an added flair may I suggest painting your face in red, white and blue with untested lead based paints, sporting a few glow sticks filled with phosphorus liquids and maybe even inserting live sparklers into the base of your scalp. Nothing yells devotion to the country  more than a fellow citizen engulfed in fire due to combustible material.  Do not let the stares of the less patriotic divert you from your calling.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

FEAR NOT by Sean Cirone

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Sean, I’m afraid to ask a question. What should I do? Thank you in advance.

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SEAN: Whatever your heart desires. Oh, and a breath mint would be nice.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

5 YEAR ITCH by Sean Cirone

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Sean, My 5 year wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I just found out my husband is cheating on me with my best friend. I was wondering what you think would be a good gift. Isn’t five years traditionally wood?

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SEAN: A little known fact is that the apple tree consists of wood, apples fruit from this tree made of wood and the seeds contained within in the apples which fruit from the tree which is in turn made of wood are one of the base components in cyanide. Make sure you wrap this present.
 IF all else fails remember that most times a sturdy ax is accompanied by a handle made of wood.

Monday, June 17, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Sean, My soon to be mother-in-law is super fat. Should I tell her so that she has time to lose all that extra poundage before my wedding? I want my wedding photos to come out nice.  

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SEAN: Do not fret over such menial issues such as your mother-in-law’s weight gain. Do however fret over the fact that within a year of marriage most couples (that includes you o-shallow-one) experience a significant increase in weight gain, your metabolism as you near your late twenties will slow down not unlike a out of shape biker approaching a steep incline and your significant other  will most likely soon take after her mother due to genetics come to physically resemble what you loathe. Good luck on your future superficial endeavors in being a world-class control freak.

Friday, June 7, 2013

HOSTESS GIFT by Melinda Hill

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My last name is Pitt and I think Brad Pitt and I are related. I was thinking of stopping at his house and sayin' hi. I want to show proper manners so should I bring an old tire filled with plants or do you think he’s already got one?

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Melinda: Great idea, I’m sure he will love the tire filled with plants. Or better yet make it a tire filled with implants.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

ONE MAN'S ODOR by Melinda Hill

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a friend who doesn't shower regularly. (and by regularly, I mean at least once a week - which he doesn't). Because of this, people are always saying mean (but true) things like "you stink" or "take a shower". My question is, should I be offended, I
mean should he just take a shower?
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Melinda: Well as Oprah always says, one man’s odor is another man’s mental illness.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

KEEPING UP by Melinda Hill

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just started watching a reality show called, Keeping up with the Kardashians. My question is..... HOW?

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Melinda: My best guess is you turned on the tv and there they were. Then you didn’t change the channel. this seems like a plausible how.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was reading in a popular magazine on how to get a man. It said that men love curves so, every day for the past month I’ve eaten a bag of peanut M&M’s. The only man I’ve met is my local grocer and he’s gay. Should I add another bag?

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Melinda: Your first mistake is that you were reading a magazine about how to get a man. I’m going to stop you right there. Men don’t like women who read.

Monday, June 3, 2013

ABRACADABRA by Melinda Hill

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friends love me... I'm certain of that. But they just all chipped in and bought me a magic book titled, “How To Make Yourself Invisible”. I've leafed through it and figure I can pull a couple of these tricks off but I need to know two things first. One, if invisible can I still be heard? Two, are they trying to get rid of me?

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Melinda: Yes and yes.

COMEDY CONTEST by Elaine Ballace

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: When a comedy club contest sends me a friend request and I accept, that means I'm going to win the comedy contest, right?

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ELAINE, Absolutely, but remember if you don't win, blame Marc Zuckerberg! He's always changing something on FB!