Friday, November 30, 2012

INVENTIONS by Darryl Littleton

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My uncle is making me crazy. He's running around all over the place telling people he invented the,,,,, apostrophe! He said he’s got tons of other things he’s invented like, the question mark and, the foot long hot dog. I think he picked the notion up from a movie or television show he watched. I’m concerned he'll go around telling people he’s related to me. How should I break the news to him that he's just a misguided dreamer? 

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DARRYL: Let him go on thinking he invented those things.  How can it hurt?  Al Gore thought he invented the Internet and he became Vice-President and got an Oscar. 

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

WHAT IT IS by Darryl Littleton

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I'm in a quandry. I've reached the point in my life where I really want to know what it's all about. My friends say it's the hokie pokie. I think we should ask Alfie but I don’t know how to get in touch with Dionne Warwick. Can you help?

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DARRYL:  Yes.  When we last left Dionne Warwick she was on the psychic hotline.  So she’s probably hanging out with Miss Cleo and the rest of them.   I suggest a trip to the garment district or possibly Skid Row.  

Friday, November 9, 2012

15 ITEMS OR LESS by Steph Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I fear I've made a big mistake. Yesterday at the super market, I ditched a nun in the 15 items or less check out lane. That's not what's bothering me. The thing that's got me scared is I (knowingly) had 18 items! Am I in trouble with the man upstairs now? Please help,,,, I'm afraid to un-bag (paper not plastic) any of my food and I'm starving.

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STEPH: Frankly, I think God has better things to do than to follow you grocery shopping. The queuing nun was for sure the fruit of your imagination, probably that Habit fixation of yours. And now, you are begging to be castigated! I go grocery shopping everyday, and never do I have Sado-maso fantasies! You are one sick puppy. Starve!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

STALKED by Steph Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I keep calling a friend of mine but all I get is her answering machine. I leave messages but I get no return call. I know she’s home because I’ve seen her through the window watching tv. Should I keep calling till she answers..... maybe she stepped into the shower.

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STEPHANIE: Boring! Lamely easy question! I despair of people like you. You are a waste of space, of my talent, and of the readers'time. So, anyway, since I have to, here it comes: you sad, unimaginative, thick cow, you want that woman's attention? Then 1st, get her husband's: call him repetitively and preferably at night, text him, bake for him, Facebook tag him... She'll answer your next call, on the 1st ring-guaranteed.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY by Steph Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Question: Recently I read that parents are outraged at the Tide company for making laundering easier. Apparently they have combined fabric softener and laundry soap in one easy to use packet. Parents are calling for the company to mark the container as well as the packets with the following..... FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY, DO NOT EAT. I guess children were consuming these colorful packets while mom and dad were on the computer watching Porn. Does this mean I have to stop watching porn?

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STEPHANIE: Porn is always the answer. Like Bouncy Billy says in the classic Three Men in a Goat, "Let me demonstrate": what you watch is between you and your computer, and since that mouse cannot talk, all the better. You make it click, it returns you the favour. Your problem is not laundry detergent, not your kids' diet. It is that you have already too many children, too many filthy clothes and not enough cookies on your internet history. Your hard drive should be... Just that, a hard drive, baby! So, keep watching adult channels all by yourself: it is healthy, the only truly safe sex option, the only truly natural contraceptive. No more brats is what you are about! And one last observation, you porn pig: anything that warns "FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY, DO NOT EAT" is obviously not for you.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

DEATH BY UTENSILS by Steph Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Last night I had a dream I killed someone with a wooden spoon. Do you think that it was a psychic dream? Should I lock up my baking supplies? 

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STEPHANIE: No, I think it was just a dream. You want to lock up your wooden spoon? let us meet and explore alternatives instead...  I have a few ideas for your utensil.

Monday, November 5, 2012

SICK, THE NEW WEIGHT LOSS by Steph Inglesfield

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have been so sick that I haven't eaten for 2 days. I’ve noticed that I lost 4 pounds. Should I make myself sick again so I lose more weight or should I become anorexic?

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Yes, being sick is God's gift to weight loss.  Nothing like the runs to make me feel beautiful! Or, as you puke your guts out and feel the weight come off, it's just like cheating, like it is too easy: you feel so light, your tummy so flat, your cheeks flushed and rosy like peaches, aaaaw the bliss! You just want to giggle! What a strike of luck!    And all it takes, is one dodgy little shrimp, one piece of undercooked chicken, and, voila! And when you think of those healthy eating freaks, those sad idiots on dreary diets, those gastric band mavericks and even worse, these gym martyrs, ha! ha, I repeat! What a bunch of morons! Just remember, a rotten apple a day keeps the dietician away. Girls, girls, girls, diamonds are for ever, and the perfect figure only an old sushi away!

Friday, November 2, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I refuse to be a party to children going down an evil pathway to hell by celebrating Halloween. So this year I am trying to decide between giving out Bibles or Broccoli. Which do you think they would enjoy more?

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KEVIN: Dear Wet Blanket,
Thanks so much for your question. I agree with you completely. Halloween is an evil pathway to hell. Halloween is the combination of the three great evils in this world. The devil, the candy industry and the people who make cheap plastic masks. Oh that President Obama could turn the sites of a few drones at those people and their evil evil ways.
As to your question as to what would make a better gift fr the children a bible or some broccoli I believe that the answer is simple. The bible would be much better For one thing a child could take a piece of broccoli and dip it into some melted chocolate or caramel. This is something that they couldn’t do with a bible.
The bible is a great gift for any occasion. It is full of morality tales, it is full of the word of god and it is free with every hotel rental. I am sure to take my free bible from every hotel I stay at. After a week on the road I have secured enough bibles to have a gift for everyone in my sewing circle.
Let’s face it kids can be real pricks. If you give them something for Halloween that they are not happy with they will egg your house. Broccoli is a definite path to an egging. A bible on the other hand? I have never met a child who wasn’t thrilled to receive another copy of the good book.
So enjoy the holiday and remember that once Halloween ends the Christmas season begins. Two full months where we as a society do nothing but praise the baby Jesus. Does it get any better?

Thursday, November 1, 2012

AN APPLE A DAY by Kenny Colgin


    Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I went trick or treating with my kids and I found a few apples with pins in them. Should I let them eat them, aren't the pins a joke decoration?

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    KENNY: Spooktacular question, may I say, and let me assure you, you've come to the right place my friend.I was puzzled initially by your question so I took it to our crack team of experts on these matters. (13th floor,,,, ugh I hate going to the 13th floor.). Seriously,,,, every time you go on their floor they look at you like they could just bite your head off! (What a bunch of ghouls.) Anyway, they informed me that the chance of you getting your kids to even eat an apple these days are slim. My word,,,,, look at those little biggers,,,'er I meant buggers! Their entire generation is on their way to being the most obese, (Floor 13 calls them succulent.), generation in the history of the world! Their eating habits are terrible and that suits our monsters,,,,'er I meant associates, just fine. My Lord!!!!!!! You'd think our flesh eating,,,,, I meant esteemed colleagues, were buttering these kids up for something. Soooo, they probably won't eat those apples since they prefer sugar and all the non-healthful stuff. But on the outside chance they do want to eat one of those tainted apples,,,, let them. The way these kids are running around these days piercing and tattooing themselves,,,,, if the needles do poke them chances are it's a hole they were going to have punched in their chubby, little bodies anyway. Thanks for stopping by and we hope you have a less stressful Halloween. P.S., our monsters, no I meant, engagingly productive and useful office mates want your address. (I think they'd like to drop by for lunch sometime).