Friday, May 9, 2014

GRIN AND BEAR IT by Kenny Colgin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kenny,  All Winter long I have been eating non-stop. My boyfriend says I'm getting fat and to stop. But aren’t we all considered animals? And like all other animals isn’t it normal to put on a large layer of fat for Winter? You know, like bears.

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Kenny: I'm probably not the best person here on staff to answer your question but our crack team of Stupid Ass Questions Dietary experts have just waddled out to their luncheon engagement.  (I think I heard it's at the Golden Corral Buffet.  Depends on how quick they got the roof replaced after the last time they all ate there they ate the roof right off the joint! But I digress, anyway we are not all animals.  Lots of people act like that but alas some of us are actually born to be house plants.  Uh huh high maintenance orchids in fact.  Go where the petting starts and mean boy friends end baby!  Yeah,ditch the Wall Street/Fashion Industry/People who have swallowed their lie about beauty and go with what makes you happy.  Eat, drink, and be merry! I do it all Winter myself.  You oughta' see me right now, I'm a big, fat, succulent orchid just loving life. So my friend I would say to you,"Grin and bare it!" and call me when you hit the beach next.  I'll squirt lotion on your back and you can roll me on my beach tarp.  I invented that secrete tanning butter. Hey they'll think you're saving a sea lion or something. 

Thursday, May 8, 2014

FAMILY REUNION by Kenny Colgin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kenny, I’m putting together my family reunion and I was wondering… do you think the parking lot of a liquor store would work?
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Kenny: Holy cannoli!, gramma and mom, are you two serious? After last
year's Reunion/Debacle at the bar with your dart league "buddies"
pfft! I am so over your antics ladies.  Honest.The fact you want to
play out some weird psychological escapade out here with my friends on
a World Wide Web First Class Comedy Site is troubling to me (how's
that for pandering 'eh?). Anyway, why did you buy that Tesla? No body
can fit in it much less you two. Oh we can't drive to the liquor store
for the Reunion, our battery is dead Kenny.  Can you come and pick us
up?  Whatever ladies It's always about "YOU!! P.S we'll be at
Walmart's.  Call your buddy, Screwy Louie, he owes me $50 for
babysitting you gals after we all ",,oh so abandoned you" last year. I
need to see Louie. You two jazz-bos,,,not such much.(We just hung out 
for crying out loud!)  Either of you remember Ground Hogs Day ?

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

GOTCHA COVERED by Kenny Colgin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kenny, Why do they call them "man-hole covers", when really they're covers for holes in the street? Are they being used incorrectly?

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Kenny: At the time of this writing I am hidden deep in a undisclosed location beneath the Earth.This is a touchy subject for a lot of people and my safety is a prime concern.Fact of the matter is "manhole" covers didn't used to be(Back in the good old days when men were really men.)called by their present names.No, we used to call them "womenhole" covers and they were used far more inventively.(Oh the possibilities,,)The girls got mad about the term and uses of these wonderful inventions and well,,,,a few of us wound up getting thrown into holes and had heavy covers placed on top of them so as to prevent our escape.But being the resourceful fellas we are once entombed we simply built "man caves" and hunkered down until the foul moods had lifted from our beloved gals.(Or they needed a jar lid removed.Maybe the grass cut.)So yes,,,,they're being used properly and the next time you see one give the secret knock and password and drop on in!Just don't bring my wife with you if she's still mad about the "balance the womanhole cover on her head/coffee table crack" OK?

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

ZOMBIE LOVE by Kenny Colgin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kenny, What happens to the fetus when a pregnant woman becomes a Zombie?

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Kenny: Ahhhh memory lane.  Believe it or not one of my greatest love affairs was with a zombie woman.  Oh yeah, I thought about marriage too.  If only the good times had out weighed the bad.  On the up side, she kept me in the greatest physical condition of my "act like I'm in shape" career.  I was running constantly! Every time I was around her I was running.  Man, I was fit as a fiddle.  The down side finally won out though.  Yeah she always professed to "love me for my brain"(Zombies in the South call them sweet breads by the way) and when she saw my brain scan after I'd been hit in the head with that rock (she threw at me to slow me down) well, no "sense in "having a boyfriend with no brain.  She dropped me like first period French class!  To love and have lost is far better than to have loved and been eaten I suppose.  Oh, about the baby thing.  Zombie chicks have never been recorded to have babies much less engage in "relations that would be conducive" to the wonderful and fantastic miracle of child birth.  Google it, they eat everything. 

Monday, May 5, 2014


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kenny, Now that Spring has sprung I need to rake my yard from all the leaves and crap. I just don't feel like it.  Do you think it's ok to borrow my neighbor's leaf blower while he's at work and blow the leaves and crap into his yard?

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Kenny: Spring is indeed here and a young man's fancy always turns to love.  I don't know anybody who loves to clean up leaves and crap so I understand your question fully.  Let's settle something real quick though, there are yard loving, leaf raking, dog poop never stops steaming before it's picked up, psychos among us.  They're going to read your question and immediately call you lazy.  I say, (as your acting legal council with the Homeowner's Association in this matter) you're not're just not being creative.  When your neighbor is at work do indeed borrow that leaf blower and push it all into his yard in a neat line.  The next day blow it right back into your yard the same way.  Go back and forth for about a week and see what happens.  If he doesn't give you any "blow back"(that's a legal term by the way) on it well then it's all good.  If he does get all kooked out about it then egg your own house and toilet paper your own trees!  Yeah, borrow the TP and eggs from him while he's at work man!Then, call the cops and say he's harassing you.  Everybody knows those anal yard nuts secretly mark all their eggs for Easter and they'll be the first to tell you when visiting your toilet paper is "not nearly as nice" as theirs.  He'll be stone cold busted! 
P.S: good fences make great neighbors. Next year just flip it over the fence.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

SUGAR HIGH by Joanne Filan

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Joanne, I had some chocolate the other day and it upset my stomach. I think it was the sugar. I don’t want to give up chocolate so should I start eating cocoa powder instead? It's kind of bitter but maybe I could get used to it... like black coffee.

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Joanne: Dear Quitter,
I don’t think you are looking at the big picture here.  Is it possible your stomach was upset due to not enough sugar?  I suggest you try an experiment and replace every meal of your day with sugar.  That way you can rule out any question of sugar being such a “demon” and welcome the opportunity of unlimited energy followed by an immediate lack of insomnia. And for the record, sugar would never give up on you.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

PAY BACK by Joanne Filan

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: A friend of mine’s mom passed away. I bought a sympathy card to mail to her. As I was putting it together I remembered I owe her $5.00. Is it ok to put the cash in there too or will she think that it’s a donation for her mother’s passing? I don’t want to get gipped and have to pay her again. Maybe I should put in a yellow sticky note on the inside of the card.

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Joanne: Dear Awkward,
It’s important to keep things respectful at this difficult time in your friend’s life.  Losing a loved one can be very hard to deal with and you don’t want to lose sight of your overall goal to help ease their pain.   Maybe there is an easier and later time for repaying your friend. While attending the funeral and paying respects, perhaps you could reach into the casket and “find” a $5 bill behind the deceased’s ear.  That way you can bring a happy and positive moment to an otherwise sad situation and even give the family a special new memory of their mother they can share with generations to come.