Thursday, February 28, 2013

COLBS by Mary Tischbein

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Its my understanding that flu is short for influenza. What is the term , the cold, (sniffles, etc. ), short for? And why is it called a cold when you can catch one in the middle of summer as well? ACHOOOO,,,,,,! 

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MARY: Coincidentially, the full name of the cold, or colb if your nasal passages are clogged, is incoldenza. The medical guys in charge of naming illnesses that day had the habit of not finishing words, they abbreviated everything. The only other time this worked and didn't cause most people agita was when Fonzerelli was abbreviated to The Fonz. Aaayyy. Yes, you can catch a cold in the Summer as well as in the Spring, Winter and Fall. Like the color smokey gray, a cold is fashionable and cool and awesome all year long, it is not limited by seasons or a calendar. To prevent catching a cold, at anytime of the year, we suggest never ever ever touching a door knob. You're welcome.

IN YOUR DREAMS by Mary Tischbein

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Monday, February 25, 2013

REPLACED WORKER by Mary Tischbein

Dear Stupid Ass Questions, I’m wondering if you have any work for me? I am a recently unemployed electrical/maintenance worker, and my last job was in a huge stadium during a big sports event. What do you think my chances are for gainful employment?

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MARY: First of all, we all know the entertainment portion of the event that went on at the halfway point was obviously the cause of the hiccup in the power outage. You can't have that much jelly rolling around and not expect some static to get kicked up. Blamazoid! But we understand if you were the scapegoat, as sucky as that is. Blame the guy with the utility belt, as my father used to say. He also used to say, stop picking at your scab, it will never heal! But that doesn't seem as relevant to this question. As far as the powers that be at having any work for you, uh, no. We're good. Definitely try the folks that run the internet, though. They seem to need some help with chronic pop-ups, and maybe you can work your magic and make those disappear, too.