Friday, January 10, 2014


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, If the Best things in life are free then why do I get charged at the Liquor Store.  

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KEVIN: Dear Boozer on a Budget,
The best things in life are indeed free and that includes alcohol.  There are plenty of ways to get free alcohol but the people at People Liquor don’t want you to know about.  
As any one of Alec Baldwin’s brothers can tell you, you can be flat broke and still get drunk if you know where to go.   
Try brewing your own.  If they can make alcohol in prison then you can make it at home.  To make alcohol all you need is sugar, yeast and liquid.  These are things that you can easily get for free at any restaurant.   What three things does every restaurant give you for free and in unlimited supply?  Sugar packets, ice water and dinner rolls.  
Just sit down at a table and when the waitress takes your order say that you need a few minutes to look over the menu but she can bring your dinner rolls right away.   While she is bringing your rolls and filling your water glass head off to the restroom.  Did you know that every restaurant has free plastic bags in the bathroom?  They do they keep them in the trashcan.
Dump out the trash onto the floor and take the plastic bag.  Then go back to your table and put the dinner rolls and the water into the bag then tear open the sugar packets pour them into the bag give it a good shake and run out of the restaurant with the bag over your shoulder.  Be sure to yell “suckers’ at the staff as you leave.
The yeast from the rolls will eat the sugar in and fart alcohol into the water.  Give this process a few days and before you know it you will have a good buzz on free of charge all compliments of the good people at Roy Rogers.
If you need some free booze but you don’t feel like waiting for the fermentation process then I suggest looking at the local newspaper.  Skip to the obituary section and look for the nearest Irish funeral.  
Irish funerals are always going to be filled with free booze and it is really easy to fit in at an Irish Funeral.  Just remember these three phrases and you’ll be considered family.
“Seamus was a lousy dad but boy was he good at hitting his wife.”
“It is wonderful to see that all seventeen of Mary’s children could be here for her funeral.”
“Screw the queen!”
As for the liquor stores, they are selling alcohol which is wrong.  But there are ways to get free alcohol from liquor stores as well.  It is pretty simple really.  Just go to the liquor store on a Friday evening and wait to be approached by a teenager.  The teenager will actually give you money to go inside and buy him a bottle of booze.  Step one is to take the teenagers money into the store and pick out a bottle.  Step two is to call the cops and tell them that there is a kid outside the store asking adults to buy him alcohol.  Step three is to pay for the booze with the kid’s money and then walk out of the store while the kid is busy with the cop.
And just like that you have gotten free booze, the liquor store got paid and the teenager learned a valuable lesson about trusting people.  
Kevin Bartini

Thursday, January 9, 2014

SLEEP EATING by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin,
I am hungry and tired.  Is it possible to eat and sleep at the same time.  

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KEVIN: Dear Tired and Hungry,  Is it possible to eat and sleep at the same time?  What a silly question.  Of course it is possible to eat and sleep at the same time.  There are people who do nothing but eat and sleep every day.  Those people live their lives in comas or Rural Mississippi.
Eating and sleeping are an amazing combination.  They go together like binging and purging or drinking and driving.  Both are great on their own but when you learn how to put them together they are life changing.
Learning how to sleep and eat at the same time is a tricky but rewarding habit.  Step one is to learn from the masters.  Val Kilmer writes a great blog on the subject, lots of good insights there.  And when it comes to doing nothing but eating and sleeping I am guessing that is all that Jessica Simpson is up to these days so maybe follow her on Twitter.  
Please do me a favor and DO NOT TAKE AMBIEN.  This is cheating.  When it comes to eating and sleeping Ambien is a performance-enhancing drug.   This takes all of the sport out of it and as a nocturnal nourishment purist I cannot be more against it.  
Do it the natural way.  Start with soft foods served using a funnel system.  You need a way to feed the food into your mouth unconsciously.  My preferred method is to put melted ice cream in an iv bag and then tape the iv tube to the side of my mouth.
Now you don’t want to choke so you have to train your throat to work for you and not against you.  Like any guy in musical theater can tell you the trick is to relax your throat and control your gag reflex.  
Once you have mastered the IV of ice cream you can move on to more solid foods.  But this possesses a problem.  Training your hand to feed food into your mouth is very complex and takes a long time.  What I recommend is to sleep on a pillow of food.  Something like a roasted turkey that is soft enough to comfortably support your head but is also something that you can mindlessly gorge on.
You are embarking on a rewarding life long love affair with food and sleep.   Enjoy the process and please keep us all posted on your progress and subsequent weight gain.
I’ll meet you at the buffet in your dreams,

Kevin Bartini

Wednesday, January 8, 2014


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, A friend of mine gave me a Christmas Cactus last year.  Yesterday I noticed it was blooming and it was only October.  Why would she lie to me?  Should I dump her as a friend?

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Kevin: Dear Not a Botanist,
Do not blame your friend for the early blooming cactus.  Your friend was trying to give you a gift and is thus a good friend.  Don’t blame the cactus either.  You see the cactus is kind of dumb.  Cactus’ in general are a less intelligent species because they lack a central nervous system and because they are from the South West.  
Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that everyone from the South West is unintelligent.  I am just saying that I have yet to meet a Nobel Prize Winner or a Rhodes Scholar wearing a turquoise belt buckle and a bolo tie.  The poor cactus can’t be blamed for thinking that early October is Christmas.  The blame goes to the pricks on Madison Avenue who have decided to force everyone to start their holiday shopping some time around early June.   Christmas has spread through the calendar like an aggressive tumor.  It used to be only one day.  Back in simpler times, folks celebrated Christmas on December 25th.  Children would get an orange in their stocking, mom would roast a goose and dad would get drunk.  Then one day of Christmas wasn’t enough they added Christmas eve.  This meant two oranges for the kids, now mom had to roast a goose and a turkey and dad could be drunk for 48 hours straight.  It was a small growth nobody seemed to notice and nobody seemed to be upset.
Then somebody got the bright idea to write a song about the twelve days of Christmas.  All of the sudden thanks to a catchy ditty Christmas had increased in size six fold.  
But almost two weeks of Christmas wasn’t enough.  Like an occupying force Christmas led a blitzkrieg into November and invaded Thanksgiving.  All of the sudden Santa Clause was appearing at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade and the story of the Pilgrims breaking Bread with the Indians had moved from Plymouth Massachusetts to a manger in Bethlehem.   Thanksgiving was no longer about enjoying a feast with those closest to you.  Thanksgiving was no longer about taking a moment out to be grateful for what you have.  It was about focusing on what you want.  It was now about rifling through the JC Penny catalogue and camping out on line for eighteen hours at Best Buy so you could buy a tv for half price.  
Having effectively making Thanksgiving it’s bitch Christmas has taken over Halloween spreading this joyous season to a full two months.   Now all of the sudden Santa Clause is showing up at the Halloween parade in Greenwich Village where he continuously pops amyl nitrate and joins in on the Thriller Dance.
So of course your cactus got confuse and began to bloom in October.  How could it not think that it’s Christmas already?   On Halloween when your door bell rings you aren’t supposed to wonder if you will open the door to find trick-or-treaters or carolers.  It sure looks like Christmas when you go into the Duane Reade and the place is decked out like at any moment the Who’s down in Whoville are about to drop in and blast out a few bars of Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze! Welcome Christmas, Come this way! 
    Once Halloween falls we can pretty much expect the months of September and August to follow suit.   We can kiss the Fourth of July goodbye and expect to start shopping for Christmas at the same time we are shopping for Dads and Grads.  It won’t be long before on the last Friday in April we mark Arbor day by  cutting down our Christmas trees.     
I am sorry to tell you that life as you know it will never be the same.  We are moving into an era where the Holiday Season begins on New Years Eve and never ends.  It is a scary world.  So tonight hug your cactus a little tighter and enjoy the 365 days that it will be in bloom.
A Joyous Noel to You and Yours,

Kevin Bartini

Tuesday, January 7, 2014


Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, If it is true that we are here to help others, then what are other people here for?

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Dear Modern Day Philosopher,  First off before I answer your question I have two of my own.  How high were you when you thought of this question?  And can you hook me up with the number to your dealer?

I am seriously impressed.  For someone to come up with such a deep question has to have taken something that not only opened the doors of perception in his mind but actually blew the doors right off of their hinges.  

I thought that the best way to answer your question was to get as high as you.  As they say great minds think alike.  So I did nine bong rips but even after that I still didn’t feel like I had caught up to you yet.  So then I started huffing random things around the house.  Spray paint, whipped cream, I even stuck my nose into a white box of Chinese leftovers that had been in the back of my refrigerator for the last six months and took a deep breath.  Next came the pills.  I don’t have a lot of prescription strength medicine in the house since I don’t have insurance.  But I took a handful of Flintstones Chewables , and then a months worth of birth control pills as a chaser.

And still after all of that I didn’t feel like I was as yet as high as you and thus could not be in the headspace to properly answer your question.  So I went to the gym.  I thought that when you are on a mix of pills, pot and inhalants yet you have still not reached the elevated mental state that killed River Phoenix the next logical step was to achieve a runners high.  So on to the treadmill.   I went running, stumbling at first but eventually sprinting.  I awaited that fabled runners high.  I started sweating and eventually vomiting up half the town of Bedrock.  

It was at that moment that my runners high kicked in and put me over the edge.  Euphoria!  Oh how it must feel to be you, Modern Day Philosopher!   I had reached that point where I could see the world clearly.  I could smell emotions and I could hear light.  I was in the exact right place mentally, physically and spiritually.   I was at last one with the universe and finally ready to answer your question!

But then I looked up from the treadmill and saw that an episode of The Simpsons was starting on the flat screen in front of me.  It was a classic, the one where Bart tries to jump Springfield Gorge with his skateboard.   I had no choice but to stay on the treadmill for another thirty minutes and by the time the episode ended I had forgotten your question.

So now it is the next morning I have a splitting headache and I my legs are in a competition to see who can cramp up in a more horrific manner.  So far the edge goes to my left leg who waited until I was in the bathroom to have some sort of seize up.  I dropped immediately to one knee as if I had stepped onto a land mine and got pee on the wall.

So to answer your question…  Other people are here to help you in return.  That is life.  The give and take the ebb and flow the ying and the yang.  You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.  That is what it is all about.  For example I am here to help answer your question and in doing so there will be many people that help me.  People like the maid who will come in and clean the pee off of my wall.  Or the technician at Planned Parenthood who will help me out next month now that I have taken all of my wife’s birth control pills.  

Thanks again for your great question.  Say now to drugs.
Kevin Bartini

Monday, January 6, 2014

PUPPY LOVE by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions & Kevin, I have a puppy that requires exercise once a day but I am lazy as crap and don’t want to take him.  Do you think if I tied him to my son’s remote controlled dirt bike that it would do the job for me, OR do I strap him to my sons skateboard and just give it a push into the driveway?

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Kevin: Dear Father of the Year,  A new puppy while a wonderful addition to any family can produce unintended inconveniences.  You are right a puppy does need exercise and that does conflict with your plan to be lazy.  I feel for you really I do.  First I want to say that taping your puppy to a skateboard is a non starter.  The puppy will get no exercise being taped to a skateboard.  He would just stay there as the board wheels around.  Also taping the puppy to a skateboard would require effort on your part.  I don’t have to tell you how much effort it takes to pull tape from a roll while taking tape off of a furry puppy is infinitely more difficult.

You may think that that leaves only one option, to tie the puppy to your son’s remote controlled dirt bike.  You would be wrong.  Puppies don’t have the motor skills to keep a dirt bike balanced nor does he possess the opposable thumbs required to use a remote control.  But all is not lost.   There is one more option that I think you are overlooking… your son.  I am not a dad but I am lazy.  I have often fantasized about having a son of my own.  I don’t want a son to carry on my name and my DNA.  I don’t want a son so I have someone to throw the ball around with.  I don’t want a son so I don’t have to die alone.

I want a son because I am lazy and I need my very own helper monkey.  I want a son so I have someone to get me a beer when I need one.   I want a son who can walk to the tv and change the channel when I can’t reach beneath the couch cushions for the remote.  You being a lazy person must have figured out that having a son is like having an unpaid manservant.  If I had a son I wouldn’t even have to wipe my own ass anymore.  So make the boy take the dog out for a walk each day.  It will give the puppy exercise and it will give your son a companion when he walks to the mailbox to pick up your welfare check or heads down to the corner to buy your smokes and lottery tickets.
Keep living the good life.
Your friend,
Kevin Bartini