Saturday, December 31, 2011

CAUGHT ON CAMERA by Shari Linick


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My ex girlfriend, who I still have feelings for, showed up in a chat room with camera's the other night with the man she dumped me for sitting next to him. Was she trying to get back together with me? Should I go over there and find out?


Shari: It appears to me that your ex is secretly looking for one of the exes to have a manage-a-trois with, and you appear to be the perfect candidate, considering you're going into a chat room with a camera.  It's obvious that you are promiscuous.  I say go for it!   you should go over there..of course, bringing some tissues to cry into.

Friday, December 30, 2011

BIRDS OF A FEATHER by Shari Linick


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am an 80 year old woman who loves to feed birds in my local park. On a recent outing to feed my feathered friends I was surrounded by a swat team and arrested. When I asked why I was being arrested they said. "Because your feeding the birds bread". Was I feeding them the wrong kind of bread? Are birds into artisan bread? I'm old and on a budget and eat cat food myself so I can't go overboard.


Shari: Mazel tov on being an Octogenarian.  I hope the park is not on Sesame Street, It's rumored that a certain Big Bird is taking money from the other birds for "protection".  He dislikes the artisan bread and prefers filet mignon.  You think you're on a budget now? This problem can be easily solved about your budget and giving your other fine feathered friends their Artisan bread.  Make sure you are eating the catfood NEAR them in the park, while making the sounds "pssst psst psst.."here kitty kitty er birdie birdie".  I guarantee your problem will be solved.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

SAVE MONEY LIVE BETTER @WALMART by Shari Linick


Dear Stupid Ass Question: Recently, the meth lab I was working for got shut down by the cops. Do you think I could just make it in the bathroom at Walmart? Have you ever seen the chamber of secrets, Harry Potter? And do you remember where they make that potion in the girls bathroom? Well... that was illegal and they didn't get caught!

Click on picture to enlarge


SHARI: Unfortunately, that was in the UK.  They overlook those types of things when it involves an underage party.  Let's just say pounds talk.  Truth be told, the potion was actually a feminine product made strictly for Hermione when it was you know, "her monthly visit".  If you should decide to make the meth in the bathroom at Walmart, you're going to have to make it in extra large quantities, enough to kill a family of 10.   Sam Walmart is long dead and gone, so he'll never know...

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

STOLEN ID by Shari Linick


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I'm having trouble with buying things online. Whenever I go to purchase an item it says, "Press Any Button To Continue". I can’t find the ANY BUTTON on my key board. Do you know which one it is?


Click picture to enlarge


SHARI: Have you considered using the N&E keys?  Nonetheless, I think you should just call and forget about buying things online.  Your information will only wind up going to another server, where your identity will then be stolen, including your social security number.  You will then fight for the next 10 years to get your identity back, after losing EVERYTHING, including your wife, kids, house, due to being declined credit cards, line of credit, equity, where you then will not be able to afford anything and will find yourself homeless and jobless because your stolen identity claimed you served time in jail. 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

DUMBO and THE DRUG CARTEL by Shari Linick


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just watched the movie “Dumbo” for the first time and learned a very "valuable" lesson. I learned that if you package it right you can sell ANYTHING to ANYONE. So I was wondering... do you think I could bottle up a room freshener and call it Money in a Bottle? With all this Law of attraction stuff I thought I could make a killing. I mean look at Dumbo. He thought holding a feather could make him fly. But he couldn't really fly. Could he?
Size DOES matter so click picture to enlarge

SHARI: Dumbo, ALWAYS flew.  Just not in the way you thought.  You See, you THOUGHT that feather was a feather, when in fact, it was just a metaphor for something else that could not be shown to Disney Audiences.  Sorta like Puff the Magic Dragon, who lived by the sea for a reason -- it avoided suspicion and it was a place police could not easily access.  Folklore has it that that's where the other Dragon, belonging to Pete lived.  Ditto for Little Jackie Paper.   Puff actually lived on the side of the Mexican Border where his puffs are protected by the drug cartels - by the sea of course.  Many of drug cartels corpses have been thrown in there.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

BROKEN BUT NOT DEFEATED. by Julie Kitayama


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I fell down my stairs and broke my leg. I really want to sit out in the sun but once I get outside I can’t get back up the stairs. Should I just sleep outside?

Click on picture to enlarge

JULIE: It is a summer time and a shame that you'd have to miss most of it stuck inside with a broken leg.  Sleeping outside has its merits but downfalls too.   If you are going to spend the next month or so living outside you have to have the right equipment.  You'll need a tent and unless you live in the dessert and you yard is full of sand, you'll want to have an air mattress.  Dirt is hard.  Renting a port-o-potty is essential.  That costs about $137 a day.  Do you have that extra money?  You'll also need a generator to charge you cell phone which you'll need to call the pizza shop to have all your meals delivered. Perhaps you could get a small refrigerator and have your local grocery shop deliver some groceries.  Keep that in the tent in case it rains.  There is also the insect issue to contend with.  Your leg must be pretty itchy with that cast on it.  If a mosquito were to get down there you'd be in trouble so repellent is essential.  
Sleeping outside isn't your only option.  You can get some sun while enjoying the comforts of your home.  All you need to do is have large sky lights installed in each room of your house.  You'll be able to bask in the sun all day long while watching As the World Turns. Of course as the world does turn you will have to head into other rooms to follow the sun, but at least you won't be stuck down stairs. I know a contractor if you need one.
   

Monday, December 19, 2011

DIS-ORIENTED? by Kevin Bartini


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m of Asian decent and very proud of it. The other day a friend of mine told me that she heard if you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, they become dis-oriented. How do I find out if this is true? I am going to a theme park for my birthday and want to go on the rides.
Click picture to enlarge

KEVIN:  Dear Of Asian Decent, What your friend told you was a joke.  You see, the Asian continent and surrounding areas are commonly known as the Orient.  Therefore asking if you spin an Asian will he become “dis-oriented” is what we call a play on words or a pun.  To be disoriented can mean both to become dizzy or to lose ones Orientation.   Get it?  Another pun. I don’t blame you for not picking up on the sly use of the English language.  I’m sure that if your friend had asked that question in the form of a math problem that you would have gotten it, lickety-split.  Happy birthday!  The year of which animal were you born in?  I think I was born in the year of the dog.  But I can’t be sure.  I don’t have a placemat nearby.   You’re going to love going to the theme park to celebrate!  I don’t think you really need to worry about getting disoriented on the rides.  But you should check ahead.  Many of the rides will have a height requirement.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

HOLLYWOOD WEIGHT LOSS SECRET REVEALED by Caryn Ruby



Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hear that if you drink more you will lose more weight. Does it matter if its a particular kind of drink? Like vodka on the rocks, straight scotch or whatever?



CarynOf course it matters what you drink!  How do you think I stay so thin?  Ok, listen closely (well, read carefully then).  Here is the secret that no one in Hollywood has ever shared until now: Before noon, you can only drink gin.  From 12p-3pm you need to drink rum.  From 3-3:15 drink as much water as you can and eat a salad.  From 3:15-7pm strictly tequila, then, wine, then tequila; alternating every 6 minutes.  at 7:30pm go to sleep.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

IS IT THE CLOTHES THAT MAKES THE MAN OR THE MAN THAT MAKES THE CLOTHES? by Jennifer Anderson


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I enjoy designing clothing. I'm straight so does this mean that I'm gay now? Should I tell my wife?  

Jennifer Anderson: Yes. You are gay.  How can you not know? I doubt you have to tell your wife.  She knows too.  You must make a lot of money, or she would have left you by now.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

SUPER HEROES! by Jennifer Anderson

Dear Stupid Ass Question: Who is behind the identity of .... Stupid Ass
Questions, and do you have to wear a Superhero uni-tard?   

JENNIFER: Ummmmm…if you knew their secret identity, then it wouldn’t be a secret would it?  And by the way, I have it on good authority they all wear uni-tards under their blue jeans and target t-shirts, not because they have to, but it feels good.

Monday, December 5, 2011

ADDAMS FAMILY vs. THE MUNSTERS by Jennifer Anderson

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Can you settle a dispute between my wife and me? I maintain that "The Addams Family" was way funnier than "The Munsters." My wife says, "Why should I listen to the opinions of a man dumb enough to drop his Blackberry in the hot tub?" 

JENNIFER: Ok..let me explain.  The Addams Family was a wonderful 1960 comedy that showed the typical American Family, with all its’ typical American values as men would like them to have been.  A sexy wife who stays home and takes care of his every need, two children who refer to him as “Father” and hang on his every word as if it were full of wisdom. He also had living in his perfect, opulent, home, his favorite Uncle and his Mother.  They defer to him as the head of the house and always side with him.  He has a butler to do all the work.  On top of that, he’s incredibly rich! Pretty nice life, huh?  That’s why men loved that show. That’s why it was a comedy and it only lasted a few years.  Now you have the Munsters, who live in a crumbling home, a guy with a blue collar job at the mortuary, a father-in-law who, oddly enough, is a vampire, so he sucks the life out of you, a son who knows his father is an idiot and a wife who, in spite of everything, still loves her husband, knowing all the while he is the biggest boob in the world and so dumb he can’t be trusted to put the toilet paper up right, let alone with a Blackberry.  This is why women love the Munsters.  It is, in fact, a reality show and it lasted many years longer than the Addams Family, and even went into movies.

Friday, December 2, 2011

LAW SUIT? by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: While helping my husband on a construction job I fell and hurt my shoulder. He didn't even ask me if I was ok he just said, "Good thing that didn't happen to someone else or they'd sue me!" Should I teach him a lesson and sue?
MARV ELLIS: Many lessons to be learned here by this gross miscarriage of injustice! First off, your husband actually put you to work on a construction site!? MAN CARD REVOKED!!!! Women don't belong on a construction site for any other reason that to be heckled by men with cat calls and whistles! It's an OSHA standard!!! I have found that "Hey chicky mama!" is the most effective cat call at gaining the arousal of women on construction sites. Follow up with a well intentioned, heart felt "Damn you fine bitch!" and a couple of low pitched, tapering whistles and you will win her over a bar stool every time! That's a lesson for you men out there! :D
Now as far as asking if you were OK, what do you think he is!? A bleeding heart, pansy ass, puppy dog loving, poetry writing, son of Art Garfunkle or something!? NO!!!! HE'S A CONSTRUCTION WORKER!!!! As long as you were breathing you're fine! Shake it off!
As for teaching him a lesson and suing him-- on that point I have to say-- GO FOR IT!!!! He broke OSHA standards by letting you be anything other than eye candy and he has it coming! I'd sue him back into the stone age, take over his construction business, then put the men in his company to work building latrines and portable showers for the Occupy Wall Street people. They're starting to stink :(

Thursday, December 1, 2011

OVINE vs. BOVINE by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friend's mother just had gastric bypass surgery. I said "That's great your mother won't look like a fat pig anymore but she'll still be dumb. My friend won't answer my calls. Should I have said "fat cow" instead?

Marv Ellis: Ahh, the age old "Ovine vs Bovine" question! Boy if I had a dime--- anyhow-- There are very serious issues when categorizing your friend's mothers in association with less than desirable (though tasty!) farm animals. First off, stating that your friend's mother is of the ovine persuasion puts her in a category of being shunned by two major religions known on this planet. Stating that she is of the bovine persuasion leads people to believe that she is prone to Mad Cows, or foot and mouth diseases. Either or could cast her in a negative light.
As my experience with overweight mothers has been limited to my ex mother-in-law, I can only offer this option: try calling her a "Demonsterative hurricane ball of hate force of evil". It's a universal outcry that has come to symbolize the anguish all men feel at the hands of Satan incarnate. Sure, you can throw out "Cruel" and "Vindictive" and "Smothering" and "Wish the blob would just drop dead" if you'd like, but "Demonsterative hurricane ball of hate force of evil" should sum it up nicely.
As far as your friend not answering the phone, maybe he / she is as dumb as her and doesn't know how to? Try to be compassionate and take all possibilities into consideration :)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COUNT by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hear that woman should carry pepper spray around with them in case of an attack. I was thinking of making my own with cayenne pepper. My question is, would it make the pain easier to take if I added a hint of lavender or perhaps rose? I’m not into hurting anyone but if I have to at least it won’t be totally unpleasant right?

MARV ELLIS: I'm assuming you were not born prior to the 80's as I have yet to see your face on a milk carton-- That said, I applaud your compassion. 4 out of 5 rapists and murderers polled have stated that they miss that the most from their victims. The other 20% cited money-- this economy has hit everyone hard.
This brings us to your ingenuity! Pepper spray is just a name, as it's not REALLY made up of pepper. It's made up of harsh chemicals that eat away at soft membranes causing excruciating pain to someone trying to end your life. (Gee, sounds like I have experience in the matter :P) Your concoction sounds like something I'd spray in my bathroom after eating chili, polish sausage, corndogs, salsa, broccoli, and a pound of cheese to bunch me up for a week after. As you can imagine, that turned out to be quite a lingering odor!!! 
So here's my advise, seeing as you have a bleeding heart death wish-- stay inside your home and manufacture your new product "Extreme Odor Deatherizer!", become a multimillionaire, and order out for all your meals. That way you'll never have to worry about being out in public with all us--- er, them murderers and rapists that you don't want to hurt. :) 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

WHEELCHAIR FRIENDLY? by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently I became friends with someone who is in a wheelchair. Does this mean I can’t make fun of the disabled anymore?

MARV ELLIS: Well first off, we have to define the word "Disabled". My dictionary is at the shop for a tune up, so I called my friend Dick Johnson at the Division of Definitions in Peoria. According to Dick, the term "Disabled" is subjective to say the least. One person may feel you have to be in a coma with no arms or legs before being so much as partially "Disabled". Another person may just think you have to listen to Kenny G. His advice, if you still want to make fun of disabled people, is to become a full fledged member of the Republican Party. Then you can make fun of your friend in the wheelchair calling him / her a "Lazy Bastard" for wanting to be wheeled around instead of getting off his / her fat ass and walking like the rest of us!! And to top it off, you don't have to worry if you offend fat, lazy bastards, cuz it's not like they're going to chase you down and beat you to a pulp or something-- they're fat, lazy bastards.

Monday, November 28, 2011

SMALL TOWN HICK OR REDNECK by Marv Ellis

Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I design websites for a living. I just finished the design of a web site with super cool fonts and graphics. I showed it to my client and he said he didn't like it. So I said what the hell do you know. Your just a small town hick. He got mad and asked for his money back. Was I supposed to call him a redneck? I don't know how things work in the back woods.

Marv Ellis: I don't know how things work in the back woods either, so I sent my Amish friend Billy Joe Jedidiah Jacob undercover to investigate. He reported back to me a couple days ago with this e-mail:
Billy Joe Jedidiah Jacob
GO BUTTER TILLERS!!!!!!!!
OK, so I've taught him how to use a mouse and send an e-mail-- next step, the keyboard! So I drove over to his barn to see what he came up with. Here's what he had to say:"Well, I recon that fella perturbed that other fella by callin him a "Hick". Seems that mighta been acceptable practice back in the 60's or even early 70's before everyone got all "Touchy-Feely" about how they's bein addressed! When they's moved on to "Redneck", well, they's still feelin mighty slighted by the reference, so they all got together and settled on a term that they's can all live with. I waited with breathless anticipation-- no, seriously, I did-- I SWEAR!!! "Seems the term "Rose-Tinted Vertebrates" is what they recon they's wants to be called from now on! It's references a sweet smellin flower, and somewhat includes them in the human race.  WHAT!?!?!?!? I screamed! INCLUDE BACKWOODS HICKS IN THE HUMAN RACE!?!?!?! ARE YOU NUTS!?!?!?
Geez, what's next I thought?? Include comedians in the human race too!? What in God's name is this world coming to??????

Thursday, November 24, 2011

IT'S WHATS FOR DINNER by Logan Lee

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I over heard my boss talking to his wife about having eggplant for dinner. I really love eggplant. Could I just show up at this house around dinnertime and act like I was invited. He doesn’t have such a great memory & I’ll bring a package of cool-aid to make it look like it was my contribution. 

LOGAN LEE: Well, eggplants usually cost less than $5 so if you have a job and transportation you shouldn’t need to scam your way into a meal. Also, there are several ways to ruin eggplant so there’s no guarantee it will taste good. 
If you do decide to trick your senile boss into feeding you, it would be appropriate to bring something more substantial than a package of Kool-Aid. You should at least have the courtesy of preparing the Aid before you arrive (water is free)!

In addition to being an awkward houseguest, you could face home invasion charges for using a false premise to enter their home. So if you’re looking at $5 for your own eggplant or 10 years with Butch turning you inside out, it really just depends on how lonely you are! 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

WORKERS COMP by Logan Lee

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I got hurt on the job but don’t feel like going to the Dr. because they are so expensive. My sister is a vet and offered to x-ray me and put me on painkillers for dogs. Do you think I have to pay her for this? 


LOGAN LEE: Well there’s a fantastic thing called workers compensation which means that if you get hurt at work, even if it’s your fault, they have to pay for your doctor and medication! I suggest going to see a human doctor since they are more capable of addressing your needs, especially if it relates to your tail or snout. You’ll also avoid a mandatory neutering! 
If you decide to use your vet sister as your primary care physician you will not be required to pay her for her services. It would be illegal for her to practice medicine on a human and according to Ms. Manners you are not required to pay back ally doctors for their services and may even blackmail them for future free procedures! Make sure she puts those bows behind your ears!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

HAIR-LICIOUS by Logan Lee

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that peanut butter is loaded with protein and that protein is good for your hair? So I used it as a shampoo but it seemed a bit greasy. Do you think it was the brand I used? Also, I should wear a hat when I leave the house to ward off a squirrel attack? I mean I hear they love peanuts. Is that an old wives tale and they’re getting a bum wrap? 

LOGAN LEE: You are quite right; peanut butter does have a high protein content, however, like all other foods you need to eat it with your mouth in order to absorb all its nutrients. Rubbing peanut butter in your hair does moisturize but in no way cleans it and should not be left in when you leave the house. In technical terms you can’t use it as a shampoo but rather as a lubricant. Once your hair is peanut buttered you can feel free to stick your head between stair banister posts or perform an old-timey jailbreak! 
There’s no need to fear a squirrel attack while you have peanut butter on your head, as squirrels are raw-foodists and are uninterested in peanuts in processed forms. However, you are likely to be a victim of their pointed ridicule! Neighborhood squirrels will most likely gather to gawk at you for using over processed/high fat forms of the legume! They are notorious for their harassment of people who are slaves to the big nut corporations! 

Monday, November 21, 2011

GRAND CANYON BOUND by Logan Lee

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friend is in a wheelchair but she only has MS. Why doesn’t she get up, it’s not like she’s paralyzed. Should I hide her chair? I told my mother that I was thinking of this and she said I’m being insensitive. I think I might be doing her a favor. What do you think?


LOGAN LEE: While I applaud your advocacy for physical fitness and pushing your friend to her athletic peak, though in this case she’d be better off in the wheelchair. Your friend has been given the ultimate life accessory! Let me explain; accessories have been proven to give the wearer perks, for example a watch lets you tell time, a diaper lets you pee your pants, and a set of giant black plastic glasses allow you to infiltrate the hipster clan undetected! 
The handicapable community has their own accessories, and a wheelchair is firmly atop that list! Crutches are cool if you’re in high school and sprained your ankle; they’re a great way to get attention. However, as an adult the novelty wears off and you realize that person’s ailment can probably be cured with ice. Prosthetics, while a miracle, are usually hidden requiring the wearer to point it out like a douche to get sympathy. Where as a wheelchair receives instant sympathy garnering unsolicited favors from strangers as well as free rides from people and gravity! 
Video:If you have the ability to splurge on your wheeled mobility device I suggest you get a motorized wheelchair! Not only will you not have to worry about having appropriate upper body strength but as long as your battery has juice you can travel on any level surface you want! They even have chairs straight out of “Transformers” that will put you in a standing position if you are no longer able to rely on your muscles to do so…or just did a bunch of lunges! 
Also, due to the nature of your friend’s disease if you were to get her standing and walking around, her brain might not be able to send the signal that she is supposed to continue standing thus leaving her to fall into a number of dangerous scenarios. There’s also a chance her balance is effected and at any minute the wall could become the floor!
Best to just leave all healthcare/handicapable style decisions between your friend and her doctor!

Friday, November 18, 2011

HANDI-CAPPABLE by Stirling Gardner


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My mother needs a wheelchair to get around so she has a handicap sticker for the car. The other day she asked me if I would go to the mall to pick some things up for her. So I took the sticker & went to the mall. Some idiot lady yelled at me for using the handicap parking. I said, “You idiot, it’s for my handicap mother. She said well then where the hell is she? I said at home I’m getting something for her. She said your not suppose to use those unless your handicapped. I yelled, “Well she is”. She then threatens to call security if I didn’t get in my car and move. So I did and as soon as she was in the mall I backed my car into her’s. Sheezzee, what a dope… right?

Stirling Gardner: Is that your question? You spend all that time setting up this story to ask me if I think this lady is a dope? I think everyone’s a dope. You’re a dope, she’s a dope, everyone’s a dope dope. Old McDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o. and on his farm he had a chick that set up a really long situation to finally get to a question that is inane and stupid, e-i-e-i-o.  With a dope dope here and a dope dope there, here a dope, there a dope, everywhere a dope dope.  Speaking of dopes, I’d like to let you know that your mother is not crippled and actually doesn’t need a wheelchair. She’s just manipulative and lazy and wants to make you get shit for her. This has been true since you were born. Who’s the dope now???

Thursday, November 17, 2011

EVICTION by Stirling Gardner

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently, my landlord served an eviction notice on me. It’s for failing to pay rent for the past year. I told him 6 months ago that I didn’t have the money. My question is, do you think he’s hard of hearing? He is old so … Oh and do I have to leave? If I do, do you think he could store my stuff until I find a place?


Stirling Gardner: Actually, I happen to be a landlord myself so I can answer this with no problems. He is not hard of hearing. He is currently entering your apartment when you aren’t home and rooting through your underwear drawer looking for your “period panties” – the ones you wear one weekend a month. I he then takes them and stores them in his oven where he bakes panty cakes and sells them on eBay. He can make way more $$ than you pay in rent so it’s in his best interest not to kick you out.
Just search eBay under “slacker tenant underwear pastry” – you’ll find it.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL ny Stirling Gardner


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I found $50 in my husband’s car and I think it belongs to him. I took it and spent it, on lunch with my boyfriend. Was that considered stealing? I’m a Christian and I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

Stirling Gardner: That’s the beautiful thing about being a Christian – you can never do the wrong thing. You can be a one-eyed serial killer having sex with and chopping up autistic toddlers your entire life, but so long as you take Christ as your savior before you kick the bucket yourself, you are not wrong. It’s convenient as hell. Pun intended.
As for the $50, what did your BF have for lunch? This is an important consideration, because if it made him sick and you can reclaim any of that food, then no. If he ate it all down and crapped it out on your chest, it also negates the thievery because you are in fact, a whore that loves scat and then it’s even-steven.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

HISTORY REPEAT'S ITSELF by Stirling Gardner

Stirling Gardner
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that they did a lot of coke in the 70's. Can you define a LOT? And I hear history repeats itself so, where should I be when the 70’s repeats it self?


Stirling Gardner: It seems to me that what you are really asking for here is to star in the real life remake of Scarface. Maybe make it a reality show set in current day Miami, but instead of hanging out with someone cool, like a young Al Pacino, you have to do blow with David Caruso, the weirdest redheaded mother fucker on earth. You guys can snort bath tubs full of cocaine, look at each other, remove your sunglasses and say some less-then-witty catchphrase like, “That’s why… pelicans are pink!” before the title sequence rips into The Who song now being covered for you lame show by Justin Beiber. So yeah, a lot = the size of Joe Paterno’s balls for not reporting a molestation crime. And make it Miami. They have terrific Cuban sandwiches.

Monday, November 14, 2011

THE LITTLE BLUE PILL by Stirling Gardner

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why am I the only one with a brain?
STIRLING: Because you took the blue pill, you moron. Everyone else knew to take the red pill, but you had to be different. Had to separate yourself from the crowd. Well, guess what? Turns out you are indeed the only one with a brain, but you have to hang out with you, your ass and your elbow, while the rest of us bandy about in ignorant brainless bliss. Good luck with that fellowship grant.

BRAINS by Stirling Gardner


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Why am I the only one with a brain?
STIRLING GARDNER: Because you took the blue pill, you moron. Everyone else knew to take the red pill, but you had to be different. Had to separate yourself from the crowd. Well, guess what? Turns out you are indeed the only one with a brain, but you have to hang out with you, your ass and your elbow, while the rest of us bandy about in ignorant brainless bliss. Good luck with that fellowship grant.

Friday, November 11, 2011

ECO FRIENDLY by Merc the Coms


DEAR STUPID ASS QUESTIONS: Someone broke into my house and stole all my earrings. I hate the thought of going to work without any. I just feel naked. How do you think it would look if I stick some painted macaroni noodles to my ears with double sided tape?
MERC THE COMS: That would be stupid. I don’t think you should do it. That's some junk a child would do. What’s wrong with you? -Rodmerc
Bad. -Nikmerc

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

IMPORTANT EMAIL by Merc the Coms


DEAR STUPID ASS QUESTIONS: I just got an important email from Barak Obama! I had no idea he even knew I existed. Do you think that we are pen pals? I signed up to be pen pals with someone while I was in high school, maybe it was him. Maybe he'll hire me as the new vice president! I'm so excited that he wrote me!!! Should I quit my job right away? I want to be ready to go when he calls me to the oval office. Maybe I should pack now. Wait… first should I write back and see when he wants me to leave?
MERC THE COMS: Don’t mess with that dude. Just don’t mess with that dude.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

FREE ADVICE by Merc the Coms


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m a counselor and when people find out they are always asking me for free advice. It drives me nuts. Should I tell them that I lost my hearing? I could buy fake hearing aids on Ebay and wear them. Then, when people start in I could just keep yelling out "WHAT?! WHATTT?!"
MERC THE COMS: As a counselor you shouldn't be asking other people for advice.
StupidAssQuestions.com

Monday, November 7, 2011

S'ING THE D OF TPTB by Merc the Coms


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m new to this country and recently I’ve heard much talk about day light savings time.  Do you know why they are saving it and where do they keep it?

MERC THE COMS: As Professional Bad Coms Mercs, we merc Bad Coms. If said Bad Coms is S’ing the D of TPTB, we will merc them out. The whole Daylight Savings Time is clearly the work of TPTB.