Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was watching a movie in which a man turned into a wolf when a full moon was in the sky. He then roamed about looking for an unsuspecting person walking around alone. If I go out should I use a wheelchair?
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Kenny: Well now, there's a question we can certainly sink our teeth into. I mean, "relax, relax, you've come to the right place". We do occassionally get questions of this nature and are fortunate to have a crack team of experts at our disposal for these chance queries. I spoke first with my friend, The Boogie Man(he plays a mean sax down at the Spooky Oboe), and he referred me to Count Smirnof. Which was a total waste of time since he sleeps all day and he's never home at night. So I then went to the authority of authorities on these monster/walking dead/dismemberment issues. Yep, I ran straight home to my Mummy! She informs me that using the wheel chair or any other walking device will make no difference to the monster or his appetite. She also reported that the ONLY thing that will keep the beasts at bay is ,,, get this, if they have braces on their teeth! Apparently these animals don't like getting entrails and the like stuck in their expensive dental work. Who'd of guessed? The best way to remain safe on a full moon is to stay inside and for heaven's sake stop watching those ghastly films. Try some Bugs Bunny or perhaps a Streisand flick. Even with that being said I'd still keep the doors and windows locked, wear some garlic, and of course look under your bed before you climb in it! Hope that helped and dismember, 'er I mean remember you can call us anytime you're frightened. You big 'fraidy cat, neener, neener, neener...