Tuesday, May 22, 2012

WINE & COKE DIET by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I just read an article that red wine can help you lose weight. Apparently it interferes in the fat cell growth. It says the more you drink, the more you could lose. Heroin also helps to lose weight. Should I combine the 2 and speed up the process?

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JOSEPH CONKLIN: Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, Your first mistake was reading an article. Who reads articles anymore - Seriously, have you never heard of Youtube?? Your Second mistake is that its Zinfandel out of a box, not Red Wine that has an effect on lazy weight.  And for the record, it doesn’t actually have any effect on the growth of a Fat Cell as much as it gets the cell drunk and thinking it looks better than it actually does. Heroin on the other hand has a much different effect on fat cells; giving them dope will just make your cells write really really great music…but only as long as they are not compromised by any vaginal cells who will without doubt talk them out of their habit and then next thing you know your fat cells will be doing Burger King commercials, which is exactly the kind of thing that got you in this situation in the first place. Now, combining Zinfandel and Heroin is only going to cause your fat cells to die tragically at the age of 27 and to be honest, that’s getting really old ya know? Crystal Meth is a way more proven solution in a situation such as yours in which there seems to be no reasonably available approach to getting your fat cells off the couch such as employment or outside the trailer activities.  Zinfandel and Crystal Meth is your only way to lose weight and not miss the daytime talk shows, plus I’m sure it will also end up being way more socially acceptable in your mobile neighborhood – where red wine swilling heroin based hipsters are never welcome.   
You’re Welcome tho…

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