Wednesday, May 30, 2012

IT'S THE LAW by Marv Ellis

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I recently moved to America and find they have all kinds of rules like... changing your smoke alarm batteries when day light savings time hits. I think this is dumb because I just put batteries in my smoke alarm but I don't want to be arrested. Do you think I could take batteries out of the pack in the store and put my old ones in the package? The batteries are still good.

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MARV: Welcome to America! I hope you didn't come from Mexico for a job, as we just shipped all of ours there. As to the legality of being arrested for smoke alarm batteries, I did some checking. According to U.S. penal statute 1w3r563.997LoL69, paragraph 419, subsection J, amendment C, which referred me to page 3394 of the UCMJ, paragraph 9, sentence 5, which referred me to-- something else, I just gave up and went next door to ask my police officer neighbor about it, to which I got the reply "We couldn't give a rat's a$$ about your batteries! We've got rapists and pedophiles and murderers!". And, I noted, people that drive too fast, don't use their turn signals, and bump into other cars. God they are sticklers for that! Anyhow, don't get your panties in a wad about the batteries, you're safe! Rip the tag off your mattress however, and you will face the needle!

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