Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Used Tombstone for Sale by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I found a used tombstone for sale with the name of Homer Hendlebergenheinzel chizzled on it. Do you think I should have my name changed? I mean cuz once I’m dead who cares.

KEVIN: It’s hard to answer your question, as you did not give me your current name.  How am I to know whether Homer Hendlebergenheinzel is a step up or down from the name you have now? If you have a first name like Anfernee, Jeri or Dewayne then it would be nice to finally have a name that is spelled correctly. On the other hand if you have a cool sounding name like Dick Swingswell you don’t want to give that up for anything. You may want to make a change if you have a last name that can easily be made fun of and ridiculed. That’s the advice I actually gave to my friends Jim Redanus and Bobby Flagina. You also may want to make the change if you share a last name with someone who has brought shame to the world.   Like if your last name was Mussolini, Dahmer or Palin. But maybe changing your name would help improve your current situation.  Maybe you’re a deadbeat dad, or maybe you have a hundred unpaid parking tickets.   Maybe whomever Homer Hendlebergenheinzel was has some unclaimed money somewhere.  Or maybe his widow is really hot. It was William Shakespeare who said “What’s in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name wouldn’t smell as sweet.”  That’s easy for him to say.  His name was William Shakespeare not Lenny Nipplesniffer.

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