Thursday, August 4, 2011

Ebay or Amazon? by Kevin Bartini

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My husband died and only got to enjoy his new dentures a month. Do you think I could sell them on Ebay or is Amazon 

KEVIN: I am sorry for your loss.  I hope you’ve found comfort that your husband lived his last month of life enjoying his brand new dentures.   I pity the man who goes to his grave with last seasons dentures. Now that a respectable amount of time has passed it’s down to business.  I’m guessing that the dearly departed left you set up on the lousy side financially.   Otherwise why would you bother trying to sell his teeth?  This means it’s total liquidation sale time.  Stop payment on the head stone.   Let’s get to work on a plan for a complete vulture sale. When it comes to selling off used dentures unfortunately Ebay and Amazon are total dicks.  They say that it is “a matter of public health”.  Besides, no two people have the same mouth so the dentures won’t fit. But that doesn’t mean that we have come to a dead end.  There are other avenues available.  Memorabilia collectors.  If there is any chance that your husband was famous his dentures may fetch a pretty penny.  You wouldn’t believe what collectors go for.  Right now there is a bidding war going on for Amy Wineouse’s breast implants.   I also know a guy bought the cufflinks Michael Landon was buried with. Even if your late husband isn’t famous there is still a way to turn those pearly whites into good old greenback.  You can sell them to sexual deviants. Forget Ebay and Amazon.  It’s time to head over to Craigslist. Craigslist is full of all kinds of depraved perverts.   Sure some of them claim they are trying to sell a futon.  But you now what the are really looking for.  It makes me sick. If you can’t even sell the dentures to the perverts then there is one last ditch effort that is guaranteed to work.  You are going to want to grind the dentures up into a fine white powder and sell them off on the corner disguised as cocaine.   I would, if I were you sell it at a grade school.  Kids that age don’t know what good coke is yet anyway. 

 Yours in Christ,

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