Monday, August 1, 2011
The Cable Guy by Kevin Bartini
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: A guy knocked on my door and said he was there to put in cable tv. After I let him in he said, “Hey dude, I’ll install it all for free if you give me $100.00”. So I did. He said he’d be right back as he had to go get all his equipment. That was a few days ago. Do you think he forgot where he parked?
Dear Cable Guy (Not Larry) If you live anywhere like my neighborhood his truck was no doubt towed. In the time it took him to walk to your door and talk to you they, I am sure ticketed his car, loaded it onto a flatbed, hauled it to a lot seventeen sketchy blocks from the nearest subway stop and keyed his doors for good measure. I am sure that he is at the impound lot right now. The $100 cash he had on him would have been nowhere near the cost to get the his cable truck off of the rig. Never mind enough to cover the storage fees, the parking fees, the screw you because I said so fees and the taxes. In order to cover the costs he would no doubt have had to surrender his person over to the impound lot and then be sold into white slavery. No doubt he has been a high commodity as he will have been fresh to the sexual slave meat market. When not servicing sordid needs of every truck driver, car dealer and Republican Congressman in a hundred mile radius. He will be rented out to kids parties in a Buzz Lightyear costume. Unfortunately for you, an innocent victim you are in for a bit more inconvenience. You see each day that he is turning tricks then moonlighting at the impound lots customer service desk his truck is sitting there accruing more fees. It won’t be until once used and spent that he will finally be turned over to a back alley abortionist who will remove and broker the sale of his kidney s to cover the last of the fees. Bandaged and given a rag doused in ether he will then be free to return to your apartment and hook you up. We can only hope that he will get back to installing your cable before heading home to reconnect with his wife and her “it’s time to movie on” new husband. Hang in there friend. I feel for you. I know the hell that is not having TV to watch.