Friday, August 5, 2011
Pigs in a Blanket by Kevin Bartini
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was at a wedding recently and a man came up to me and said, “When you dance it looks like two pigs wrestling underneath a blanket”. Should I be flattered?
KEVIN: Dear Pig in a Blanket, Of course you should be flattered. Two pigs wrestling underneath a blanket is among the highest forms of art in some cultures. That’s a fact I learned from watching Sarah Palin’s Alaska. These day’s the rest of the world looks down on the “art form” with as much contempt as a velvet painting of Elvis. But two pigs wrestling under a blanket, like the velvet Elvis remains very popular with inbred yokels. Back in the days of traveling minstrels, two pigs wrestling underneath a blanket was known as the money shot. That’s the act that got Maw and Paw to put down their wittlin’ sticks for the evening and drop a sawbuck on a gander at this ballet of the swine. In days before the internet or even dial up, our forefathers watched two pigs wrestle under a blanket to get horny. They were able to imagine that the two forms amorously rutting underneath a nice quilt was none other then the enchanting milk wench from the local dairy and the most famous woman in America, Mrs. Grover Cleveland. I’ve seen pictures of the first lady and I’m guessing that that milk wench must have been super hot. Anyway now that you know that you have been complimented it is only proper that you compliment your suitor in kind. Tell him that he is sexier then three goats showering behind a curtain of gingham.