Monday, August 8, 2011
Amish Mafia by Marv Ellis
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Recently I went to a farmers market and while there I noticed the Amish were making a ton of cash. Do you think I could glue on a beard and sell potatoes from our local supermarket and say I grew them? They are buy one get one. Oh and do you think they’ll notice I’m a girl?
That's a good question, as it stumped even me! So I smoke signalled my Amish friend Billy Joe Jedidiah Jacob and here's what he told me-- He said you better watch your toes on this one! The farmers market is a just a front for the Amish mafia, The Cornholios! They've been known to break arms, legs, skulls and anything else they can get their pitchforks on to protect their territory! They have even been rumored to have branched out and cut break lines in people's cars-- though I'm not sure exactly how they figgered out how to do that. They must have looked it up on the internet. You may have an edge though, as The Cornholios seem to be concentrating on the tomato / cucumber / pie money laundering market-- and have yet to venture into potatoes.So yes, go buy one and get one in the potato market and give it a go at the farmers market! Glue a beard on, hope they don't notice you're a woman because if they do-- you'll be forced into hard labor for being a woman that makes money-- like churning butter for 16 hours a day!