Thursday, December 1, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: My friend's mother just had gastric bypass surgery. I said "That's great your mother won't look like a fat pig anymore but she'll still be dumb. My friend won't answer my calls. Should I have said "fat cow" instead?
Marv Ellis: Ahh, the age old "Ovine vs Bovine" question! Boy if I had a dime--- anyhow-- There are very serious issues when categorizing your friend's mothers in association with less than desirable (though tasty!) farm animals. First off, stating that your friend's mother is of the ovine persuasion puts her in a category of being shunned by two major religions known on this planet. Stating that she is of the bovine persuasion leads people to believe that she is prone to Mad Cows, or foot and mouth diseases. Either or could cast her in a negative light.
As my experience with overweight mothers has been limited to my ex mother-in-law, I can only offer this option: try calling her a "Demonsterative hurricane ball of hate force of evil". It's a universal outcry that has come to symbolize the anguish all men feel at the hands of Satan incarnate. Sure, you can throw out "Cruel" and "Vindictive" and "Smothering" and "Wish the blob would just drop dead" if you'd like, but "Demonsterative hurricane ball of hate force of evil" should sum it up nicely.
As far as your friend not answering the phone, maybe he / she is as dumb as her and doesn't know how to? Try to be compassionate and take all possibilities into consideration :)