Tuesday, November 15, 2011


Stirling Gardner
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I heard that they did a lot of coke in the 70's. Can you define a LOT? And I hear history repeats itself so, where should I be when the 70’s repeats it self?

Stirling Gardner: It seems to me that what you are really asking for here is to star in the real life remake of Scarface. Maybe make it a reality show set in current day Miami, but instead of hanging out with someone cool, like a young Al Pacino, you have to do blow with David Caruso, the weirdest redheaded mother fucker on earth. You guys can snort bath tubs full of cocaine, look at each other, remove your sunglasses and say some less-then-witty catchphrase like, “That’s why… pelicans are pink!” before the title sequence rips into The Who song now being covered for you lame show by Justin Beiber. So yeah, a lot = the size of Joe Paterno’s balls for not reporting a molestation crime. And make it Miami. They have terrific Cuban sandwiches.

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