Wednesday, November 16, 2011

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL ny Stirling Gardner

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I found $50 in my husband’s car and I think it belongs to him. I took it and spent it, on lunch with my boyfriend. Was that considered stealing? I’m a Christian and I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

Stirling Gardner: That’s the beautiful thing about being a Christian – you can never do the wrong thing. You can be a one-eyed serial killer having sex with and chopping up autistic toddlers your entire life, but so long as you take Christ as your savior before you kick the bucket yourself, you are not wrong. It’s convenient as hell. Pun intended.
As for the $50, what did your BF have for lunch? This is an important consideration, because if it made him sick and you can reclaim any of that food, then no. If he ate it all down and crapped it out on your chest, it also negates the thievery because you are in fact, a whore that loves scat and then it’s even-steven.

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