Wednesday, November 30, 2011


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I hear that woman should carry pepper spray around with them in case of an attack. I was thinking of making my own with cayenne pepper. My question is, would it make the pain easier to take if I added a hint of lavender or perhaps rose? I’m not into hurting anyone but if I have to at least it won’t be totally unpleasant right?

MARV ELLIS: I'm assuming you were not born prior to the 80's as I have yet to see your face on a milk carton-- That said, I applaud your compassion. 4 out of 5 rapists and murderers polled have stated that they miss that the most from their victims. The other 20% cited money-- this economy has hit everyone hard.
This brings us to your ingenuity! Pepper spray is just a name, as it's not REALLY made up of pepper. It's made up of harsh chemicals that eat away at soft membranes causing excruciating pain to someone trying to end your life. (Gee, sounds like I have experience in the matter :P) Your concoction sounds like something I'd spray in my bathroom after eating chili, polish sausage, corndogs, salsa, broccoli, and a pound of cheese to bunch me up for a week after. As you can imagine, that turned out to be quite a lingering odor!!! 
So here's my advise, seeing as you have a bleeding heart death wish-- stay inside your home and manufacture your new product "Extreme Odor Deatherizer!", become a multimillionaire, and order out for all your meals. That way you'll never have to worry about being out in public with all us--- er, them murderers and rapists that you don't want to hurt. :) 

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