Friday, June 1, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Sometimes I just don't feel like taking a shower but my hair needs a good washing. I am big on conserving water... could I just shampoo it in my water saving toilet?  I figure 2 flushes would rinse it good and my toilet uses under a gallon a flush... much better than an entire shower and its just water so....

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MARV: Wait-- are you telling me that you want to give yourself a time honored, bully  preferred "Swirly"!? With all the out of work bullies in America today!? HECK NO!!! Thanks to those bleeding heart liberals banning this treasured American tradition, there are bullies all over the country that are out of sorts, and very sad, that they cannot practice their craft anymore. This is where you come to the rescue! Just go down to your local biker-bar, walk in the door and say "I got too used to getting bullied in high school, and lately I've been missing it! Would someone in here be willing to give me a swirly!?" Then, and this is where it gets good, you pull a Huck Finn or Tow Sawyer-- whoever was the rat bastard that got kids to pay him money to paint a fence, and tell them they have to pay you $50 to do it! You can be a bully release, make some cash, and have the cleanest, shiniest hair on the planet! Just be sure and provide clothes pins or some other form of nostril clogs to the bullies on the days you don't feel like showering, as it's the nice thing to do. :)

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