Thursday, June 14, 2012

JAIL BIRD by Lucy Horton

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’m 80 years old and I love going to the park to feed the birds. On a recent outing to feed my feathered friends I was surrounded by a swat team and arrested. When I asked why I was being arrested they said, "Because you’re feeding the birds bread". Was I feeding them the wrong kind of bread? Are birds into artisan bread? I'm old and on a budget and eat cat food myself so I can't go overboard.

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Lucy: Dear Jail Bird, I’m no expert, but after a quick Google search, I learned that while delicious, bread is not an appropriate food for birds, much like McDonald’s French fries are not appropriate for children. So, unless you want Jamie Oliver’s crazy-ass, card-carrying PETA member cousin coming after you, I’d cease and desist with the bread. If there was a sign that clearly read something like, “Feeding the Birds is Punishable by Law,” then you’re gonna have to suck it up and do the time, old man. I’m curious about why you mentioned your age, by the way. Do you think you shouldn’t have been arrested because you’re old? Are you claiming some sort of hardship like when I mention my three toddlers and lack of income to get out of jury duty? Lady Justice doesn’t care how old you are. She just wants her pound of flesh. You won’t have to worry about running into Rudy Eugene in prison, though, so one pound of flesh is all that you’ll have to sacrifice. Just mind your P’s and Q’s on the inside. And stay away from the pigeons in the yard. I hear they carry itty bitty shivs. 

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