Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: This winter has been so cold that my heat was constantly on. Because of this my hair has gotten extremely dry and also seems to be falling out. Can I sue my electric company?
NICK: Dear Sir --- I don't know if you can but sue anyway. Who cares? Robbers, murderers and kidnappers sue their victims all the time, and they're terrible people. You're just a spoiled brat that can't handle a little baldness in December. The worst that can possibly happen? Judge Judy yelling at you on national television. My "Judy Judy-Appearance" advice to incite sympathy: when they fly you out for Judge Judy do NOT stay in the nice hotel they will provide for you. Go sleep on a park bench somewhere in the Bronx next to a questionable man with a large cooler (though don't complain to the homeless about your heating issue). To win this case, you need to look as terrible as possible. It wouldn't hurt to roll into the courtroom in a wagon or talk with a stutter. Yes, these are completely unrelated to your heat problem but that doesn't matter. It would help if you could find some BEFORE pictures as well, or maybe some former partners who can vouch that you used to be much better looking. Basically, character/hair witnesses.
Also, talk AROUND the issue. Go watch ol' George Bush Jr answer questions about Weapons of Mass Destructions. Take notes. Before long you'll have enough money for a wig or a scrunchie or something. Of course, your dignity will be lost forever. Having said that, I really support you in this one. I think I'm going to sue my mom for having me under the Pisces sign. It's the lamest sign on the calendar. She couldn't have had me a day or two earlier? How beautiful would my life be as an Aquarius?!