Thursday, August 16, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I Am Amish but secretly bought an iphone. I use it to look up porn and to also buy candy and beer. If my parents find out I will be banished. Do you think the Lord would frown upon this? The apple was in the Garden of Eden, which is why I chose the iphone over all others. I picked (pun intended) the iphone and will only use apple products. So are we good?
RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC: I’m a big fan of Apple products myself. Although I do become extremely scornful when I purchase the Ipad 2 for $499 and the next day, the new Ipad HD comes out for the same $499 I just paid for my Ipad 2, which is now almost an antique. Apple still offers my tired old Ipad 2 but for the bargain price of $399. So I wallow in self-pity about how much candy and beer I could have ordered online for that one hundred dollars.
You need to be careful what you use as a shipping address when ordering candy and beer. Telling the UPS man that it’s the house with the wagon wheel doesn’t really narrow it down. I would also caution you to make sure that when you sneak to your city neighbor’s house to plug into an outdoor outlet when they are not home, they do not mistake you for a burglar. Many city folks are quite thrilled to help an Amish person corrupt their lives with technology. You may find that if you knock on their door and say, “Hello, I have an Iphone and I’m Amish, and I have no place to plug it in to charge it” you maybe surprisingly invited in for a beer and a slutty film on Netflix.
As far as downloading porn into your Iphone, you’re just inviting a virus to cripple your network. I think you should ask Siri if God would frown upon your use on an iphone.