Friday, August 3, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I love eating high fiber bean soup and then washing it down with 32 oz of coffee... Should I be worried?"
Kelley: No, but your neighbors should be. As you know, beans make you "toot", and coffee takes care of what comes next. With a diet such as this, the constant smell permeating off of you could be alarming for anyone who is in your general area. The solution is two-fold: Get a job working as a bathroom attendant; and rent out a large port-o-potty as an apartment to live in. At work, you can eat all the beans and drink all the coffee you want, and fart up a storm. It's a public bathroom. It stinks like poop. No one will suspect it's YOUR poop. When you go home, you will literally ALWAYS be in a bathroom and never have to worry about "running to the toilet" ever again. Plus, you will save hundreds of dollars on rent, and you can steal all the toilet paper you want from work to bring home to your port-o-potty apartment. Invest in Lysol.