Monday, August 13, 2012
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Do you think God would send an Amish person to Hell if they were to injure someone with a pitchfork? Because I think my friend just did. Should I tell my friend to say they fell on it? Please help. This pitchfork was made by Amish hands… the hands of God, well basically.
RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC: I am extremely skeptical of your whole story starting with the Amish made pitchfork. The Amish don’t have any steel factories; check the pitchfork handle for an ACE Hardware logo or “Made in Taiwan”. You don’t seem to be a credible witness (pun intended) either your friend injured someone with a pitchfork or they didn’t. No real in between on the pitchfork stabbing. I’d like to hear from the alleged victim as I’m confident the stabee is 100% sure if they were injured or not. If in fact your Amish friend did injure someone with a pitchfork we must determine if it was premeditated or a farming chore gone horribly wrong. If it was an accident, it is critical that your Amish friend (let’s call him Pitchfork Yoder) apologizes to the alleged victim. If it was an accident and Pitchfork Yoder apologized to the alleged victim and the alleged victim did not accept the apology, the victim becomes the foolish one. If you tell your friend to lie about falling on the pitchfork instead of saying that he was stabbed, there is a slight chance that you yourself could wind up in Hell while Pitchfork Yoder and the alleged victim are both forgiven. I also want to add a disclaimer here saying that I am not an official representative of God, and I would never take it upon myself to decide who is going to Hell and who is not. I believe that people who take the responsibility of assigning Hell onto others risk being sent to Hell themselves. I am also not 100% sure that Hell exists. It is possible that Hell is a fictitious place created solely for the purpose of scaring us into behaving nicely and learning to live without stabbing our friends with pitchforks and trying to get our friends to lie about it and say it was an accident and pretending that a pitchfork which was probably made in Taiwan is in fact Amish made. The moral of the story is that some people just can’t handle their pitchforks and should stick with a plastic rake from the your cousin’s son’s Playtime Beach Bucket.