Tuesday, August 14, 2012

AMISH DEFECTOR by Raymond the Amish Comic

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am Amish but I see the Mennonites get to do more stuff. Like use cars. Would it be wrong to switch to being a Mennonite?  They seem to be having more fun. Oh and also we have Amish people who live near us. Is it wrong of me to sneak up and look in their windows? I am sure they are using electrical appliances and I want to catch them. And who should report them to? 

Size does matter so click picture to enlarge

RAYMOND the AMISH COMIC: You can’t call yourself Amish if you are thinking of joining the Mennonites. This is an Amish outrage. You can’t like The Eagles, The Giants and The Cowboys. You align yourself with one and the rest become enemies. The Amish and The Mennonites are like the Sharks and the Jets without all the dancing, singing, and flamboyant costumes. Also, don’t assume The Mennonites would be anxious to accept an Amish defector. You can’t just flip-flop back and fourth from one to the other. The Amish and The Mennonites are highly exclusive religious cults. They are not Mormons ding-donging at your doorbell trying to recruit new followers. The Amish and The Mennonites don’t even want some of them they have now, hence shunning, which translates to, “Your membership privileges have been temporarily suspended pending a review from the board of conduct”.

It is true that the Mennonites have more fun that plugs in, but the Amish have Rumspringa*. If you have not yet had your Rumspringa break, you may want to take that time to go spy on the Mennonites (an activity you seem to have no problem with) and see how you like it. You risk having the most boring Rumspringa in the history of The Amish. 

As far as sneaking up and looking in their windows, it would be much easier to see if there are any electrical power lines running into their house. You may also be looking through a window of an Amish undercover agent; it could be a set up. You may be risking a shunning of your own in violation of the “judge ye not lest ye be judged” rule. It sounds like you are having the religious version of a sexual identity crisis. Maybe you want to sneak into town and try on some colorful shoes, but beware of someone just like you…watching!

*Rumspringa – A brilliant parental concept where although they know it’s wrong, the Amish acknowledge that everyone should have a few months to run around and get all manure faced on Sauerkraut Slammers, snort cocaine off of Biker chicks bottoms, and when they’re sick of having all that fun, come back and become good Christian farming citizens.

** Footnote to the footnote. I am currently celebrating my 37th year of Rumspringa with no immediate signs of going back anytime soon.

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