Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Question: The meth lab we opened in the city’s storm drain was recently shut down. They called what we were doing with highly-toxic, highly-addictive chemicals in a plastic bottle a one-pot or shake-and-bake method. Would we have been shut down if we used 2 pots & called it mix and stir?
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Forrest: I get this question all the time and I will give you the answer I have given the countless thousands who have asked me before you. Yes. There is a third option, though. A slightly less known solution that has been tried-tested and, at this point, is as legal as lollipops. Let me explain. You know what I like about cooking meth? I am sure I speak for everyone when I say the good old fashioned gettin’-it-done-atude. Being indoors in a damp smokey room, spending time with the kids and passing down the trade, cleaning the dentures we all need, and, most importantly, making quality product that not only am I proud to distribute but also that I am proud to pass around the Christmas table to really bring the family together.  It’s just magical. How do I get this done legally? I call it the “James Bond Meth-od.”  I make my meth shaken, not stirred. This may be confusing. I am sure you are asking, “What’s the third option? I’ve already tried shake and bake and got shut down!” The difference is that I don’t bake. I sell bags of the meth mixture and then I let the client do the baking. This absolves me of all legal liability and more importantly personal ethics. I just sell cough syrup mixed with rat poison to what I believe are fine upstanding business owners and children. What those junkies do with it is there demon. Maybe they have a cold and a rat problem.  That’s what I’m saying at the pearly gates. See you at the Chinese buffet parking lot; that’s my territory.

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