Monday, January 16, 2012


Dear Stupid Ass Questions: Was the movie, “Forest Gump” written about Forrest Haigh but his last name was changed to protect the innocent? 

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Forrest: You’ve just stumbled upon the greatest government secret of all time.  Crafty one you are. Who have you been in contact with? Tabitha? Did she tell you anything about the rendezvous? Did she make any comments about the quiche I brought? Good or bad? Don't answer that. You already know too much. Have you checked the lines for taps? My side is clear. OK. Tell me what you know?! Oh. Pulling the old “Not gonna say anything and wait for the other guy to make the first move” trick.  I've seen it once I've seen it a thousand times. I could counter with, ”Guy pretends that he gets a call and then must take that call so that he can slip away in a really awkward scenario” switch-a-maroo but I won't.  We're both gentlemen, for god's sake. I'll go first.

Its the the late 1990's. The project was code named “Pandas Be Shoppin'” or, on the streets, P.B.S..  PBS had employed a young janitor named Forrest Haigh. At least that's what we thought. We couldn't have  been more wrong. He was strong as ten men and could balance any number of things at once. He had so much beauty that it emitted light out of the top of his head so that, even though he had a long flowing mane of lochs so smooth and curly that he looked a brunnette disco ball, he forever looked bald and still somehow pulled it off. He's cool, this Forrest Haigh, and he had a secret. Yes, he was good at ping pong. Yes, he had seen the movie Forrest Gump. And finally he did know some one named Jennifer.  We even believe that it could sound like Jeni if said with the proper accent and dialect.  Could it be, my friend, that Forrest Haigh was written about Forrest Gump? We don't know. We haven't made up enough evidence as of yet but I'll tell you this - if he is what we think he is (and you better hope that he isn't), we are in for quite the treat. And you can write that down, SON!

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