Monday, January 30, 2012

AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT by Diane Kelly



Dear Stupid Ass Questions:  I heard on TV that woman who are pregnant are now covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act. Would it be dumb if I get pregnant so I too can get special treatment and premo parking?

Diane: It would be dumb not to!  Of course the downside to going this route is that you may be forced to pee on a stick to prove eligibility and you’ll only get nine months of benefits.  Once that baby is born, you’ll be back to parking at the end of the earth and trudging through pot-holed parking lots.  Of course breastfeeding that new baby can lead to saggy breasts, and if your boobs sag low enough that you trip over them you could re-qualify as disabled.    
Another option would be to have someone take a sledgehammer to your feet and “hobble” you like Kathy Bates did to James Caan in the movie “Misery.” What are a few months of excruciating pain compared to a lifetime of prime parking spots?  If you don’t own a sledgehammer, another option would be to have someone chop off some of your toes with an axe.  That’s what Clyde Barrow of Bonnie & Clyde did to get out of hard work detail at a Texas prison. These proven techniques can work for you, too!

6 comments:

Diana Layne said...

Ah, man, after six kids, I'm too old and worn out now to get pregnant again to qualify. :(

Diane Kelly said...

Six kids?!? Wow! Maybe exhaustion should count as a disability.

Angela said...

I've noticed (actually it was pointed out to me by several interested parties) that after 3 or 4 martinis my walking, talking, and chewing gum abilities are severely diminished. Is there a law allowing special priviledges for my devastating inability to function at a normal level while partaking of delicious citrus and vodka spiked concoctions?

Vicki Batman said...

If you shop at Whole Foods, you have a special parking space for someone in your condition. LOL

Valerie Bowman said...

Ha. Diane. You crack me up!

Valerie Bowman said...

Ha. Diane. You crack me up!