Monday, October 10, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am trying desperately to lose weight for an upcoming reunion. You know how those can be. So I was wondering.... do you think it would be safe to super glue my lips together? Or is Monkey glue best. I'll leave a tiny hole open in middle for a straw. Oh and how do I get it apart once I've lost all my weight?
DAN: Let me commend you for choosing starvation as a weight-loss method. Research has shown—and I’ m talking research conducted by real scientists and supermodels—that starvation is very effective for losing weight, as effective as abstinence is in preventing pregnancy. Just by tweaking your lifestyle to eliminate food and sex, you could attain the two most desirable attributes sought after at a reunion: skinny and childless. You want further proof of effectiveness? Starvation was the method of choice used by Oprah when she lost all that weight back in 1988, allowing her to fit into her skinny jeans for eight minutes and thirty-seven seconds that year.
Regarding starvation methods: You’re in luck! I’ve developed an edible glue that is just perfect for your situation. The patent is pending and the glue is not yet FDA approved, but I only have to finish documenting side effects (such as teeth and denture disintegration), submit the patent applications, and pay filing fees. I can send you a few tubes for free; you just pay two small shipping and handling fees of $34.27 and I’ll even throw in a special pair of gloves that you can wear when applying the glue (believe me, you’re going to need those gloves). Make sure you sign, notarize, and return the waiver release forms with your payment (cash money is fine). Your glue will be shipped and delivered to your door immediately if it is not confiscated by the post office as a hazardous substance. The edible glue comes in several strengths and flavors, from post-it note pineapple (bonding strength effective for one day) to lip-ripping lemon (bonding strength effective for several months).
Along with using a straw for your recommended daily two-liter Diet Coke, I suggest you also keep hydrated using a neti pot. Don’t forget the absorption properties of the eyeballs.