Thursday, October 13, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’ve begun drinking more water at my doctor’s suggestion. Problem is that it makes me have to visit the bathroom MUCH more than I care to. I’m elderly so sometimes I almost don’t make it. Adult diapers are far too costly for my budget. Should I buy some ShamWows and sit on them?
DAN: Just like my regular doctor, yours sounds like a quack. My doctor’s known as a quack because he only accepts payment in ducks. He is very affordable. My annual physical (including prostate exam and scrotum adjustment) only costs me three ducks. My doctor is kind and caring, too. Not only does he feed the ducks during my examination, he lets them watch.
He inspired me to dream of becoming a country doctor myself, but only if the country were Third World and did not check medical training credentials.
I think you got your duck’s worth when your doctor suggested you drink more water, even if you have to pay extra for the bottled variety. I’ve read that bottled water is not any better than the water you find in your toilet, and may even have a comparable taste. Before testing this out, however, make sure you flush.
Regarding your “leaky” situation, I have a product that will plug your holes. While marketed as an edible glue, I discovered the concoction works just as effectively as a natural body dam (one of the recurring side effects). Just squeeze a tube in whatever water you’re drinking, be it bottled or bowl, and forget about urinating for a few weeks. Eventually, the “plugs” work themselves free with little pain, similar to passing kidney stones.
Be careful with the ShamWows! Sitting on them too long will lead to extreme dehydration, causing you to develop a look and texture of beef jerky.