Monday, October 24, 2011
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I went on a blind date last night and got trashed. It was so bad that when I talked I couldn't form words properly. I'm upset cuz I'd like to go out with him again. Do you think he’d believe me if I call and say that I was speaking German all night in preparation for an exam the next day?
JORDAN: First off, it’s common practice to get absolutely blitzed on a first date. Alcohol brings out the very best in people – don’t be afraid to show your true drunken colors! I recommend a healthy dose of Petron with a Pabst Blue Ribbon chaser (in some countries that’s known as a “brain enema”). If you are that concerned about your slurred speech, perhaps you should get trashed every time you see this guy so that way he thinks you have a speech impediment. Practice makes perfect. You might even be able to park in handicapped parking. In the off-chance this guy actually speaks German, just remember a little Deutsch saying: “Wo ist meine hose? Gleich um die ecke!” and you will have a partner for life. FOR LIFE!