Thursday, September 8, 2011

Paul Newman Fan by Andy Gold

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am a BIG Paul Newman fan. In fact I’ve seen everyone of his movies so many times that I feel like family. Do you think I could stop by and visit with Joanne? 

ANDY: I think you should go visit Paul's wife Joanne for 2 reasons. The first is that you're already on a first name basis with her (Super!) The second is a little more complex. You see, what a lot of people don't know is that Paul Newman had an affinity for urinating on dead animals. He first peed on a dead animal in 1967 on the set of "Cool Hand Luke" (or whatever year that movie was made) Between shooting scenes there was a dead raccoon on the side of the road. Paul thought to himself "Pee on it Paul." Then he thought "No Paul, that's morbid what's wrong with you?" Finally he thought "Well, why not? How many people can say they've peed on a dead raccoon?" So, Paul went ahead and peed on that dead raccoon. And you know what? He was glad he did. Paul sadly became hopelessly addicted to peeing on dead things. (the addiction is second only to heroin) Paul kept it a secret from Joanne for many years until one day, Joanne came home to find Paul peeing on the family dog. Paul couldn't find any road kill, became desperate and killed the family dog so, he could pee on it. Paul, to redeem himself started making delicious charitable jelly. Now that Paul is dead, Joanne is unsure that she can save the jelly. I insist you visit her and talk her into saving that delicious jelly.

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