Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Why Am I Fat? by Tony Moschetto

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I eat my weight in candy and popcorn at every movie & I go to at least 4 a week. I eat butter and sugar sandwiches on white wonder bread or else mayonnaise sandwiches. I drink kool-aid & cokes, lots of them. But, I walk everywhere I go to work it all off. So, why am I  fat?

TONY: Hopefully, you'll read through this answer before putting on the feed bag. Now, I  know that may have sounded mean but don't consider it that way. Look at it more like tough love. What I'm about to tell you might seem like pie in the sky but if you listen, it'll be a piece of cake. My method works, the proof is in the pudding...and no you can't have any. But seriously, let's get to the meat of the issue. Did you read the question you wrote?! “I eat my weight in candy and popcorn...butter and sugar sandwiches...or else mayonnaise sandwiches...I drink kool-aid & cokes, lots of them.” You might as well have asked, “Geez, if I jump out of an airplane at 20,000 feet without a parachute would I die?” Yeah, you'll end up as flat as a pancake. Wonder why you're fat?

But you walk to and fro everywhere you go, good start. You also go to the movies, that's good, means you're no couch potato. What do you do for work, you know, how do you bring home the bacon? At work, are you the big enchilada? The big cheese? Hopefully, you're on the gravy train, paid well and all. Just wondering. Also, I was wondering, how many miles do you walk in a week? If it isn't at least 3,000miles you may want to think about it.
Anyway, I apologize again for sounding so mean but here's some food for thought...not real food, just words. I understand dieting is tough, it's  not worth getting into a stew about it. Just try and choose the right one, the best one, the cream of the crop diet. Stay positive. You're a good egg. You're the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's hard, especially with the daily grind of life. You may feel like you have too much on your plate, like you have your finger in too many pies, but don't despair, don't give up. As Forest Gump put it, life is, like a box of chocolates. And, if a diet doesn't work or this answer has made you hungry in any way, you should contemplate getting cast on NBC's The Biggest Loser or gastrointestinal surgery.

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