Dear Stupid Ass Questions, My best friend quit doing drugs. I’m proud of him for doing this, but is it wrong to not hang out with him anymore? I could tell him I moved.
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Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, Listen, I don’t blame you because as you know – nobody likes a quitter, so no it is not wrong for not wanting to hang out with someone who wants to better their life by being no fun what-so-ever. However, you cannot be an enabler by being proud of him because that will only fuel him to do more lame things like get a job, move out of his parents basement and perhaps even find happiness. So it is in your best interest as well as his to cease and desist all contact immediately. My advice on how to do this is not to be so short sighted and claim you moved because clearly you cannot simply up and move yourself, you would need to find a whole new dealer for yourself and honestly, that’d just be a waste of good “high time.”
Here’s what you should do – convert to an annoying in your face cult like religion and start preaching to him all the benefits of giving his life over to your deity would have for him, all he has to do is snort massive amounts of cocaine off of an under aged handicapped sex slave’s bum (but make sure to call her a “sacrifice” to really sell the point). This will do one of two things: either he will stay away from you on his own in order to avoid relapsing into drugs and spiraling further down a path of degradation or he will call the police on you. Choosing the former is his most likely choice because as you stated, he’s moved on to Squareville with his life and that’s what squares do, they call the cops. However, in the case that he chooses the latter, no worries because you are faking all that craziness and therefore won’t be arrested (note: hide the cocaine though). He will never come around you again and you won’t have to worry about running into him in a group of your friends for they too will alienate him because let’s be honest, nobody likes a Narc.
In the future, try not to be so proud of people making better life choices than you, it’ll only backfire in your face and make you look worse than you already do.
You’re Welcome!
Joseph Conklin
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