Monday, October 1, 2012
LOST IN SPACE by Joseph Conklin
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I have a friend whom I chat with, etc. on a social network and well…I think she may be an alien. She's not green or anything like that (at least if she is she photoshops her pictures), but she says silly things now and then like, "easy peasy lemon squeezee" and the like.) I thinks these phrases are some type of code to her real friends in space. How should I proceed?
Dear Stupid Ass Questioner, Well done…not many have been able to open up their minds to the most sinister portal for an actual alien invasion to take place – via our online social networks! While everyone watches the sky for UFO’s aliens are slipping into our society via friend requests and retweets. They are planning on taking us over one adorable cat picture at a time while distracting us via motivational meme’s that we read all the while sitting on our butts in front of the computer doing nothing but reading about how we should do things other than sit on our butts. Well played aliens!
I suggest you proceed by fighting fire with fire! The first thing you should do is start a podcast on the topic that you can over promote to your friends and have them start to hate the online you, this will deter the aliens from being interested in you because they are attention whores and the less friends you have the less likely you are to be socially probed. The next thing you should do is make a series of Youtube videos documenting the conspiracy you have now found yourself wrapped up in. This will ensure that no one online will ever want to be your friend again unless they are exactly like you and are just as uninteresting to these social aliens. Then you can all form a community together and be totally safe from the alien invasion and anything else interesting in real life, like someone that’s a “she” willing to talk to you in the first place. Just don’t call this collective “World of Warcraft” because someone beat you to it and your parents will be real mad if you got sued for something you did in their basement…again.
Your Friend and Mine,