Tuesday, October 2, 2012

ALIEN ABDUCTION by Joseph Conklin

Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I fear I've been the victim of an alien abduction and don't know how to be sure of it. They left no visible marks or evidence of, "probing", however my head feels a little fuzzy and I want to sleep real close to the tin foil drawer in the kitchen. Any suggestions?

Size DOES matter so click picture to enlarge

Dear Stupid Ass Questioner,
The most obvious two signs of an alien abduction are a fuzzy feeling head and the fear that it’s actually happened.  As far as the sleeping near tinfoil thing, you could possibly be leftovers seeking acceptance but I’m not a culinary psychologist so I’ll just stick to what I am qualified to help you out with and that’s extraterrestrial paranoia. 
  The fuzzy feeling in your head is a symptom of coming into contact with a level of technology you are simply not capable of understanding which leads directly to the second symptom, the fear that it has actually happened. 
  The fear brought on by contact with a technologically advanced peoples is common with the preferred victims of “aliens” when they’re out probing folks – Rednecks.
  So, I suggest the next time you feel abducted you immediately write down the details like a savage with a pen and piece of paper and try to remember what the “aliens” were wearing, like a uniform that said “Best Buy” on it or something.

Your Friend and Mine,

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